Standing outside a porn shop in Soho, former Home Secretary, JACQUI SMITH, is seen waiting for her pimp who is lining up her next customer. Wearing a tatty old raincoat, she is just a shadow of the fine woman that took all the men on, with such gusto. Ever since that day that her husband was seen with the wank videos which had appeared on Smith's Westminster expenses, her carer has spiralled downwards.
Her fanny muscles are strained to the limit, the scratch marks on her once proud, erect breasts illustrate the deprivation to which she has sunk. Friends say she now seems distant and the injection marks on her arms show that she has resorted to injecting heroin, a habit she got into when she and Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, would have sex parties and she was forced to make lesbian love to Brown's wife, Sarah.
Smith though, is not a cheap whore like many in her profession. She is known professionally as 'Whippy Wendy' and her speciality is making men squirm before her 'cat o' nine tails' which she has taken over the rumps of some of the most powerful men in the country. Some of her customers include Nick Clegg, Peter Mandelsen and the Leader of Scottish Region of the Labour party, @Elmer GrayFudd, the new Twitter star.
Her husband, the man who caused her downfall, as currently working as a rent boy in the employ of 'two Jags' Prescott, the former deputy Prime Minister and now Lord Prescott, 'the vermin with the ermine' as he dubbed his noble Lords before taking ennoblement. The Media though that he nickname, 'two Jags' was made after his habit of having two Jaguar cars when it was actually named after his drug habit, which had become uncontrollable during the last few months of the Labour Government.
(Extracts taken from Ms Smith's new Biography, 'My Man's a Whoremaster-My Years in New Labour, available at all branches of Bargain Books, priced at £1.25)