THE 'HAND OF GOD' WILL WIPE HIS BIG FAT ARSE IN LUXURY!

Diego Maradona has demanded two state-of-the-art bidet toilets be installed for him at Argentina's World Cup base camp in South Africa.
Builders were rushed in to carry out a £1,400 overhaul of the football legend's private suite after his aides complained that the existing bathroom facilities would not meet his 'high standards.'  His bedroom now includes two bathrooms, each featuring a bidet toilets, which according to a South African newspaper retail for £311 each.  They feature a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what 'front and rear bidet wands' are.  Like most SCOTSMEN, when abroad and we encounter a BIDET, we use it to cool the cheap Champagne.  But the man is quite right to insist on a spot of luxury in the bog department.  In fact, if I had his money, I would have someone to WIPE MY ARSE for me.  Indeed in Japan, they tell me that one of the most respected jobs you can get, is to be a SUMO WRESTLER'S ARSE WIPER because they are too fat to get round to them.  That might be a good job for some of these chav chappies off the sink estates.  Good working hours.  Decent living conditions and a bonus scheme for efficient arse wiping, with all paper saved being able to be kept for personal use.
No, maybe not.  That's the problem with this country.  You can't get good help!

40% OF FRENCH MEN THINK THEY ARE THE BEST LOVERS IN EUROPE, BUT FRENCH WOMEN THINK IT'S THE ......?

Almost 40 per cent of French men believe they are the best lovers in Europe, a new survey has revealed. 

But the research revealed French women do not hold quite such a high opinion of their nation's men as they do of themselves.

The YouGov survey for online retailers Kelkoo found 56 per cent of French women rate SCOTSMEN as Europe's most attentive lovers, and only 22 per cent consider French men best between the sheets.

Annette Bouchard of the Paris dating agency, 'Trouvez-moi Un Ecosse' , told DL, "it eez a fallacy that les Femme Francais want a romantic man who brings them champagne et roses.  They don't want hours of zee foreplay, NON, they want a man who comes in from the football after drinking un congac or ten, flings her over the couch, lifts up his kilt, shags le fuck out of her, wipes his cock on the curtains, puts on the T.V. and demands his tea.  Ah, that is a real man, not les poncey bastards we have here like Sarkozy".  "Un Ecosse Hairy, eez able to have his pick of french women", she added wistfully.

So there you have it, my fellow SCOTSMEN, next time your wife complains, you can tell her to shut it or your off to Paris.