POPE TO EASE UP ON THE 'JESUS' TALK

VATICAN CITY—Acknowledging that he has perhaps been laying it on a little thick with the religion stuff lately, Pope Benedict XVI said Wednesday that he was making a concerted effort to take all his incessant Jesus talk down a notch.

The Supreme Pontiff admits that, overall, his sermons and public addresses have been a little Jesus-heavy.

Though he reassured followers that he was still the head of the 1.1 billion–member Roman Catholic Church and an unwavering believer in the divinity of Christ, the pope suggested he might have an easier time communicating with people if he wasn't up in everyone's face about Jesus all the time.
"I just want to rein it in a smidge," Benedict said. "While I alone among men have been chosen to represent the Son of God upon this earth, I've found that if you have a big chip on your shoulder about something like that, it can be pretty alienating to people."
"I'd like to think I can be an infallible ecclesiastical authority without ramming it down people's throats," the pope said. "I'm starting to realize what a huge turn-off that is."

In a routine papal blessing Sunday at St. Peter's Square, Benedict made far fewer mentions of Jesus than usual and only cited scripture twice, opting instead for such uncharacteristic phraseology as "Sorry if this sounds preachy," "I'm not here to judge," and "Hey, this works for me, but by all means, feel free to do your own thing, too."
Benedict said the turning point came for him last week with the publication of book two in his New York Times–bestselling Jesus Of Nazareth trilogy, a series the pope now claims he should have ended after the first book.

The pope says all of the graphic depictions of Christ's crucifixion are coming off "a bit morbid and creepy."

"I'm flipping though this thing and I'm thinking, 'Man, I sound like a broken record, don't I?'" said Benedict, opening to a random page of the new book and pointing out a "crazy" number of references to the Son of God. "It's just Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Page after page of nothing but Jesus. Who wants to read that?"

"I was worried at first," Cardinal Lorenzo Antonetti said. "Then His Holiness reassured me that whatever words he chose, birth control, abortion, homosexuality, and the distribution of condoms in starving, AIDS-ravaged nations would always remain abominations. That calmed all my fears."

POPE-JEWS NOT TO BLAME FOR KILLING IMAGINARY CHARACTER CALLED CHRIST.

Pope: Jews not to blame for death of Christ

The Pope has exonerated the Jewish people for the death of Christ, insisting that they must not be collectively blamed for his death

That's all right then.  I bet they're relieved they didn't kill an imaginary figure they don't believe in!

THE FRAGRANCE FOR MEN WHO THINK THEY'RE INFALLIBLE!

CLICK TO ENLARGE

POPE PROMISES LIVE BURNINGS OF RANGERS SUPPORTERS ON STAGE DURING TOUR!

POPE Benedict XVI has promised his UK tour will feature the live on-stage incineration of those who consort with demons. 
It's all about bums on priests.Sales for the cleric's spoken word stadium dates had been hovering slightly below the level of Jedward's recent tour, prompting the last-minute addition of medieval-style burnings.  A spokesman for the Catholic Church said: "We wanted to update the show with some spectacular Vegas-style pyrotechnics yet remain faithful to the cultural heritage of Catholicism.
We decided therefore that the burning of some witches would go down a treat with an audience looking to embrace the Pontiff's love for the first time.  We are therefore looking for oldish women in Glasgow, for the Holy C's visit, that might be wizened, with a warty face and own a black cat.  If they happen to be Glasgow Rangers supporters, that would be a bonus".
The Holy Pontiff  will also perform an exorcism, live on stage, with a 'Big Brother' contestant and in a bid to reach a new audience, there will be live Lesbian acts and various homosexual men will perform acts of random buggery.
The evening in Glasgow will end with Carol singing.  Amongst the songs the choir and audience will be performing are, 'The Fields of Athenry', 'There's not a Team Like the Glasgow Celtic' and 'You can shove the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland, up your proddy arse'.


