Wednesday, 25 August 2010

PARIS HILTON STOPS A MAN WITH A HUGE HARD-ON, BREAKING OUT OF HER HOUSE!


A man carrying a huge ERECTION has been arrested after allegedly trying to break out of the home of Paris Hilton in Los Angeles.
The US heiress and whore was in the house masturbating when the suspect scratched on her front door and windows at 6am. " For Fuck's sake, let me out!  I can't take any more", he screamed.
Miss Hilton saw him on security cameras as she climaxed and was heard shouting, "bring me that HARD-ON you FUCKING WHOREMAISTER", in a Scottish voice as they had been re-enacting a sex game called, Aberdeen man shags a sheep that's got it's head caught in the fence.  Her boyfriend was also believed to have been in the house at the time, but he had been tied up to the bed, whilst Miss Hilton had been sticking strangely shaped things up his arse!
The suspect did not get out of the house, before the FBI broke in and rescued him, by firstly giving him an injection of SODIUM PENTATHOL in his COCK, to TAKE DOWN THE SWELLING, thus enabling him to get his pants back on.


Miss Hilton has been arrested by Los Angeles Police for statutory rape and boyfriend buggery, although she has maintained through her Lawyers that she was only administering a suppository.

14 comments:

The Young Oligarch said...

You've taken that too far , DL .

Might I suggest some "tasteful" French DVDs to calm you down ?

I find anything with Emmanuelle Beart in it (as long as she gets her kit off) does it for me .

Mark MacLachlan said...

Now replace Paris with Johanna Lamont, and feel the tone become more sympathetique...

I am Stan said...

Yeah....you still would though wouldnt you DL..;)

Dark Lochnagar said...

Oli, I've found in my advancing years that fucking anything does it for me!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Mark, for fuck's sake. That's some way to shatter a man's sexual desire!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Stanners, I'm not so sure. You see, I find plastic tits and tattoos a big turn off and I certainly wouldn't be up for her tying me up and sticking things up my erse, unless of course she was gentle and they weren't too big!

INCOMING!!!!!!! said...

DL I can't carry my erection. So I've got a sharaban of Cuban virgin girls to stroll it down the street!!!

Dark Lochnagar said...

INCOMING!!!!! with those hardened brown thighs that they roll their cigars and coconuts on! Old Fidel is not as stupid as he looks, you know. Is it some type of wheelbarrow or is it some type of other contraption? It's a good job you live in the country or else you'll have all the chav kids out shouting things at you as your procession passes, like, "Look at the old cunt with his cock in a barrow". You can say it in whatever accent is prevelent in your part of the country.

Barking Spider said...

Make that Jessica Alba and I'm your man, DL...... and she can stick whatever she wants wherever she wants! :-D

Dark Lochnagar said...

Spidey, even I wouldn't mind what she stuck up as long as it wasn't fleshy!

Barking Spider said...

I'd let her away with a finger, mate. ;-)

INCOMING!!!!!!! said...

DL there are ten of them and the pipe it down the street slung over their shoulders, coffin like. There are ten of them and they are wonderful lassies. Yes and I have checked their thighs, it is a requirement for the ceremony. They wear ceremonial garb and ankle bells. I chant and am stark bollock naked.

It is all part of the new religion I've started. May I remind you that you are Archbishop of Scotland. It is time for you to attend to your duties! Shall I send you up the official ceremonial Cuban virgin girls catalogue? Fidel is Grans Pasha of Cuba BTW. He's a smart lad.

BTW the chavs are so fucking dumbstruck by the sight, especially when I stop chanting and cuss them, that they all head for their suppliers to complain about the bad shit they've been sold.

By the time tey caom back I'll have enough followers to take them down pronto and convert them over.

Peace and a weekly stroll to you all.

INCOMING!!!!!!! Grand Numpty of England.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Spidey, maybe even two?

Dark Lochnagar said...

INCOMING, YOUR NUMBTINESS! By all means send the catalogue and the wife and I can have fun picking out the ten I'm not getting. I wouldn't mind a colour photo though as I'm not yet too old to choke the chicken.