Monday, 24 May 2010

THE 'HAND OF GOD' WILL WIPE HIS BIG FAT ARSE IN LUXURY!


Diego Maradona has demanded two state-of-the-art bidet toilets be installed for him at Argentina's World Cup base camp in South Africa.
Builders were rushed in to carry out a £1,400 overhaul of the football legend's private suite after his aides complained that the existing bathroom facilities would not meet his 'high standards.'  His bedroom now includes two bathrooms, each featuring a bidet toilets, which according to a South African newspaper retail for £311 each.  They feature a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what 'front and rear bidet wands' are.  Like most SCOTSMEN, when abroad and we encounter a BIDET, we use it to cool the cheap Champagne.  But the man is quite right to insist on a spot of luxury in the bog department.  In fact, if I had his money, I would have someone to WIPE MY ARSE for me.  Indeed in Japan, they tell me that one of the most respected jobs you can get, is to be a SUMO WRESTLER'S ARSE WIPER because they are too fat to get round to them.  That might be a good job for some of these chav chappies off the sink estates.  Good working hours.  Decent living conditions and a bonus scheme for efficient arse wiping, with all paper saved being able to be kept for personal use.
No, maybe not.  That's the problem with this country.  You can't get good help!

12 comments:

subrosa said...

Mock as much as you like DL but I'd love one of these posh bidets. I have one but it's not posh. It's accessible from the toilet so it's used for washing dirty feet. :)

Mark MacLachlan said...

Bidets are common place throughout the civilised world. It's only here in bogstandardvillle that we would consider a wipe with a piece of flimsy finger poking prone paper to be a sufficient method of keeping our nether regions in a hygienically sparkling form.

After his hand of God, he can use an entire flock of Swan's necks if he want's too.

See Rabelais 'Gargantua' if you don't get the reference...

UKIP for me said...

Did you see last nights 'Dispatches' progamme on CH4 ?
It was about the fate of children in South Africa and the dire state of the place . 200,000 children raped every year. Mainly by relatives. There's no proper social services or proper police and court service so the rapists ( 1 in 3 men are rapists) are freed after a short stay in custody. 8 million people live in huts made from bits of old cardboard and whatever is lying around. No electricity or running water. Certainly couldn't fit a bidet for the coke addict Maradona.
It makes the whole world cup thing an outrage. Spending billions on two weeks of footie while the country can't protect it's children or feed and house it's population.
A sad world we live in.

Bugger said...

Bidets are common place throughout the civilised world. It's only here in bogstandardvillle that we would consider a wipe with a piece of flimsy finger poking prone paper to be a sufficient method of keeping our nether regions in a hygienically sparkling form.

I believe that is why Conan keeps dogs.

wee boaby said...

I remember the bogs in the middle east. A hole in the floor full of flies waiting to gorge on your turd and a hose pipe to flush your arse out after a dump. The little cubicle was sprayed with faeces and smelled like satans breath.
We used to time our visits downtown to avoid prayer times when the shops shut and the bogs were swimming with faeces filled water as the locals 'cleansed' themselves before prayer. We would make sure we were near a ' Western hotel' so we were safe to go for a dump if nature called. Mind you even the nice hotels could be dodgy if a local got in there for a dump. The tell tale sign was bootmarks on the toilet seat where the local had squatted while dumping.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Rosie, what do you not drink Champagne in your house? You need a partner who serenades you with roses and champagne, preferably from a balcony.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Mark, Does your partner not purchase moist toilet paper for that 'final wipe' to give you confidence that your arsehole is smelling sweetly. You could eat your dinner off my arse, it is so clean. If of course, that was your inclination.

Dark Lochnagar said...

UKIPPERS, I'm sorry but your bringing down the tone of this thread with all your talk of rape and stuff. If you cannot talk about arsewiping like the rest of us, then wait for the next post when I will be probably talking shite about something more serious than areholes. Then again, possibly not.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Bugger, yes a dog is very handy and also a cat can be put to good use, even if their toungues are a wee bit scratchy. No my wife and I delight in the moist bog roll to keep our arseholes smelling sweet. These Bidet things are alright for the continental or the wog. A Brit doesn't like to get a jet of water up his arsehole when he's not expecting it. That's the problem with the bastards, there are so many different designs, one does not know what to expect!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Boabs, the wog has some fucking disgisting habits. What I don't understand is why in a so called Christian country we need to have 'wog lavvies' in our Airports and in other public areas like shopping malls! It's fucking unbelievable. Why do we feel we have to pander all the time to immigrants. If they can't adapt to our ways then they can fuck off! There, I've said it. That's the HR police after me now!

Conan the Librarian™ said...

My dogs liking for small furry creatures means they don't get anywhere near my genitals Bugger.

Back to bidets; a mate was boasting about a time when he was in the Scots Guards, and a Sloan ranger on the look out for a bit of rough picked him up in a bar.
She took him back to her flat and they did the business. In her well appointed bathroom, he asked "Whit's that hingmy fur?"
"Washing your bits"
"Aw? Ah usually jist polish mine."
Boomboom.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Conan, fuck me! The old ones are the best!