LABOUR CANDIDATE IN MORAY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SACKED

STUART MacLENNAN, the LABOUR candidate, in MORAY has been sacked by that ARSEHOLE JIM MURPHY for amongst other things calling OAPs, 'COFFIN DODGERS'.
In a series of posts scattered with four-letter words, he attacked the Commons Speaker John Bercow ("tit"), David Cameron ("twat"), Nick Clegg ("a bastard") and the Labour backbencher Diane Abbot ("a fucking idiot").

Well, WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO ARGUE WITH THAT?  The words that Stuart used are the language of the young.  TWITTER is full of similar comments.  LABOUR should have the courage of their convictions.  The whole thing is a load OF PISH!  Just wait till I get onto TWITTER.  I'LL SORT THE BASTARDS OUT!

WHO GIVES A MONKEY'S TOSS WHAT PRINCE WILLIAM DOES?

FROM THE 'TELEGRAPH'



Prince William is to play the part of a stricken casualty and be winched into a helicopter as part of his training to become search and rescue pilot.  The 27-year-old will be hauled aboard an aircraft to learn what it is like to be airlifted in treacherous,  (AYE RIGHT),  conditions.

Who , apart from some sad bastards with nothing else in their lives, gives a FUCK WHAT PRINCE WILLIAM or any of his PAMPERED FAMILY DO?  At least in Scotland, we don't usually have to listen to this type of SYCOPHANT SHITE unless they are up here shooting at something or sitting FREEZING THEIR BOLLOCKS OFF at some obscure HIGHLAND GAMES where Willie's father will have dragged along that WHORE THAT HE MARRIED, dressed as if SHE JUST FELL OFF A BOX OF SHORTBREAD!

ARE THERE ANY WEE THINGS IN LIFE THAT ANNOY YOU?

Are there any small, inconsequential things in life that annoy you?

I'll tell you what it is with me.  I eat between 4 and 6 apples a day depending on what size they are, (healthy bastard), and you know those FUCKING LITTLE STICKERS the Supermarkets stick on them so the FUCKING THICK, CHECKOUT PERSON knows the difference between the particular varieties for charging, well why is it you CAN NEVER GET THE BASTARDS OFF!

NOW HEALTH AND SAFETY DOES FOR POSTMENS' BIKES!

They have survived for more than a century as one of our most familiar sights: the traditional British postman trundling up the lane on his sturdy bicycle.
But now pedal-powered deliveries are falling victim to the 21st century's most fearsome foe... health and safety.  The Royal Mail's chief executive Adam Crozier is phasing out the company's 24,000 English-made bicycles and replacing them with vans because of the 'safety risk'. 

FUCK ME!

BARRISTERS SAY THEY CAN'T LIVE ON THEIR WAGES!

Barristers in England have told Jack Straw that they can't survive on their income from LEGAL AID cases which they say currently runs at £60 per hour, which they insist is less than a CAR MECHANIC, AYE RIGHT! 
Samples of barristers defending recent Crown Court cases found that the daily fee for a nine-day theft case was £521.66 (ten years’ qualified); for a four-day robbery trial was £483.91 (three years’ qualified); for a sexual assault it was £568.74 (four years’ qualified) and for a case of actual bodily harm (six years’ qualified) £515.68.

Hmmm!  TWO AND A HALF GRAND A WEEK!  That's even more than they get in that other great institution, the House of Commons.  And that's for the legal aid cases.  They can't fool us you know.  We've all watched RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY and he had so much money he could afford a bottle of Claret every night at Pomerey's wine bar and he had brilliant hours.  So  I think Jack Straw, Lawyer or not, should tell them to AWAY AND THROW SHITE AT THEMSELVES!

LESBIAN GETS FORTUNE FROM ARMY IN DAMAGES AFTER ASSAULT FROM AINSWORTH!

A CARPET-MUNCHING soldier who was awarded nearly £190,000 after an employment tribunal found she was sexually harassed by MINISTER of DEFENCE, BOB AINSWORTH has had her payout INCREASED by more than £62,000. The Ministry of Defence launched an appeal after it was ordered to pay former Lance Bombardier Kerry Fletcher £186,895 following her successful claim for ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT FROM AN OLD WANKER WITH A TOUPEE! (I don't mean that he used his wig to assault her)
The MoD was ordered to pay Miss Fletcher £30,000 for injury to feelings, £20,000 to fund new DILDOS, £50,000 FOR NICE BIG NEW TITS and £65,558 for PLASTIC SURGERY to her face in case anyone recognised her and made a fool of her!


MINISTER AINSWORTH meanwhile is in negotiations with the TALIBAN and AL QU'EDA, both of whom want him to stay in his job.

WOMEN! - MEN TO BE OBSELETE BY XMAS!

SCIENTISTS INVENT DILDO THAT CAN REMOVE SPIDERS


MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.

You're the best, Icky-Spider Dildo The invention, described as the 'Holy Grail of dildo technology' will come with a free scrunchy and a bag of synthetic sperm and be in the shops in time for a man-free Christmas.

Inventor Professor Holly Brubaker said: "Upon discovering a spider the woman simply points the dildo at it and presses the big, pink button marked 'icky spider'."The dildo will emit an ultrasonic pulse and the spider will then run as fast as it can for the nearest available exit."She added: "The woman can then return to pleasuring herself by candlelight while eating a big bowl of chocolate buttons and reading about the fat parts of all the celebrities she watches on Living TV.

"News of the breakthrough has led to a wave of nostalgia among women for the men they will soon be chasing down the garden path with one of their own golf club.

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: "I think what I'll miss most is being spoken to like a child by someone who thinks he's the cleverest person in the world because he read the answers to all the Trivial Pursuit questions when he was 15.

"Jane Gerving, from Hatfield, said: "I'll miss living with the funniest man in the universe. He's just so very fucking funny. All the time."She added: "And of course, I'll miss the farts. The unrelenting tsunami of God awful, eye-watering, gut-wrenching farts.

CHEEKY BASTARDS. ARE WE GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN MEN?