POPE Benedict XVI has promised his UK tour will feature the live on-stage incineration of those who consort with demons.
It's all about bums on priests.Sales for the cleric's spoken word stadium dates had been hovering slightly below the level of Jedward's recent tour, prompting the last-minute addition of medieval-style burnings. A spokesman for the Catholic Church said: "We wanted to update the show with some spectacular Vegas-style pyrotechnics yet remain faithful to the cultural heritage of Catholicism.
We decided therefore that the burning of some witches would go down a treat with an audience looking to embrace the Pontiff's love for the first time. We are therefore looking for oldish women in Glasgow, for the Holy C's visit, that might be wizened, with a warty face and own a black cat. If they happen to be Glasgow Rangers supporters, that would be a bonus".
The Holy Pontiff will also perform an exorcism, live on stage, with a 'Big Brother' contestant and in a bid to reach a new audience, there will be live Lesbian acts and various homosexual men will perform acts of random buggery.
The evening in Glasgow will end with Carol singing. Amongst the songs the choir and audience will be performing are, 'The Fields of Athenry', 'There's not a Team Like the Glasgow Celtic' and 'You can shove the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland, up your proddy arse'.
Inspired by 'The Daily Mash'
