BROWN KILLED BY ARMY FIRING SQUAD!

BROWN'S PICTURE IS TAKEN BEFORE FIRING SQUAD.

Breaking News: Teuchters News Agency are reporting the incredible news that THE PRIME MINISTER has been shot by British Army FIRING SQUAD IN AFGHANISTAN.


An Army Spokesman said" We found this one-eyed Taliban wandering about, dressed in a white Muslim shirt wearing a tie. Only a sneaky ARAB BASTARD would be able to withstand 45% heat and still wear a tie." Colonel Giles Fortisquewe, added, " the prisoner seemed to be speaking English with a strange accent and the fact that he only had one eye showed he had been in action before, what!"


Brown was tied to the gun of the second last tank we have in Afghanistan. After borrowing a shell from the Americans, the prisoner was duly dispatched to meet his 20 virgins.


Deputy Leader, LORD OF THE RINGPIECES, MANDELSON is due to visit AFGHANISTAN NEXT WEEK AND A SIMILAR GREETING IS PROPOSED.

MAKE A FORTUNE-BECOME A GOVERNMENT CONSULTANT!

The Home Office spent an astonishing £140million on consultants last year, up 44 per cent on the previous year, as public finances spiralled into a debt crisis. Large amounts of the money were lavished on seeking advice on the controversial £5billion ID cards project.


Consultants were also paid large sums for planning a vast Big Brother database to store the details of every Internet click and telephone call made by UK residents, known as the Intercept Modernisation Programme (IMP).


The Tories said the increase in spending was astonishing, Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling said: ‘We’re now finding out more and more about the true cost of the Government’s abortive ID card project. More than £215million has been spent on the scheme so far.


It reminds me of a mate of mine who is a High-Roller. When he goes to a LAP DANCING CLUB instead of sticking a £20 note in the DANCER'S KNICKERS, he swipes his PLATINUM AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD DOWN THE CRACK OF THEIR ARSE!

BRITISH ARMY TOLD TO FIRE BLANKS!

British soldiers banned from using live bullets to save money

British soldiers are being forced to train with blanks rather than live rounds to save money The entire Territorial Army (TA) and a number of non frontline regular army units will be affected by the ban on the use of real bullets in personal weapons, according to defence sources. The bullet ban is the result of a £700m cut in the money available to run the army in the UK.

Soldiers are required to maintain basic standards of proficiency in the use of their weapons; the SA80 is the standard issue service rifle, while officers use a Browning 9mm pistol. They must pass an annual test, demonstrating their ability to clean their weapons, fire at a target to calibrate or “zero” the sights, and then achieve a specific score firing live rounds. They fire a minimum of 100 live rounds, with the average non-infantry soldier firing about 300 a year. The cost of a single SA80 live round is approximately 30p, compared with 10p for a blank.


"We are going to try and get an agreement with the TALIBAN to use paint-ball guns instead. It would make sense both in CASUALTY NUMBERS AND COST if we just shouted BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD! Our only cost then would be cleaning the PAINT OFF THE UNIFORMS although PERSIL ARE KEEN ON A SPONSORSHIP DEAL. The army would have to have the logo "sponsored by PERSIL, NON-BIO, WASHES PAINT AT 30 DEGREES" on the back of their jackets. We would sort of blend it in to the CAMOUFLAGE SO IT DIDN'T STICK OUT TOO MUCH," an army spokesman said yesterday.



A TALIBAN SPOKESMAN told Dark Lochnagar, "FUCK PERSIL, we find that ARIEL BIO used at 40 degrees leaves our white DESERT GEAR BEAUTIFULLY WHITE AND SOFT, WHICH IS IMPORTANT FOR THE CHAFING UNDER THE OXTERS."

PAY UP AMERICA!

The American government is fighting the Treasury over a £50million tax demand.
The Treasury is demanding that it pay VAT on the construction of its new £275million embassy, known as The Iceberg. The building would be situated in Nine Elms, Battersea, and would be finished by 2016.

America doesn't think its embassy is safe enough at present The U.S. wants to move its embassy from Grosvenor Square, Mayfair, to increase security. The new building, to be built near New Covent Garden Market, would be protected by a 30-metre 'blast zone', (SAYS A LOT ABOUT AMERICA'S STANDING IN THE WORLD)!

The U.S. government has also refused to pay the congestion charge since its introduction in 2003, claiming diplomatic immunity from taxes. At the start of last month it had 30, 979 unpaid tickets, running up a debt with Transport for London of almost £3.6million.


One Whitehall source told Dark Lochnagar that the battle to avoid VAT on the new embassy had reached high levels in the U.S. government. "Gordon Brown raised it with President Obama at the last G20 summit but Obama told him to GO AND FUCK HIMSELF".

GORDON BROWN AND LIONEL RITCHIE TO CUT ALBUM

BROWN AND RITCHIE SHAKE HANDS AFTER SIGNING CONTRACT

Where has Gordon Brown been? That's what all of Britain is asking.

We can however exclusively REVEAL that he has been cutting a new album with 80's icon Lionel Ritchie, seen above with Brown.


Lionel is more commonly known by his nickname, 'Mabawsa', hence his name 'Mabawsa' Ritchie. He and "Cyclops" Brown have recorded a number of 70's and 80's favourites including, 'The house of the rising Yen', 'money, money, money, must be funny', ' Mandy', and 'Army Dreamers' by Kate Bush.


Their production company, Blair Fuckups are trying to arrange a tour of the G20 countries, but with their economies now picking up, they don't want JONAH BROON ANYWHERE NEAR THEM!

