Wednesday, 16 March 2011


VATICAN CITY—Acknowledging that he has perhaps been laying it on a little thick with the religion stuff lately, Pope Benedict XVI said Wednesday that he was making a concerted effort to take all his incessant Jesus talk down a notch.
The Supreme Pontiff admits that, overall, his sermons and public addresses have been a little Jesus-heavy.
Though he reassured followers that he was still the head of the 1.1 billion–member Roman Catholic Church and an unwavering believer in the divinity of Christ, the pope suggested he might have an easier time communicating with people if he wasn't up in everyone's face about Jesus all the time.
"I just want to rein it in a smidge," Benedict said. "While I alone among men have been chosen to represent the Son of God upon this earth, I've found that if you have a big chip on your shoulder about something like that, it can be pretty alienating to people."
"I'd like to think I can be an infallible ecclesiastical authority without ramming it down people's throats," the pope said. "I'm starting to realize what a huge turn-off that is."

In a routine papal blessing Sunday at St. Peter's Square, Benedict made far fewer mentions of Jesus than usual and only cited scripture twice, opting instead for such uncharacteristic phraseology as "Sorry if this sounds preachy," "I'm not here to judge," and "Hey, this works for me, but by all means, feel free to do your own thing, too."
Benedict said the turning point came for him last week with the publication of book two in his New York Times–bestselling Jesus Of Nazareth trilogy, a series the pope now claims he should have ended after the first book.
The pope says all of the graphic depictions of Christ's crucifixion are coming off "a bit morbid and creepy."
"I'm flipping though this thing and I'm thinking, 'Man, I sound like a broken record, don't I?'" said Benedict, opening to a random page of the new book and pointing out a "crazy" number of references to the Son of God. "It's just Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Page after page of nothing but Jesus. Who wants to read that?"

"I was worried at first," Cardinal Lorenzo Antonetti said. "Then His Holiness reassured me that whatever words he chose, birth control, abortion, homosexuality, and the distribution of condoms in starving, AIDS-ravaged nations would always remain abominations. That calmed all my fears."


Billy said...

Oh Dear! As you are probably aware by now DL Nazareth did not exist when Jesus was supposed to have been around so just one of the big whoppas of lies in the Bible. You would think that they would check their facts when they are going to pass off pagan myths as a real person.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Billy, tell me about it. As I'm sure I've said that's both my in-laws died now in a 7 week period, so I've had it with the Catholic Church and all their pish. I was at a burning as well on Tuesday and although I know the woman wasn't religious they had dug up some twat from some Proddy church in Prestwick, who had only met the family the day before to say some 'mystical' words at the funeral and spoke at length as if he had known her all his life. Utter hypocrisy! She'll be birlin' in her ashes!