BORIS JOHNSON UNVEILS 60FT 'BENDY' BIKE!

London Mayor, Boris Johnson, has unveiled his latest solution to the capital’s transport problems – the bendy bike, a 60ft-long, articulated bicycle that bends in the middle.
‘The bendy bike is just what Londoners need,’ said Mr Johnson. ‘It can carry up to fifty people and, with its accordion style flexi-frame, it can go round corners much more easily than any regular 60ft bike.’
The super-size velocipede can be hired at docking stations positioned around the capital and has the advantage of rapid simultaneous boarding. ‘People can simply hop on and hop off whenever they like,’ said the Mayor. ‘When you want it to stop just ring the bell or honk the horn.’
Unfortunately on it's first day of operation a disabled pensioner, Gladys Bigerse, was hurt as she tried to jump on at Oxford Street.  "It was the fist orgasm I've had since my husband passed away" she told us, "the bar of the bike just caught me right on the fanny and it was an exhilarating experience.  I'm going to try it again, once the bruising goes down".

Read the full story now at NewsBiscuit.com

NICKED KNICKER NICKING MASTERBATING MAYOR INCARCERATED

A mayor who got his ''sexual kicks'' by sneaking into bedrooms to steal women's underwear AND WANKING in the underwear drawers has been jailed for two years after he was caught out by a secret camera.  Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire.

Stafford was a trusted odd job man who worked for several OAPs.  One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts of her dirty knickers planted hidden cameras - which captured one episode of Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waist down with a pair of 'crusty' knickers over his head wanking furiously into her underwear drawer.  Stafford,  who resigned as mayor after being arrested, was jailed for two years after pleading guilty at an earlier hearing to three counts of burglary with exaggerated masturbation.

After hobbling into court using a walking stick, past his victims in the public gallery, his jaw dropped as he was sent down by Judge Heather Lloyd, who told him his actions were ''bluntly revolting''.  ''Your private desires or fantasies should only be your concern", she told him, ''To masturbate into a woman's underwear and place it back in the drawer, repeatedly, as seen in the DVD, was fucking disgusting.  I am determined to stop this wanking.  Only this morning I was telling my teenage son........".