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY SOLUTION-DIAGEO

DIAGEO'S senior directors claim they are protecting the heritage of Johnnie Walker – one of the world's best-known whiskies – despite plans to end its 185-year ties with Kilmarnock, where it began in a grocer's shop.The drinks giant has been criticised for ignoring Johnnie Walker's history during consultations over plans to close the Ayrshire town's bottling plant.

But yesterday, global distributions managing director David Gosnell said: "We like to think the liquid comes from all of Scotland; Scotland in a glass."His comments followed a statement by Diageo chief executive Paul Walsh that the company recognised "the key role brands play" and "remain committed to protecting their heritage."

WELL HERE'S MY SOLUTION. The SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT should pass a law which states that WHISKY cannot be called SCOTCH, unless it uses purely Scottish produce, is distilled in Scotland AND IS BOTTLED IN SCOTLAND.

How would you like those FUCKING APPLES, MR WALSH?

**SPORT** EDUARDO SHOULD BE BANNED

Arsenal striker "GREASY BASTARD" EDUARDO should be banned for 2 seasons says former RANGERS LEGEND, KILLY FUCKWIT AND S.F.A. SUPREMO, Gordon Smith.

An incensed SMITH, who never took a dive in 20 years as a player despite having the nickname "DYING SWAN", felt that CELTIC could have gone on to beat Arsenal despite them losing 5-1 on aggregate.

"It's no fair, I've brought big changes to Scottish football since I got the job. I know Aberdeen got humped 8-1, Falkirk got beat from a team from Lichtenstein, Motherwell got annihilated and Rangers will get a doing, but big boys keep on doing it and running away!"

"Am goin to go to EUFA and make sure in future that Scottish teams get 3 goals of a start and then it'll no look so bad. Am trying ma best, no matter whit Jim 'bawbag' Trainor thinks."

"I predict we will qualify for the World Cup in Mexico, by winning our last two games against Macedonia and Holland. George Burley is my man and I know I only picked him because Ayr United has sacked him at one stage, but he is a God to the players".

Smith was last seen gesticulating wildly as the two men in white coats carried him to the padded van.

TROOPS GET NEW SUPPLIES!

FROM SCARFE IN THE TIMES

15 VOTES PER DEAD SOLDIER

Ten British soldiers died in Afghanistan for the sake of just 150 votes in the country's election. Operation Panther's Claw, which claimed their lives in ferocious fighting, was meant to improve security in the Babaji district of Helmand.


But only 150 of the 80,000 potential voters there braved Taliban threats to vote last week, it was reported yesterday.


The astonishingly low turnout in the presidential election poses massive questions about the war against the Taliban and the wider British role in Afghanistan. Last night the grieving mother of one of the soldiers expressed anger and despair that each British death was worth only 15 Afghan votes.


The voting report is a further blow to Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth, who had specifically linked Panther's Claw to making the area safe.
On the day of the election, he said: 'Operation Panther's Claw was a tough fight, but it has brought nearly 80,000 Afghans out from under the tyranny of the Taliban and ensured that they can take part in this election.

GET RID OF THIS PRICK AINSWORTH NOW, THEN BRING THE TROOPS HOME!

WE'RE GETTING DRAGGED INTO THIS WAR DEEPER EACH DAY.

NUMBER CRUNCHING-GORDON BROWN STYLE

7 Months since GORDON BROWN boasted in a speech on the global economy that "Britain is better place to benefit as the storm passes, as pass it will".

7 Countries that have emerged from the recession ahead of Britain since then.

456,700 Total number of civil servants when GORDON BROWN announced job cuts and efficiency measures in 2004

522,930 Total number of civil servants now.

19 Number of MPs in Turks and Caicos who have been removed from office by direct rule from the U.K. for "high probability of systematic corruption or serious dishonesty.

182 Number of M.P.s who have paid back expenses they claimed without justification.

I leave it to yourselves should you wish to comment!

TORIES ABANDONING UNION-FRASER NELSON

THE TORIES ARE ABANDONING THE UNION SAYS FRASER NELSON IN CURRENT SPECTATOR MAGAZINE.When asked, Mr Cameron and Mr Osborne both say they strenuously support it — but if gossip in the bars of the Commons is any indicator, Tory support for the Union is draining. According to a recent survey of Tory candidates, 46 per cent say they would not be ‘uncomfortable about Scotland becoming independent’. It is all too clear that the SNP will use every tool at their disposal to undermine the Union. The question is whether a Conservative government will have the motivation or energy to fight back.

About time too, bring on INDEPENDENCE-GET RID OF THE TROUBLESOME SCOTS!

TAVISH SCOTT BREAKS OUT OF JAIL!

CROSS-DRESSER, "TAVISH THE RAVISH" SCOTT HAS BROKEN OUT OF PRISON IN LERWICK TONIGHT DRESSED AS A HAIRY BEAVER!

If seen, POLICE SAY that he should not be approached as he is dangerous because "THOSE BEAVERS CAN BITE LIKE FUCK".

JACK McCONNELL- AN EMBARRASSMENT TO SCOTLAND

THIS IS THE MAN WHO SAID FREEING MEGRAHI WAS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO SCOTLAND.

FUCK ME!

LIBDEM LEADER TAVISH SCOTT ARRESTED FOR STEALING WOMENS' KNICKERS!

SCOTT LAST WEEK IN CROSS-DRESSING MODE

The LEADER OF THE LIBDEMS IN SCOTLAND has been charged with breaking into women's homes and stealing underwear. Tavish Scott, 48, known to his cross-dressing friends as TAVISH THE RAVISH, was charged on Monday by Shetland Police with three counts of burglary in connection with the missing garments. Female residents called in police after their underwear kept disappearing and one woman even installed a hidden camera in her bedroom.

