Diego Maradona has demanded two state-of-the-art bidet toilets be installed for him at Argentina's World Cup base camp in South Africa.
Builders were rushed in to carry out a £1,400 overhaul of the football legend's private suite after his aides complained that the existing bathroom facilities would not meet his 'high standards.' His bedroom now includes two bathrooms, each featuring a bidet toilets, which according to a South African newspaper retail for £311 each. They feature a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands.
Now, I have absolutely no idea what 'front and rear bidet wands' are. Like most SCOTSMEN, when abroad and we encounter a BIDET, we use it to cool the cheap Champagne. But the man is quite right to insist on a spot of luxury in the bog department. In fact, if I had his money, I would have someone to WIPE MY ARSE for me. Indeed in Japan, they tell me that one of the most respected jobs you can get, is to be a SUMO WRESTLER'S ARSE WIPER because they are too fat to get round to them. That might be a good job for some of these chav chappies off the sink estates. Good working hours. Decent living conditions and a bonus scheme for efficient arse wiping, with all paper saved being able to be kept for personal use.
No, maybe not. That's the problem with this country. You can't get good help!
