JACQUI SMITH-HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN!

 

 Standing outside a porn shop in Soho, former Home Secretary, JACQUI SMITH, is seen waiting for her pimp who is lining up her next customer.  Wearing a tatty old raincoat, she is just a shadow of the fine woman that took all the men on, with such gusto.  Ever since that day that her husband was seen with the wank videos which had appeared on Smith's Westminster expenses, her carer has spiralled downwards.

Her fanny muscles are strained to the limit, the scratch marks on her once proud, erect breasts illustrate the deprivation to which she has sunk.  Friends say she now seems distant and the injection marks on her arms show that she has resorted to injecting heroin, a habit she got into when she and Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, would have sex parties and she was forced to make lesbian love to Brown's wife, Sarah.

Smith though, is not a cheap whore like many in her profession.  She is known professionally as 'Whippy Wendy' and her speciality is making men squirm before her 'cat o' nine tails' which she has taken over the rumps of some of the most powerful men in the country.  Some of her customers include Nick Clegg, Peter Mandelsen and the Leader of Scottish Region of the Labour party, @Elmer GrayFudd, the new Twitter star.

Her husband, the man who caused her downfall, as currently working as a rent boy in the employ of 'two Jags' Prescott, the former deputy Prime Minister and now Lord Prescott, 'the vermin with the ermine' as he dubbed his noble Lords before taking ennoblement.  The Media though that he nickname, 'two Jags' was made after his habit of having two Jaguar cars when it was actually named after his drug habit, which had become uncontrollable during the last few months of the Labour Government.

(Extracts taken from Ms Smith's new Biography, 'My Man's a Whoremaster-My Years in New Labour, available at all branches of Bargain Books, priced at £1.25)

BROWN IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY FLAWED SAYS WIKILEEKS

EX-PM 'GORGEOUS' , GORDON BROWN

Ex-Prime Minister, Gordon Brown,  has been exposed as being, 'psychologically' flawed according to Welsh file exposer, WIKILEEKS.

Dai, 'the postman', Jones, who has been accused by Mr Brown's office of opening confidential birthday cards sent by the Welsh Labour Party, claims in a new release yesterday, that Mr Brown liked to be called, 'GORGEOUS GORDON', by his staff and Labour Party confidants whilst in no 10.

According to the same source, Mr Brown was in the habit of calling, Tony Blair, 'FUCKFACE' , while Peter Mandelson got the monicker, 'PETER THE ARSEBANDIT'.

David, 'THE FAG', Cameron, told the Cardiff Courier, that the leeks will be investigated and if there still OK, will be made into a pot of soup along with some JIM, 'THE SPUD' MURPHY.

A WEE ADULT FAIRYTALE!

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;

'Vote for GORDON BROWN! Vote for GORDON BROWN!'

Snow White fell to her knees, praying, 'Thank fuck! At least Dopey is still alive....!'

GORDON BROWN SECTIONED!

Thanks to tractor stats for the photo

Reports are reaching us tonight that THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, GORDON BROWN has been dragged out of no 11 Downing Street to the Westminster Physiatric Hospital where he has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act of 1961.

A senior Labour source, Prime Minister Lord Mandelson said tonight, " I would like to pay tribute to Gordon, who although as Chancellor got us into this fucking awful mess, has been becoming increasingly delusional". "Since Tony retired and asked me to take over as PM, Gordon has had the weird idea that he was PM". " He even held a cabinet reshuffle without telling me, the old one-eyed TWAT".

"I knew that it was a bad idea letting him bat for me, so to speak, at PMQs as of course as a Lord, I am not allowed in the Lower Chamber". "It would have been a better idea getting Harriet to do it, but in some ways I felt sorry for him, but Cameron just made a fucking arse of him".

His wife, the LESBIAN GAY RIGHTS CAMPAIGNER said, " I am afraid Gordon has been going round the bend for some time now, I wish I'd never let him join in my LESBIAN SESSIONS WITH CHERIE BLAIR, but sitting in the corner masturbating seemed to give him some release, so to speak". "Of course it made an awful mess of the carpet, unfortunately".

Mr Brown seems to be getting on well with his fellow patients, God, the Pope, Elvis Presley and Alistair Darling.

One hundred and seventy four former members of the Cabinet who have resigned in the last two years are expected to apply for their jobs back.