The M.S.P. AND LEADER OF THE LIBDEMS will appear at Lerwick Magistrates' Court next month. A Shetland police spokesman said: "Tavish Scott has been charged with three counts of burglary in a dwelling in connection with incidents at addresses in Lerwick between January 1 and June 26 2009."

SCOTT was finally arrested when he tried to hold up the Bank of Scotland in Lerwick wearing a pair of stolen KNICKERS over his head AS A DISGUISE. The knickers belonged to a Ms Ina Tavistock, who unfortunately had been wearing the said knickers for a week before she had changed them and the SMELL OF RANCID PUSSY became to much for SCOTT and he started to MASTERBATE FURIOUSLY enabling bank staff to overpower him.

GORDON BROWN TO BE SATNAV VOICE!

Where has Prime Minister, GORDON BROWN, been over the last few days?

Dark Lochnagar can exclusively reveal that old one blue eye has been in the recording studios!

But he won't be recording any songs. Instead, the 58-year-old has revealed bizarre plans to lend his distinctive gravel voice to motorists' sat-nav systems.
Brown, who has bankrupted more than 70 million companies, claims to have been approached by two motor manufacturers to record their GPS directions.

Speaking on his Sunday BBC radio show, BROWN said: 'I am talking to a couple of car companies about being the voice of their GPS system. 'I think it would be good if you are looking for directions and hear my voice saying something like: You have the choice between Tory cuts or Labour investment. He added: 'I probably shouldn't do it because whichever way I go I always end up at one place - Lonely Avenue.'

Brown has tried to influence politicians from Angela Merkel to Nikerless Sarkozy and has had a go at all the G20 leaders. Fortunately for them no-one listened and their economies are now doing fine, thanks, whilst ours is still fucked.

Other celebrity voices already available as satnav commentaries include a bossy John Cleese, a husky Kim Cattrall, Homer Simpson, Mr T, the character from 1980s TV series The A-Team and ALISTAIR DARLING.

MEGRAHI-THE FIRST POLL FROM ENGLAND

From http://politicalbetting.com

The first poll from England. 52% of Liberal Democrats support the release. I told you TAVISH SCOTT WAS A PRICK!

I can't wait for a Scottish Poll.

HOW THICK ARE UNIONIST M.S.P.s?

UNIONIST M.S.P.s YESTERDAY

How fucking thick are UNIONIST M.S.P.s?


I have never been so embarrassed for my country today listening to the debate from HOLYROOD and knowing it was being broadcast around the WORLD.


KENNY MacASKILL made them look like TITS, (hence the photo, these are actually Annabelle Goldie's, (Aye fuck off-Ed)). I have never seen such a bunch of self serving "TOON COONCILLERS" IN MY LIFE. Their questions and comments made to the Media were nothing short of a national scandal.


I think most of you know I was firmly in the Independence Lobby, but after watching these UNIONIST FUCKWITS this afternoon, I am beginning to wonder if I am right. After all in 50 years some of these TWATS might be in power.


How can you possibly try and politicise what the Scottish Government decided to do to show some compassion towards MEGRAHI? Send him to a HOSPICE? Give me a fucking break! Keep him in a house in NEWTON MEARNS? Don't be so fucking stupid.

(BTW, did you see that Prick Murphy on telly wearing a Jewish skull cap because he has a big Jewish population in his constituency. What a fucking PONCE!)

It was obvious to anyone with half a brain, (so that lets out Tavish Scott then), that the decision that was taken was the only one that could be taken in the circumstances.

A MESSAGE FROM SCOTLAND TO THE F.B.I.

F.B.I. DIRECTOR ROBERT MUELLER

GO AND FUCK YOURSELF!

HERE'S WHAT TO TELL THEM ON MONDAY, KENNY.

"The quality of mercy is not strewn, it falleth as the gentle rain from heaven"-William Shakespeare"The Megrahi Family

Judge us by the way we treat those who have wronged us. Judge us by the way we act as a society and know that compassion has a place at the heart of justice in Scotland. Justice here is tempered with mercy.

The Politicians who protest the loudest are the ones who now embrace Gaddafi for his oil and his trade connections. If you believe that Megrahi should have died in prison, then you must also believe that Gaddafi should have remained an international pariah.

"If we demand an eye for an eye, then the whole world will become blind"-Mahatma Ghandi

Readers from the U.S. might like to research the following before they jump on the protest bandwagon:

1. The release of William Calley after 3 years of his sentence for ordering the Mai Lai massacre in Vietnam on March 16, 1968 with 504 fatalities between 1-82 years of age.

2. The medals given to the U.S. aircrew who shot down the Iranian civilian airbus with the loss of the compliment of crew and passengers including 66 children which many people thought was the rationale for the Lockerbie Massacre AND ULTIMATELY 9/11.

3. The release of convicted murdering scum on both sides in Northern Ireland after intervention from the Clinton Administration.

4. Why were so many CIA operatives and American Embassy staff pulled off the Pan-Am flight from Berlin that crashed at Lockerbie at the last minute?

NOW THE TRUTH ABOUT MEGRAHI'S RELEASE IS MADE CLEAR!

Gordon Brown was under fresh pressure last night after shocking claims by Libya that the release of the Lockerbie bomber was linked explicitly to trade deals benefiting Britain.


Colonel Gaddafi's son Saif al-Islam said the case of Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi was discussed at every meeting between the then Prime Minister Tony Blair and the Libyan leader.

The trade claim will intensify demands for Mr Brown to come clean about exactly what contacts Britain had with the former pariah state before Megrahi was freed on compassionate grounds.


