MALES TO GIVE SPERM WHEN THEY GIVE BLOOD!

Sperm and egg donation 'should be like giving blood'

Donating eggs and sperm should become as common as giving blood, the fertility watchdog claimed as it proposed new "centres of excellence" where donors will be made to feel more welcome.

At last dear reader, I am up to speed on this sperm donor carry on.

It just happens in these difficult financial times a and due to the  facts that my sperm is of such high quality, (as it doesn't escape very often) and my health, looks and physique being so good that I am in great demand at these centres, where one can also make a few bob.

As usual this morning, I was given a plastic beaker and a copy of 'Hustler' magazine from the 1980s and sent to my usual cubicle to do the business, so to speak.  Now as you also get paid an hourly rate I was still in there about an hour later reading the readers letters to the editor when I heard someone going into the cubicle next to me, the first time this had happened.  "Fuck me", I thought, "I don't fancy choking the chicken with some bastard listening to me", when it became apparent that he wasn't in there alone,  as I could hear a female moaning.

I crept up on a chair and looked over and here was some arsehole getting a blow job from the nurse.  Well, I pulled the strides up and marched out, straight up to the front desk and shouted at the receptionist, "how come I get a plastic beaker and a copy of a wank mag and that bastard next door is getting a blow job from the nurse"?  

Smiling sweetly, she said, "sorry Mr Lochnagar, I didn't realise you had private health insurance.

LABOUR MEN VOTE JACQUI SMITH, MOST MARRIABLE AND MARGARET BECKET, MOST SHAGABLE!

In a surprise vote for 'THE LABOUR MONTHLY', labour supporters have voted former Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith as the 'WOMAN THEY'D MOST LIKE TO MARRY' and Margaret Beckett, 'former Grand Dame' of the party as the 'WOMAN THEY'D MOST LIKE TO SHAG'.

Jacqui was typically coy when told about the poll saying, "I think men appreciate the freedom that I give to my husband to buy porno tapes and choke his chicken as he wants.  After 20 years of marriage he doesn't want just little old me as his only sexual attraction but wants to look at young girls in school uniforms and couples dressed in rubber squirting bodily fluids over one another".

Margaret Beckett was unsurprisingly shocked at the poll finding's and told the magazine, "there must be some mistake!  I've never thought of myself in that way, but I suppose when the light's in the right direction and I'm wearing my little red suit, then I can be kind of sexy looking.  At least Tony thought so.  I guess men just want to get me in my little caravan and give me one on the camp bed and then help me to make a nice cup of tea on the Primus Stove.  And here's me nearly old enough to be a Granny too!"

Next month's article will be entitled, 'SHAGABLE MALE MPs IN THE LABOUR PARTY' by Pete Mandelson.