SMOKING TO BE BANNED WITHIN 100YDS OF ROADS AFTER M1 FIRE!

A single cigarette tossed from an open car window may have started the inferno that shut the M1, causing travel mayhem and costing the economy millions.

Much of the motorway was still closed yesterday as the Highways Agency came under renewed attack for not repairing the damage more quickly.  The full six lanes will not reopen before the end of next week, meaning thousands of families will face Easter travel chaos.

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The Government has been forced to bring in EMERGENCY LEGISLATION, banning smoking anywhere within 100 Yards of a road.  This along with new EU legislation banning smoking in cars where there are non-smoking passengers, has fueled the purchase of 4X4s, which are able to drive up the sides of high mountains in Scotland and Wales, above the tree line, where the owners are able to smoke with impunity.  It is thought that the Scottish and Welsh Parliaments will be bringing in legislation taxing 'ALTITUDE SMOKING', as soon as they reconvene after the Election.
Scottish Labour Leader @ElmerGrayFudd told D.L., "we see this as one of the planks of our election.  People have been saying that I am as thick as that plank, but that's all a matter of opinion and not unsurprisingly, I don't agree.  But, then I couldn't possibly comment"!

SMOKING BAN LOBBY TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO PISSING IN SWIMMING POOLS!

Smoking lobby speaks out against swimming pool pissing ban

Still smarting from the ban on smoking in public places, the tobacco industry today turned its attention to another unjustified infringement of civil liberties that it says has clear parallels to the smoking ban – the requirement that all urinators leave swimming pools if they want to enjoy a piss.

‘Let’s be clear,’ said a spokesman for British American Tobacco, ‘damage to the cigarette business was never our primary concern about the smoking ban. What keeps us awake at night is the nanny state’s gradual erosion of the rights of the individual. It’s cigarettes in pubs one day, pissing in pools the next. There is a clear trend towards the banning of all sociable pastimes, and we cannot stand idly by and watch.’

‘The medical evidence put forward to support this outrageous ban is partial and contradictory,’ insisted a spokesman for grass-roots organisation FORESP, Freedom Of Right to Enjoy Swimming-pool Pissing. ‘Many doctors are certain that there are no harmful effects whatsoever from swimming in a pool full of someone else’s urine, and to appease the few whingers we all have our fundamental right to piss in public pools infringed. It’s a pleasant, warm feeling and does no-one any harm, for goodness sake!’

However, leisure centres up and down the country are adamant that a ban on pissing in pools is essential if they are to protect employees such as lifeguards and swimming instructors from the harmful effects of what doctors are calling ‘passive pissing’. ‘These people have the right to get on with their jobs without being exposed to second-hand urine,’ said David Nicholson, Chief Executive of the NHS. ‘I’m not saying we should ban pissing all together – that would be uncomfortable for everyone – but all the evidence suggests that pissing can lead to health problems in the long term, and floating yellow slicks in the short term.’

But if authorities are to tackle the harm caused by pissing, many believe they need to challenge the widely-held view that it is acceptable to empty your bladder in public swimming baths.

‘It was having kids that changed my perspective,’ said one former pisser, Gordon Renfrew. ‘I quit eight years ago. It was tough at first – I missed the warmth and camaraderie.  still get the urge from time to time, especially if I’m out swimming with friends who still piss, but I’d never go back to it. That said,I have been known to nip into the toilets to have a sneaky little slash in the basins. Just to be sociable, like'.

More at newsbiscuit.com

SMOKING TO BE BANNED IN CARS, PARKS AND ON THE BEACH!

A YOUNG SMOKER YESTERDAY, (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

A report from the ROYAL COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS has called for smoking to be BANNED in Cars, Parks and the beach.  They say that it is impractical to differentiate from when NO CHILDREN are present in cars, so all car smoking should be banned.
The next move will obviously to get SMOKING BANNED in the home when there are children present.  Surely no-one smokes in the same room as children nowadays, DO THEY?  I can see the point of a ban in smoking when there are children present in an enclosed space, but the PARK and the BEACH?  NO, THAT'S ONE STEP TOO FAR IN WHAT IS STILL A LEGAL ACTIVITY!

KNOW WHAT'S COMING NEXT-NEW YORK BANS SALT IN RESTAURANTS!

The nannying tendencies of New York's civic leaders have reached a new level with a proposal to fine restaurants that add salt to food.

Felix Ortiz has proposed a bill that would ban the use of salt in New York restaurants.  Bill A10129 would fine restaurateurs $1000 (£600) each time they were caught adding salt to food.  The New York assemblyman said it would allow diners to choose whether to do it themselves.  The administration of Michael Bloomberg, New York City's mayor, has already outlawed smoking from many public areas, banned unhealthy trans fats from prepared food and ordered many restaurants to list the calories in each item on the menu. He also favours a new tax on sweet fizzy drinks to help cut obesity.

And we're still arguing over the smoking ban!  Believe me down the line this law is coming to the UK.  I don't want to add my own salt.  I want the BASTARD who is cooking it and whom I am paying to 'CREATE' a dish for my pallet.  I hope they never get round to banning FARTING IN LIFTS, that's a particular favourite of mine!