LONDON MAYOR KIDNAPPED BY MAD ROAD SWEEPER!

LONDON LIBRARY UNDER SIEGE AS 'NOB GANG' RIOTS!

The London Library-Pall Mall (library pic)

As I write this police are rushing to the LONDON LIBRARY just off Pall Mall as a bunch of 'nobs', many of whom are Oxbridge undergraduates, members of the  AnyoneforpoloOKyah gang from Sloane Square,  Chelsea have entered the building and have barricaded themselves in.

It is thought that some of the scum are reading books without paying to take them out of the library.  "The photcopier has been heard running almost constantly", said head librarian Constance Higginbottom.  The most popular tome appears to 'The History of the Tudors, What I Wrote', by the now discredited historian Dr. David Starkey, who last week offended liberal sensibilities by offering up the notion that last week's riots might have been due to the mass immigration of the last 20 years, particularly from Jamaica!

There are even suggestions tonight, that books by the celebrated authoress Jordan and the famous quick witted, 'man-about-town',  Piers Morgan have been trashed and used as toilet paper by some of the defecating rioters or arsenests, as they have become known.

The Mayor of London, Mr Boris Johnson, is known to be inside the premises.  It is not known if he is being held as a hostage, or whether he's trying to get his, 'Nat King Cole' from some of the younger, female protesters.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT FOREIGN EXCHANGE-THE EXPERTS TALK SHITE!

 

As some of you may be aware, through a bit of bad and good luck, we have purchased a property in the Costa Calida in Spain, near Mazarron, (available to rent shortly at keen prices)!

Now that is not the point of this post, but as we have a really good 'rent to buy deal', I have 18 months to move the money across to Spain to complete the purchase.  Some of you won't, I am sure, be aware of the fact that if you do it through your bank, the fuckers, will screw you on the exchange rate, so it is better to use dedicated foreign exchange companies.

As you would expect, I have, ploughed the Internet, taken a plethora of info in, about how the exchange rates will work.  It makes a big difference to me because it could make a difference of around £20k in the purchase price, depending what the Euro is doing.  In such times of flux, one is looking for a bit of good info.

I've come to the conclusion, however, that they don't know what the fuck they are talking about!  Since I was in Spain in May, the Euro has fluctuated between 1.12-1.14, fuck all of a difference, yet I am bombarded daily, (by my own insistence granted), with all this info about the pound being influenced by unemployment figures, inflation, factory output, consumer confidence, etc, etc.  All of which it seems to me, means fuck all!  You would be better sticking a pin in a bit of paper.

I remember meeting my Brother-in-law in the City of London, just after the crash and seeing brokers, pissed up to their eyeballs at lunchtime and thinking to myself, "fuck me, it's no wonder there was a crash"!

GREECE SAYS BORIS SHOULD MIND HIS OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!

Greek Foreign Minister, Georgios Popolopopous, last night weighed into the comments by Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

What the fucki it got to do with him?  He nothing but a blond bimbo!  He maybe be better looking after Bendy-Bike and no telling the ancient Greek People how to run their country.  Do I tell him how run London?  No.  He can go fuck his own botty!  He no fuck mines.  Any more of this shit, I phone George Michael or maybe Aristotle Stavros down at Stavros Fruit in fruit market and he no deliver Boris him courgette.    Me got good friend, D.L., who say that we should default and bring down Euro and he buy house in Spain cheaper!

BORIS JOHNSON UNVEILS 60FT 'BENDY' BIKE!

London Mayor, Boris Johnson, has unveiled his latest solution to the capital’s transport problems – the bendy bike, a 60ft-long, articulated bicycle that bends in the middle.
‘The bendy bike is just what Londoners need,’ said Mr Johnson. ‘It can carry up to fifty people and, with its accordion style flexi-frame, it can go round corners much more easily than any regular 60ft bike.’
The super-size velocipede can be hired at docking stations positioned around the capital and has the advantage of rapid simultaneous boarding. ‘People can simply hop on and hop off whenever they like,’ said the Mayor. ‘When you want it to stop just ring the bell or honk the horn.’
Unfortunately on it's first day of operation a disabled pensioner, Gladys Bigerse, was hurt as she tried to jump on at Oxford Street.  "It was the fist orgasm I've had since my husband passed away" she told us, "the bar of the bike just caught me right on the fanny and it was an exhilarating experience.  I'm going to try it again, once the bruising goes down".

Read the full story now at NewsBiscuit.com