Tuesday, 8 June 2010


Answer yes to three or more of these and you are considered common

  1. Do your toddlers have pierced ears?
  2. Are any of the doors of your car a different colour?
  3. Have you ever purchased an item using the television?
  4. Would you know how to cash a giro?
  5. Do you own a snake or a lizard ?
  6. Do you have tattoos over more than 25% of your arms ?
  7. Do you shop at Iceland?
  8. When you go out for a family meal does it come in a bucket?
  9. Do you watch ITV 2 ?
  10. Do most of your relatives live within walking distance?
  11. Have you ever been involved in a paternity test?
  12. Do you enjoy dog racing?
  13. Do you shop at Sport and Soccer?
  14. Do you have an account with Kays?
  15. Have you ever been on holiday to a caravan park?
  16. Did you name your children after celebrities?
  17. Do you take off your top when you go shopping?
  18. Do you own a 50" television?
  19. Do you have an England flag hanging from a bedroom window ?
  20. Do you watch Jeremy Kyle?
How did you fare?


Sophia Pangloss said...

Aye, ca' me a chav if ye want, jist cos ah've got a juicer machine sittin' at the back o' ma scullery press, an' ah like tae watch Jeremy Kyle fer a laugh. Ah wid ken tae go tae a Postoffice tae cash ma giro, but ah wid hae tae ask the lassie ahint the coonter where tae sign.

An' the day ah hing an England flag oot ma windae is the day ye can come by an' shoot me. Ah take it hingin' a Saltire oot yer windae isnae chavvy tho?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Sophes, I fail on 3,7 and 9, Iceland. On Iceland, I havnae been for a while, as I normally go to Farmfoods to get the cat's chicken so it disnae count!

Sgt Pepperspray said...

Fuck I took the Are You A Chav - The Definative Test Test and am Common.
Question 14: Do you have an account with the Krays? threw me a bit. I was only a toddler when the krays were running illegal loanshark accounts so am not sure. I had an Aunt who lived in the East End and she might have borrowed some money off them for Mothers Ruin (apparently she liked a tipple) so by family association if she did not pay them back (she was found pissed up floating at the bottom of the Thames wearing concrete slippers)I may indeed have an account, anyhow I just awarded myself half a point for no 14.
Hope that's not cheating DL.

subrosa said...

Like Sophia I watch Jeremy Kyle very occasionally. It's good for inducing a state of total relaxation.

Just don't understand the bit about taking your top off to go shopping. Do you mean my jacket/coat? Sometimes I do if I'm too warm in shops.

England flag? Indeed not. I've flown a saltire here for years.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Sarge, yes those Krays boys were a bit drastic if you owed them a few bob. In saying that I am led to believe that Kays are even fucking worse. At least the Krays didn't send in the bailiffs for a £1.50 debt mind you if you missed it it was £2,500 the next day.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Rosie, I can't believe you watch Jeremy Kyle. For a starter you're up to 3am like me. Christ what time do you get up in the morning? Does not one require some beauty sleep? I ran it past the wife yesterday in my first run at erecting a flagpole at the bottom of the garden to stick a saltire up. Not only would I be being patriotic but it would scare the next door's bastarding pigeons. Excuse my french, but they annoy me intensely.

Conan the Librarian™ said...

1. Do noses count?

2.Car?! Me Biker.

3.Yes, I swapped a colour TV for a crate of beer in 1980.

4.Isn't it in the Post Office?

5.I have a trouser snake.

6. No. Does love and hate on your knuckles count?

7.Yes, I get Hangikjöt sent over.

8.The Hákarl usually ends up in a bucket.


10.I don't live near Saughton.

11.Depends what you mean by test...

12. I usually beat them when I'm on my bike.

13.Must be some sort of weegie shop.

14.No, Littlewoods.

15.Only in February.

16.No, just boy bands.

17.See 15.

18.No I swapped it for a crate of beer in 1980.

19.No. Does an England fan count?

20. Why should I? Does he get a bit lippy after a bevy?

Down in the smoke, looking cool in Burberry said...

I got 25 out of 20 right.
Where's my prize?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Conan, I think you, like me, fall into the couldn't give a fuckers! i used to go into Iceland for frozen veg, so I don't know if it doesn't count if you don't buy sausage rolls and stuff. Anyway it's cheaper in Farmfoods the real 'cheapy' shop.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Smokers, buy your self a burberry hat and charge it to me. I did a post months ago about a Burberry painted house, you'd have liked that one.

banned said...

1/3 chavvy having once spent a long weekend at a nearby caravan park but only because it was the simplest option when faced with hosting three visiting friends+, certainly easier than opening up the spare rooms and re-hiring the servants.
Made them do 'self-catering', what a laugh that was.

Ta Conan for explaining Q.3 which had confused me.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, Yes Q3. You don't have to swap, pawn or sell the TV to buy something. I once bought a fucking £120 juicer at 2am when I woke up, pished. It didn't seem such a good idea in the morning, certainly to my wife at least and I think I used it less that a dozen times. In fact I think it's out in the hut. I'll maybe get it out. And the juicer as well. Ha Ha, LMFAO!