Tuesday, 22 February 2011

JACQUI SMITH-HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN!


 Standing outside a porn shop in Soho, former Home Secretary, JACQUI SMITH, is seen waiting for her pimp who is lining up her next customer.  Wearing a tatty old raincoat, she is just a shadow of the fine woman that took all the men on, with such gusto.  Ever since that day that her husband was seen with the wank videos which had appeared on Smith's Westminster expenses, her carer has spiralled downwards.

Her fanny muscles are strained to the limit, the scratch marks on her once proud, erect breasts illustrate the deprivation to which she has sunk.  Friends say she now seems distant and the injection marks on her arms show that she has resorted to injecting heroin, a habit she got into when she and Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, would have sex parties and she was forced to make lesbian love to Brown's wife, Sarah.

Smith though, is not a cheap whore like many in her profession.  She is known professionally as 'Whippy Wendy' and her speciality is making men squirm before her 'cat o' nine tails' which she has taken over the rumps of some of the most powerful men in the country.  Some of her customers include Nick Clegg, Peter Mandelsen and the Leader of Scottish Region of the Labour party, @Elmer GrayFudd, the new Twitter star.

Her husband, the man who caused her downfall, as currently working as a rent boy in the employ of 'two Jags' Prescott, the former deputy Prime Minister and now Lord Prescott, 'the vermin with the ermine' as he dubbed his noble Lords before taking ennoblement.  The Media though that he nickname, 'two Jags' was made after his habit of having two Jaguar cars when it was actually named after his drug habit, which had become uncontrollable during the last few months of the Labour Government.

(Extracts taken from Ms Smith's new Biography, 'My Man's a Whoremaster-My Years in New Labour, available at all branches of Bargain Books, priced at £1.25)

16 comments:

banned said...

Things have moved on DL and only downwards for poor old Jaqui; I noticed her on the game at the back of Euston station the other morning. Feeling charitable I tossed her my old fag packet which contained about 10 or more cigarette buts.

I said "Look Jaqui, why don't you take advantage of the EU freedom of movement and get yourself over to Rotterdam where elderly Moslems are quite happy to pay up to twenty Euros to take you up the arse (so long as their mates can film it) and even more if you pretend to be a man".

She looked so grateful for my sage advice, pathetic really.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, sometimes in life proud yet haughty women like Jacqui find it difficult to make the transition from politician to eking out a honest buck like the rest of us. I ask you not to judge her too harshly, but ocassionally to slip her £20 before having a wank over her tits. You will enjoy it. Just watch out for her pimp, he charges £120.

banned said...

I'm not judging her DL, 'there for the grace of god' & wotnot'.

But I'm not reducing myself to her degraded status so stuck to the plan of tracking down a classic Hermione Norris wank vid.

Sammy Davies Jnr said...

I'm sure I saw that chick in Dallas a few years back.

Tiger said...

I'd pump it.

Joe Public said...

Britain obviously can't "do" sex scandals as well as the Italians.

Whatever you think about Berlusconi - you have to admire his alleged virility.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned for twenty quid you, you can get a wank over her tits. She's no cheap whore, you know.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Shammy, was she not the one that JR had a fling with?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Tiger, you behave yourself. You'll need to go back to the clinic, if you don't behave.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Publes, the man is one of my heroes are indeed the Italian women who put up with the old fucker. It's the men who vote against him!

Sammy Davies Jnr said...

" Shammy, was she not the one that JR had a fling with?"

No she looked like the chick I met on the set of' Debbie Does Dallas'

I doubt if it's her although if she's still turning tricks for the BBC then who knows.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Shammy, I did see her popping up on brillo head's prog last week in a very tasty black leather miniskirt. Very tasty she looked too, but then I like an older woman!

Sammy Davies Jnr said...

DL. Did she get her boobies oot ?
I can't watch brillos prog since that big black babe left. You wouldn't catch Diana flogging her ring down Soho.

Sir Fred the Shred said...

What a sad end to a glittering career.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Shammy, No, more's the pity. It was a piss poor episode. Even the bottle of 'Blue Nun' didn't make it go any better.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Fredders, just when your's is taking off again. Still OK for May?