SCOTTISH WOMEN'S SEA SWIMMING SEASON STARTS TODAY!

The Scottish Women's sea swimming season started today in North Berwick, with the women of the douce Scottish town taking the first dip of the year, so far.

Their President, BIG JEAN, commented, "Aye, weel.  It was a bit too warm for us this year.  It was only minus five outside but the water was at a tepid plus two.  Some of us had to break the ice which is unusual for sea water in these latitudes".  "Some of the girls cheated by having a 'PISHY', which gave them wee hot patches to swim in.  If we find who it was, they'll be thrown out of the club for CHEATING.  It was probably those two big soft JESSIES from LONDON.  They're no used to the delights of the  mediterranean like conditions we get in the FIRTH of FORTH.  Last year two of the lassies had to fight a POLAR BEAR.  But after we barbequed it, we found the meat was a bit stringy and tasteless, not nearly as delicious as the PENGUINS we'd pot-roasted the year before.

SHOCK NEWS-WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT THAN MEN!

A FUCKING BRAW LOOKING WOMAN WHO WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HER HUSBAND

'HE just couldn't keep his trousers on?'
'The man just wasn't happy with what he had at home,"
We've heard it all before. Cheating and men just seems to go hand it hand.
But what if men's wandering eyes was found to be a mere myth?
According to a recent survey, four out of ten women have cheated on their partners, compared to just a third of men.
The poll of 3,000 adults conducted by Opera North found that a fifth of women admit they feel a thrill from cheating on their partner, and one in four find complete strangers attractive and chase them.
A further one in four said they could not resist the temptation of a man in uniform, while almost one in five tend to cheat with people in authority.

So my male readers, do you know where your partner is while you are on the P.C. You thought she was downstairs, BUT SHE MIGHT BE GETTING SHAGGED BY SOME BASTARD TRAFFIC WARDEN IN THE SHED!

Going to the Gym-MY FUCKING ARSE!
Going out with the girls for a drink-AYE RIGHT!
Going to comfort an old friend who's feeling down-GOING TO THE CHEATING SIDE OF TOWN!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED MY FRIENDS!