Speaking on Libyan television, Colonel Gaddafi's son said Mr Blair raised the Megrahi case repeatedly to smooth the way for British firms to tap into Libya's energy reserves. He told the Al Mutawassit channel: 'In all commercial contracts, for oil and gas with Britain, (Megrahi) was always on the negotiating table.'


Mr Gaddafi, who discussed the case with Business Secretary Lord Mandelson when they met in Corfu just weeks ago, hailed Megrahi's the release as a 'victory' for all Libyans.

THE TRUTH ALWAYS OUTS, SOONER OR LATER. I suppose however we shouldn't be surprised what two old INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS will talk about when they "chew the fat" in a tent in the desert.

SCOTLAND IS NOT AMERICA'S POODLE, MR PRESIDENT!

The decision to free Megrahi was one which was taken for the best of intentions, i.e. that the BASTARD was unfortunately dying from terminal cancer.


It was taken under the circumstances of pressure from Whitehall to free him under a agreement in 2007 between , the WAR CRIMINAL TONY BLAIR and Gaddafi after they met in some desert in Libya. The U.S. Secretary of State Rice also had a meeting with Colonel Gaddafi on 5/10/08 which brought Libya back into international acceptance and most importantly for the Western World and THE U.S. IN PARTICULAR, IT ALLOWED THE VITAL OIL SUPPLIES TO BE TURNED ON AGAIN.

The usual Labour and Tory FUCKWITS have reared up in disgust at the decision, but they would have done so regardless of what decision the SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT TOOK. They however are entitled to their opposition.



You however Mr President ARE NOT. We appreciate that many AMERICANS DIED in the LOCKERBIE OUTRAGE, however it happened on Scottish soil and was prosecuted under Scottish law, (which for the information of my American readers is different to English Law), therefore we in Scotland will not BROOK ANY PRESSURE OR INTERFERANCE FROM AMERICA.


You Mr Obama should be aware that there is a large SCOTTISH DIASPORA IN THE U.S. and you criticise the SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT AND BY INFERENCE THE SCOTTISH PEOPLE, AT YOU PERIL!

ENGLISH TORIES COPY SNP ALCHOHOL PLANS

The Tories have unveiled radical plans to crack down on the binge-drinking culture.
They would treble taxes on alcopops and strong lagers and ciders, outlaw 'loss leader' sales in supermarkets and strip takeaways and food stores of late-night licences.
Such tax changes would mean a four-pack of extra-strong lager such as Carlsberg Special Brew costing an extra £1.30, a bottle of powerful cider an extra £1.25 and a bottle of alcopop an extra 50p. But duty on low alcohol products would be slashed.
The party says wines, spirits and 90 per cent of the beer and cider consumed in Britain would be unaffected.

That sounds suspiciously like THE SNP PLANS unveiled by the Justice Minister, three months ago, which were decried from the TORY SIDE OF HOLYROOD by WEE BILL AITKEN.

Well MS GOLDIE it seems as if your ENGLISH MASTERS have given you a RED FACE ONE MORE TIME!

Drop the UNION AND FIGHT FOR SCOTLAND AND YOU'LL SEE YOUR SUPPORT TREBLE!

MADDOX OF THE SCOTSMAN-A MAN DRIVEN BY HATRED!

Salmond paves the way for Megrahi release
Published Date: 19 August 2009

By DAVID MADDOX

ALEX Salmond has given the strongest indication yet that the Lockerbie bomber is to be released from prison, by insisting the decision would not be swayed by a show of strength from the United States.

EH!

THIS MAN MADDOX IS A JOURNALISTIC FUCKWIT.

It is incomprehensible to me why THE SCOTSMAN pays this SNP HATING TWAT, to serve up FUCKING POLITICAL SHITE, day after day.

MIND YOU THAT'S PROBABLY WHY IT'S GOING DOWN THE TUBES FASTER THAN A LINE OF COKE GOING UP LILY ALLEN'S HOOTER!

HAS THE WORM FINALLY TURNED?

Speed cameras are being destroyed in what appears to be a revenge campaign by motorists.

Two on one stretch of road in East Dorset were set alight on consecutive weekends, and four others have been vandalised in the county in the past year.
The area is being patrolled by teams of traffic officers in marked and unmarked cars and on motorbikes in a crackdown on motorists who are speeding, not wearing a seatbelt, using a mobile at the wheel or driving without insurance.

About time too. Let's burn the rest of the FUCKING CAMERAS which make us the most spied on NATION ON EARTH. 20% of all the CCTV cameras IN THE WORLD ARE IN BRITAIN.

"1984" was supposed to be a book of FICTION, NOT PREDICTION!

Oh, and while we're in the mood for REVOLUTION, ANY CHANCE OF SOMEONE SHOOTING THE FUCKWIT IN NO 10?

PAUL McCARTNEY'S OLD SCHOOL PHOTO

Paul McCartney, the "rebellious" twat, top left reading a comic

AS SOMEONE SAID RECENTLY, THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH THE BEATLES IS THAT THE BASTARDS ARE DYING OFF IN THE WRONG ORDER!

MANDELSON TO CRIMINALISE FILE SHARING

GAYLORD AND RECORD PRODUCER DAVID GEFFEN IN CORFU

Lord Mandelson launched a crackdown on Internet piracy just days after meeting a leading Hollywood critic of illegal file sharing. The FUCKWIT plans to criminalise the estimated seven million people - one in 12 of the population - who illicitly download music and films over the Internet.

In what critics describe as a gross attack on civil liberties, those flouting new laws could see their Internet accounts suspended and face fines of up to £50,000. It means parents could be thrown off the net even if it is their children are caught downloading tracks upstairs in their bedrooms, not them.

