Friday, 28 May 2010

POPE TO ALLOW PRIESTS AN OCCASIONAL HANDJOB?


DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.
 In an open letter, the girlfriends of more than 40 priests have called for a relaxation of the church's stance on celibacy to allow a limited range of sexual practices, including the reverse Dutch Steamboat, the Stockholm Slip'n'Slide and the Sorcerer's Apprentice.  But a Vatican spokesman said: "Having read the letter I can't help noticing that the shaky handwriting looks suspiciously like that of a man on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Not to mention the fact that several of the pages were stuck together."
"The Pope is not totally unsympathetic - he's seen Barbarella for Christ's sake - but he simply does not understand why a fully trained priest would seek comfort in the arms of a woman when he's surrounded by rows and rows of freshly packed boymeat."

14 comments:

Sophia Pangloss said...

He's got such a lovely smile that man. Really draws ye in, makes ye feel safe, an' sleepy, awfy sleepy...

The Young Oligarch said...

I think you're just wan o' they bigots , DL .

Shame be upon you !

Lord Paisely said...

Catholicism is an abonimation !!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Sophes, settle down. You can't see what he's doing with his hands!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Oli, I just comment on what is in the news and if that happens to be priests or ministers of the Kirk, so be it. What about Lord Jackass of Wishie?

Dark Lochnagar said...

My noble Lord Paisley pattern, funnily enough the word 'abonimation' comes from the sme Latin root as 'Abortion' which most Catholics don't approve of. Just an advantage of a classical Scottish education. Pity the fuckers didn't teach me to type instead of teaching me Latin.

CrazyDaisy said...

Had a nightmare o this chap and even spoke in my sleep " you will not last until the end of June" wonder if it's true?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Daisy, You should either see a shrink or stop reading Shakespeare. The Ides of June. No, that was March. Well, you know what I mean!

Key bored warrior. said...

If they cut their hands of and fit hooks it would stop the buggers from wanking, after all they only have to make the sign of the cross. Some Altar boys might object though?


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine now, really."
"What about the eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped poop in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender,"you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop?"
"It was my first day with the hook."

Key bored warrior. said...

This little lad is peddling down the street on his bike in Belfast when he gets hit by a car doing about 60 miles an hour
An old woman rushes over to him and sees that he`s really badly injured
"An ambulance is on its way my son" She says " Do you want me to call for a priest ?"
"No thanks Ma'am " Says the little boy, "Sex is the last thing on my mind right now!"

Key bored warrior. said...

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up... and set off all the other bells.





I'll get me coat............

banned said...

Key bored warrior. The Belfast lad joke was the best I have heard for a while, ta.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Keybo, thanks for those. Excellent. Ones I hadn't heard before which for a wizened old twat like me is abnormal!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, they wre all crackers. As I said, when you get to 55 you think you've heard most jokes, but they were fresh to the market!