Inspired by 'The Daily Mash'

CALIFORNIA DEMANDS THAT FRENCH DISCLOSE JEWISH HOLOCAUST TRANSPORT

France’s state rail operator, SNCF, has pledged to open its wartime archives to the state of California to prove it has “nothing to hide” over transporting French Jews to Nazi death camps.
The pledge came a week after California passed legislation making full disclosure on involvement in taking people to work, concentration, prisoner of war, or extermination camps between January 1942 and December 1944 a requirement for bidding to build a high-speed railway in the state.

Interesting.  Why should California be concerned with the Holocaust?  There are no doubts that there was a high number of Jews killed, although whether there was as many as is claimed is extremely debatable.  There was also high numbers of Gypsies and homosexuals killed.  Arnie Schwarzenegger, (what a hand for scrabble that would be), is , we are told , a devout Roman Catholic.  Did he ascertain what the Vatican's involvement was in the Holocaust, before he met the Pope?  Strong as the homosexual influence is in California, I doubt that this is the concern.  Could it be guilt on Arnie's part that his father served in the German Army?  Could it be that America is embarrassed at the length of time it took them to enter the war, thereby making the Holocaust worse?

Or could it be our old friends the Zionists?  Jews we are told make up 2% of the population of America, but they would seem to have total control over the media, the film industry based in California, the American Government and the American banking system with the American 'Fed', being owned by the Rothschilds and his cronies.  It might just be me, but they seem to have an undue influence over American life.

POPE TO ALLOW PRIESTS AN OCCASIONAL HANDJOB?

DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.
 In an open letter, the girlfriends of more than 40 priests have called for a relaxation of the church's stance on celibacy to allow a limited range of sexual practices, including the reverse Dutch Steamboat, the Stockholm Slip'n'Slide and the Sorcerer's Apprentice.  But a Vatican spokesman said: "Having read the letter I can't help noticing that the shaky handwriting looks suspiciously like that of a man on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Not to mention the fact that several of the pages were stuck together."
"The Pope is not totally unsympathetic - he's seen Barbarella for Christ's sake - but he simply does not understand why a fully trained priest would seek comfort in the arms of a woman when he's surrounded by rows and rows of freshly packed boymeat."

CHECK OUT THIS JOURNALIST'S NAME- IT'S A CRACKER!

h/t to don't call me Fred

Vienna Boys’ Choir caught up in sex abuse scandals

Roger Boyes, Berlin Correspondent of The Times

The Devil is lurking in the very heart of the Roman Catholic Church, the Vatican's chief exorcist claimed on Wednesday.

Father Gabriele Amorth said people who are possessed by Satan vomit shards of glass and pieces of iron.  He added that the assault on Pope Benedict XVI on Christmas Eve by a mentally unstable woman and the sex abuse scandals which have engulfed the Church in the US, Ireland, Germany and other countries, were proof that the Anti-Christ was waging a war against the Holy See.  "The Devil resides in the Vatican and you can see the consequences," said Father Amorth, 85, who has been the Holy See's chief exorcist for 25 years.  "He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, or even appear to be sympathetic. At times he makes fun of me. But I'm a man who is happy in his work."

FUCK ME!  To think the Reverend Ian Paisley has been right all along!

NOW POPE BANS CATHOLICS FROM USING SCANNERS AFTER MUSLIMS ALSO BANNED

The Pope has spoken out over the use of full body scanners at airports, insisting that human dignity must be preserved.  He has said that it is immoral to show your MALE GENITALIA to anyone apart from your wife and the Priest.
The equipment has caused controversy because it makes those who pass through it appear naked. This came only days after MUSLIMS were also banned from using the scanners.

Good. Soon it will be only us Scots Proddies that are allowed on planes because we don't mind having our WEDDING TACKLE visible for all and sundry.   However, expect a ruling from the MODERATOR OF THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND, any day now.

***MY STATS FOR SEPTEMBER***

JUST IN FROM GOOGLE, as you can see from the above chart I had 65,345,132 unique hits in SEPTEMBER. Of these 65,345,131 told their friends and they promise to visit in October.


This makes me more popular than, IAN DALE, GUIDO FOX, THE SUN AND HIS HOLINESS THE POPE.

SO GET IT RIGHT UP YOU!