Lord Mandelson ordered officials to draw up the draconian regulations just days after dinner with David Geffen, who founded the Asylum record label which signed Bob Dylan. The pair dined on 7 August at the Rothschild family villa on Corfu, while Mandelson was holidaying on the Greek island. After dinner GAYLORD gave Geffen a blowjob in the villa's Olympic size swimming pool.

So once again the SO CALLED LABOUR PARTY sucks up to big business for a FREE HOLIDAY AND A SLAP UP DINNER!

THE FUCKING HYPOCROSY IS NAUSEATING.

EASY WHEN YOU HAVE A £2.6 MILLION MANSION AND NO-ONE KNOWS WHERE THE MONEY CAME FROM.

FOOTBALL LEGEND GAZZA WRITES A POEM!

Geordie soccer legend, PAUL "GAZZA" GASCOINE, has written a poem in memory of Sir Bobby Robson who died recently it goes:

"To Sir Bobby from Daft as a Brush"

"When I was 12 I met a man called Bobby,

It was in Ipswich in a lobby,

At first when I seen him he just smiled with such glee,

I knew he was the man for me."

"I will never forget you for as long as I live,

You gave me a chance, I started to bounce,

There are no rules for loving and sharing,

But hearts beat faster when someone is caring."

FUCK ME GAZZA, IT'S A GOOD JOB YOU COULD PLAY FOOTBALL!

DAVID MILLIBAND-TERRORISM JUSTIFIABLE!

HE'S ONE OF THESE STUPID FUCKERS!

Foreign Secretary David Miliband was accused last night of condoning terrorism after declaring that there were circumstances in which it was ‘justifiable’.

His remarks – made in support of the ANC’s armed struggle against apartheid in South Africa – were swiftly condemned by the Conservatives, who accused him of giving succour to the Taliban in Afghanistan.

The military wing of the ANC carried out a number of terrorist attacks during its campaign, including the Church Street bombing in Pretoria in 1983 in which 19 people were killed and more than 200 wounded. Many of the victims were civilians.

Mr Miliband was speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Great Lives programme. Asked by presenter Matthew Parris whether there were any circumstances in which terrorism was justified, Mr Miliband said: ‘Yes, there are circumstances in which it is justifiable, and yes, there are circumstances in which it is effective.

That's going to help the cause of the next people kidnapped in Afghanistan or Iraq, YOU STUPID PRICK!

GEORGE MICHAEL-WHAM, BAM, BIT THE TOP OF MAN!

Pop singer George Michael has been arrested after his car was involved in a collision, it has emerged. The Wham! star was questioned by police on suspicion of driving under the influence of drink or drugs on Friday morning.

The 46-year-old singer, who had just completed a two-year driving ban, was arrested after his silver Land Rover hit an articulated lorry on the A34 in Berkshire at about 1am. The driver said, "When I stopped the lorry and got out to see what had happened, I didn't think he would have survived."

The singer's civil law 'partner', Raphael, was later found to have swallowed the THE TIP OF THE SINGER'S PENIS, which he had inadvertently bitten off during the accident!

The loving couple are waiting on what comes naturally to see what sort of condition the penis tip is in to see if it can be be re-attached or if plastic surgery will be called for.

BROWN GETS A REDDY!

Gordon Brown’s economic reputation took a battering yesterday as Germany and France staged a dramatic return to growth.Both economies expanded 0.3 per cent in the second quarter of the year, compared with a contraction of 0.8 per cent in Britain.

The unexpected rebound dashed the Prime Minister’s claims to have left Britain better placed than elsewhere to withstand the credit crunch. Mr Brown has trumpeted his fiscal stimulus – trying to spend the country out of recession – while other nations took a more cautious line.

So the new figures prompted unashamed schadenfreude among Germans who have complained at being lectured by Mr Brown on how to run their economy. Both Mr Brown and his Chancellor Alistair Darling repeatedly argued last year that their adept economic management had put Britain in a strong position to ride out the gathering storm. Yet yesterday’s figures showed that Britain has now become a laggard in the global race for recovery.

Berlin officials would not comment but a senior civil servant told Saarlander Rundfunk radio that ‘Germany should be thankful that it didn’t copy Britain in trying to spend its way out of catastrophe’.

So once again, THE GRUESOME TWOSOME, BROWN AND HIS DARLING, are proven to be wrong.

HAS THIS MAN NO PRIDE? RESIGN NOW, YOU ARE A BUFFOON!

MURPHY-"AS MUCH INFLUENCE AS A FLY ON A SHITE"

MURPHY GETS READY TO GIVE P.M. A BLOWJOB, (metaphorically speaking)

Scottish Secretary, Jim Murphy was told yesterday by the UK BORDERS AGENCY, that he had "AS MUCH INFLUENCE AS A FLY ON A SHITE".

MURPHY had tried to get visas for 65 PAKISTANI PIPERS FROM LAHORE, who were to have competed in the WORLD PIPE-BAND CHAMPIONSHIP in Glasgow this weekend. A visit to discuss Business by some leaders from Lahore was also cancelled. This might have brought some much needed jobs to Glasgow.

A spokesman for the agency said", Who does this MURPHY think he is? These people may have been carrying bombs in their BAGPIPES! We have to be vigilante you know, we can't let every Tom, Dick and Paki in to the country. We don't mind a few white ones from ALBANIA but we're not too keen when they're BROWN.


As this is a RESERVED MATTER FOR WESTMINSTER, the SNP GOVERNMENT in Scotland were unable to help with this INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT. A spokesman was quoted as saying, " The whole thing is FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

MURPHY is as much use AS A ASHTRAY ON A MOTORBIKE, and that's FUCK ALL USE!"

LABOUR WANT YOUR PHOTOS!

ON LABOUR WEBSITE!

Since Labour was elected in 1997, we've changed this country - rebuilding the lives of children, older people and families through investment in schools, hospitals and other public services.Make no mistake - none of this could have happened without Labour supporters like you campaigning tirelessly for three Labour General Election victories.Now we face an opposition who wants to undo the achievements we have made - to deny our successes and cut the public services we rescued. We must stand together and show how proud we are of these historic achievements.Upload a photo using the photo uploader below of a local hospital we've rebuilt, a local Sure Start centre we've opened or a local school we've invested in and, together, we can show everyone the importance of the Change We See.You can get an idea of the kind of photo we're looking for by visiting our Flickr group -http://www.flickr.com/groups/change-we-seeOther ways you can share your photo
You can email your photos to us at change-we-see@new.labour.org.uk
If you use Flickr, you can share your photos by joining our group “Change We See”
If you use Twitter you can use Twitpic to upload your photo and share it using the hashtag #ChangeWeSee
If you use Facebook add your photo to our “Change We See” page

I'VE SENT AMONGST OTHERS THE ONE ABOVE OF BRITISH SOLDIERS BEING BURNT AND KILLED IN IRAQ. I AM SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF EXAMPLES TO SEND THEM. THE BASTARDS!

Let's pass it on to other Bloggers and deluge them with so many photos that they HAVE TO OPEN ANOTHER I.T. DEPARTMENT!

BRITISH TROOPS ARE SMELLY BASTARDS SAY YANKS

Troops are accused of being SMELLY BASTARDS!


A LEAKED US memo has accused British troops in Afghanistan of suffering from problems of "personal hygiene".

The report claims the commander declared: "Your standards of personal hygiene aren't good enough, and you have too many STINKY PUBIC AREAS. The Ministry of Defence last night dismissed the reports, saying the claims of one unnamed American commander were contradicted by dozens of on-the-record comments by US military chiefs praising THE HYGENE of UK forces in Afghanistan

An MoD spokesman said: "IT'S NOT FAIR, WE DON'T HAVE AS MUCH SOAP AS THEM AND WHAT WE HAVE HAS TO SHARED OUT. When it gets handed down from the OFFICERS' MESS, there is usually only a sliver and it is covered in PUBIC HAIRS AND BUM DEBRIS.

"We can only work with what we have. We don't want to smell like FUCKING ORCHIDS, like the YANKS do because the FUCKING TALIBAN can set off their roadside bombs WHEN THEY SMELL US. Better to blend in and be FUCKING SMELLY LIKE ONE OF THE ARAB BASTARDS, that way we don't get killed as much.

It's alright for the YANKEE WANKERS IN THEIR HELICOPTERS, the TALIBAN can't smell them at 3000 feet. We have to smell the POOFTAHS when we are on joint maneuvers and they smell like A WHORE'S KNICKERS!

KATIE AND PETER- WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Your Say: Who Should Katie & Peter Date Next?

It's been a very long time since a celebrity split has got as many people talking as Katie Price and Peter Andre's messy meltdown. Not since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston has one marriage break-up caused so much commotion in the gossip pages. So when we asked MSN users which celebrities Peter and Katie should date next, we received over 200,000 votes!

WHO WITH HALF A BRAIN GIVES A FUCK?

OR, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T GO IN FOR THE "CULT OF CELEBRITY"?

AT LONG LAST- EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS

A supermarket giant is launching the country's biggest ever condom to cater for well-endowed men.

The new extra-large condoms are 10mm longer and 1mm wider than the average and will go on sale in Tesco branches across the UK from tomorrow.

Healthcare buyer Nicola Evans added: 'These new condoms are designed to allow larger men more comfort than ever before.

Average condoms are 205mm (8in) in length - with the new range clocking in at 215mm (8.5in).

ABOUT TIME TOO!

THE EXTRA HALF INCH MEANS I'LL ONLY HAVE THREE AND A HALF INCHES UNCOVERED NOW!

THE SCUM WHO TORTURED BABY P

The first picture: Sex-obsessed slob Tracey Connelly, 28, who did nothing while Baby P was tortured to death

This is the evil mother of murdered Baby Peter.
Tracey Connelly can today be identified as the woman who did nothing while her tiny son was tortured to death.
For months she and the two men who abused Peter have hidden behind a series of court orders which barred BLOGGERS from revealing their identities.

But these orders were lifted at 11.59pm last night, allowing DARK LOCHNAGAR at last to reveal the truth about them.
Connelly, 28, is a sex-obsessed slob who viciously attacked two of her other children while she helped to cover up her son's months of abuse.
Her lover Steven Barker, 33, is a sadistic neo-Nazi who raped a two-year-old girl, tortured his own grandmother and is suspected of sex attacks on other children.
And their 'lodger' Jason Owen, 37 - who is in fact Barker's older brother - is a crack cocaine addict and convicted arsonist who was accused of raping a girl of 11.

It is difficult to comprehend a more terrifying combination of adults to be entrusted with the care and welfare of an innocent toddler.

This is the low-life scum, who says she wants to party when she gets out of Jail.

BEFORE THE BASTARD GETS OUT SHE SHOULD FORCIBLY BE GIVEN A HYSTERECTOMY, SO THAT SHE WILL BE UNABLE TO TORTURE HER CHILDREN AGAIN!

WHAT NEXT! NOW THE COPTERS WE'VE GOT ARE CRAP!

A SEA KING HC.4 HELICOPTER SERVING IN AFGHANISTAN

British troops are being flown into battle on the Afghan front line by helicopters which lack the armour plating their crews demanded. Seven Sea King helicopters were deployed to the region in April last year.

But despite the increased threat from Taliban forces on the ground, the Ministry of Defence turned down a specific request from commanders to add Kevlar plating at an estimated cost of £100,000 per aircraft.

The lack of added armour has made them more vulnerable to attack from small-arms fire and rocket-propelled grenades, sources said. They claimed the Sea King was 'inadequately protected' for war and the lives of those on board were being risked 'unnecessarily'.

A senior defence source told the Daily Mail that the deployment of the Sea King HC.4 Commando to Afghanistan without armour plating was A BALANCE OF THE RISK.

A SPOKESMAN for the PRIME MINISTER, GORDON BROWN in a statement said, " We cannot pump money into the banks and protect FUCKING SQUADDIES AS WELL. They knew when they signed up that they were TALIBAN CANNON FODDER so why are they complaining now. CHRIST there was millions killed in the FIRST WORLD WAR and none of them complained. Were not even up to 300 DEAD IN AFGHANISTAN and all we get is FUCKING MOANING!"

SHITE WEATHER-XMAS STOCK NOW ON SALE

STAFF AT SELFRIDGES GET INTO THE FESTIVE MOOD, 4 AND 1/2 MONTHS BEFORE XMAS

There I was today fretting over having to cancel my FIRST BBQ of the year because of the shite weather in SCOTLAND, when my mood was really lifted by the news that THOSE BASTARDS AT SELFRIDGES have started selling their XMAS STOCK, AT THE BEGINNING OF FUCKING AUGUST!!!!!

Speaking of the weather, how can those TWATS IN THE WEATHER SERVICE make such a fucking hopeless job of forecasting the weather!

I use the BBC 5 day forecast for my exact area which is 3 miles from Prestwick Airport. You would think therefore that with, weather balloons, satellites and computers, they could predict the weather 2 days in advance.

All last week it was predicting sun all day Saturday and Sunday. But the BASTARDS wait until I have organised a wee Barby for some friends on Saturday until they change the forecast, Friday night to light rain.

What a fucking country, when it's nice in spring, it's too cold at night and in summer when it's warm, it rains!

IF I DID MY JOB AS BAD AS THEM I WOULDN'T LAST TWO MINUTES!

A TASTY WEE BET?

How about Labour to win the most seats at the next general election?

Most of us will I know be horrified even at the prospect. But consider this. The Tories would have to get the BIGGEST SWING ever recorded to beat Labour.

The Economy looks as if it may be starting to improve and in a years time, it will definitely have shown signs of returning to normal. THE TORIES have not as yet put any manifest commitments together and as yet CAMERON is untried.

In the recent Bi-elections in England, yes there has been a swing between LABOUR and the CONSERVATIVES, but this would seem to be down to the fact that the LABOUR VOTE hasn't come out rather than people voting COSERVATIVE.

So for Labour to have the MOST SEATS at the next GE, you can get between 6/1 with WILLIAM HILLS or 7.2/1 with BETFAIR.

Worth £20 to win around £140? I think so.

Oh, by the way, the LIB/DEMS ARE 100/1 FOR THE SAME BET!

WEE PRICK FROM CUMNOCK GETS JAIL! SHOCK HORROR!

We've all seen the above photo, aye and most of us had a laugh at it at the time. Now I hold no truck for CATHY JAMIESON, (the crabbit Bastard), but see the yob in the background giving the "V's", well he's now aged 20 and just been given his first jail sentence.

WHY AM I NOT FUCKING SUPRISED!

GREAT BRITISH TABOOS(PART 2)

Further to the story about Louise Brown and British taboos, on Sunday it will be 30 years since the first NUDIST BEACH OPENED IN BRIGHTON.

I am therefore posting the above photo for no other reason than the sexual gratification of my male readers!

GREAT BRITISH TABOOS!

I was trawling through some shite tonight as is my want to produce something of small note for this Blog, when I came across something on MSN about great British Taboos.

This is a pic of Louise Brown who was the first test tube baby. She is now 31 and just got married and the Doctor who "invented" her was at the wedding.

The question is did he use too much of something?

Now those of you who know me, know I am a bit of a fat bastard and I'm quite partial to a fat bird, but for FUCKS SAKE if you were the FIRST TEST TUBE BABY IN THE WORLD would you NOT LOOK AFTER YOURSELF A WEE BIT BETTER?

**SHOWBIZ** JONATHAN ROSS'S RATING SLUMPS

Jonathan Ross loses 540,000 listeners from his Radio 2 show in a year

Not much to smile about: Jonathan Ross has lost half a million listeners to his Radio 2 show.

Listeners are deserting Jonathan Ross's Radio 2 show in droves following the Andrew Sachs phone scandal. The controversial presenter has seen ratings for his Saturday morning show slump in the past three months.

IT'S FUCK ALL TO DO WITH ANDREW SACHS, THE MUSIC IS PUTRID AND THE SHOW IS SHITE!

LABOUR MANIFESTO TO FOCUS ON BULLYING INJURED SOLDIERS

GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on a strategy of dragging injured soldiers through the courts and trying to steal their money.


Mr Brown said stealing soldiers' money would be a fitting tribute to Harry Patch. The prime minster has instructed the Ministry of Defence to make wounded servicemen beg for compensation in a move that he believes will wrong-foot the Tories and secure millions of votes across middle England.

A Labour spokesman said: "If there is one thing this country is absolutely sick of it is lazy, horribly injured soldiers lying around doing nothing all day except suffering constant pain and terrifying flashbacks.

"I think most people will be shocked to learn we have given them any money, let alone just enough for them to begin rebuilding their shattered lives.

He added: "Everyone knows that when you join the army you can either choose to go to war or you can choose to stay at home and provide back-up in case of a fire brigade strike.


The Labour manifesto is likely to propose a programme of ritual humiliation for injured soldiers in what opposition parties condemned as 'naked populism of the worst kind'.

The spokesman said: "We'll give you a couple of grand for a severed leg, but you are going to have to bring the leg with you, re-enact the explosion and be judged by a panel of celebrities before we write the CHEQUE"

SCANDAL OF £2.5BN WASTE EVERY YEAR IN M.O.D.

BROWN TELLS THE TROOPS HOW HE HAS FUCKED UP OVER THEIR EQUIPMENT



Gordon Brown was accused on Wednesday night of trying to suppress a report showing that the Ministry of Defence is letting down British troops by squandering £2.5billion a year on the wrong equipment

The damning report into military procurement, by former MoD aide Bernard Gray, is reported to have accused the Government of wasting money which could have been spent on protecting troops abroad.

His findings were due to have been published before MPs broke up for the summer recess but their release was delayed, with the Prime Minister announcing last month that they would now form part of a further defence review.


Channel 4 News last night quoted an unnamed MoD official claiming that Number 10 had 'panicked' and intervened to prevent publication.

The report will be embarrassing for Defence Secretary Bob, THE KNOB, Ainsworth as it highlights a succession of failures which have deprived front-line troops of vital equipment.


LET'S HAVE THE TRUTH NOW BROWN, YOU DEVIOUS, INCOMPETENT BASTARD!


HOW MANY YOUNG MEN HAS YOUR GOVERNMENT KILLED AND MAIMED NEEDLESSLY?

WOMEN GLUE OPIK'S PENIS TO HIS STOMACH!

THERESE ZIEMANN, UGLY PENIS GLUER!

Four women in the US have been charged after supergluing a man's penis to his stomach.

The incident occurred as part of a pre-planned ambush in a motel room by the man's wife and his various lovers.

The victim, LEMBIT OPIK M.P., had agreed to meet one of the women, Therese Ziemann, for an intimate tryst at the Lakeview Motel near Lake Winnebago in Wisconsin.

He agreed to be tied to the hotel bed, whereupon Ziemann summoned the other three women by text message. She then struck OPIK in the face, and glued his penis to his stomach.

LEMBIT then use the famous LIBERAL DEMOCRAT INGENUITY and bit his way through the straps after the women had left and called the Police.

This leaves us with the following questions:

1. What was OPIK doing in the States?
2. Did they take a layer of skin off his KNOB when they unglued it?
3. What size is the said KNOB?
4. Did he have a Boner at the time?
5. Why when he was supposed to be hooked up with some Bra Model, was he shagging an ugly bitch like Ziemann?
6. What happened, to those CHEEKY GIRLS?
7. Will he stick to "SLAPPING THE MONKEY" in future?
8. Was any of this expenditure put on his expenses?
9. Will the LIB/DEMS save their deposits at the next GENERAL ELECTION?
10. Why when he is a goofy ugly WANKER does he get all this TOTTY?

**STOP PRESS** BROWN TO BAN PUBIC HAIR!

A HAIRY VAGINA YESTERDAY

Prime Minister GORDON BROWN, yesterday unveiled his latest plan to get the country back on it feet. HAIRLESS SEXUAL ORGANS.

Under the plan, thought to have been devised by LORD MANDELSON, all adults over the age of 18 will be obligated by law to have SHAVED PUBES.

"This will have three advantages, explained a Government Spokesperson, it will save the NHS money having to employ Specialist pube shaving Nurses in Hospitals and all unemployed youths will be expected to do a six week pube shaving stint for fat people who can't reach their organs and Senior Citizens. All pubic hair collected will be spun and knitted into Jumpers to keep the Poor and Old warm this winter thereby negating the need for a WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE".

The Banks will instead be given the additional funds so they can make their usual bonus payments.

BROWN PLANS COMMUNITY WORK

BROWN PLANS WEEK OF COMMUNITY WORK DURING HIS MONTH-LONG "STAY-CATION"

Why can't the pathetic bastard behave like a real Prime Minister and fuck of to the Med or the Caribbean and be photographed by the Paparazzi in his Speedos with his BOLLOCKS sticking out.

On second thoughts, MAYBE NOT!

BABY "BHOY" BORN ON OBAN LIFEBOAT

THE OBAN LIFEBOAT

A healthy 9lb 4oz "BHOY" was born on the OBAN LIFEBOAT yesterday as it approached port. Mother and son are doing well. Lets hope the parents don't call the baby after his place of birth, as EDWARD, DUKE OF WINDSOR HASN'T GOT MUCH STREET CRED!

COSTA DEL CRIME'S MOST WANTED

WAR CRIMINAL WANTED ON "COSTA DEL CRIME"

Have you seen this man who goes by the alias of ANTHONY BLAIR. He is wanted for WAR CRIMES and serial after dinner speaking for which he demands a huge amount of dosh. He may be taking the identity of a "MIDDLE EAST ENVOY" although he is known to be taking BACKHANDERS FROM THE ISRAELIS.

He may also be accompanied by a UGLY, SCOUSE BASTARD WITH A BIG YAPPY MOUTH.

This pair of CRIMINAL BASTARDS are DANGEROUS IF CORNERED. DO NOT APPROACH BUT INSTEAD RING THE CRIME STOPPERS NUMBER GIVEN ABOVE.