Thursday, 1 October 2009


I have long held the theory that FUCKING WINDFARMS are to blame for all the shite weather we get in Ayrshire, as the turbines "SOOK" IN the weather depressions causing constant rain.
A windfarm at GALSTON was opened in June by his MAJESTY, ALEX SALMOND, and since then apart from a few days it has pished of rain.
I managed today to contact BBC WEATHER GURU, HEATHER (the weather) REID.
She told me, "DL you are right, this is a little known fact in the meteorological circle. Windfarms do indeed "SOOK" in bad weather, which is a bit of a FUCKER as I had booked two weeks in MILLPORT in July and it fucking pished, mind you it was better than last year when I went to Portobello Beach and I couldn't get the grains of sand out my fanny for weeks. I suppose it was my fault for shagging one of the DONKEYS!"
As I seemed to be striking up a bit of a conversation, I continued "Heather tell me, is it true you give the best BLOW-JOB in BBC SCOTLAND?" "Naw, not me, she answered in a cheery kind of homespun way, that'll be Jackie Bird you're talking about." "Thank fuck, I said, I thought you were going to say that useless FUCK-WIT who used to be in a pop group and does the fitba now".
Anyway the upshot of this tale is, ALEX WE WANT NUCLEAR POWER, STICK YOUR TURBINES RIGHT UP YOUR ARSE and if your looking for a good blowjob around PACIFIC QUAY you know where to go. (Tropical Palms Sauna, Bath Street. Special day-rates and cheapies for men over 50)


Barking Spider said...

That's fucking hilarious, DL! LOL

banned said...

The Daily Telegraph tried telling me just yesterday that power stations cause the wrong type of snow, didn't believe that either LOL.

Power Stations Cause Snow That will Kill Your Warns 'Reseacher'

an engineer explains things said...

They should wire those windmills up to a nuclear power station and if it's not windy then switch them on. As the windmills (Ed. it's turbines ya eejit ), sorry as the turbines start turning then use their power output to generate electricity and you can then switch the nuclear power station off. We'll therefore get green energy until the turbine slows down and hence save the planet.
Also if we cover all of Scotland with turbines we can lift the country up and so save ourselves from being overwhelmed by rising sea levels. Well maybe just a good drying out as oviously the country would start to fall down again as the wind dropped. But it would give householders time to dry out their lobby and go for a dump. And get to the shops for fags and 40p per unit booze.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Ah but, What would happen if when the country was lifted and it was nearer the sun bits dried out and holes appeared. People might fall down these holes and would then either be burnt by falling into molten lava, die from the drop or be crushed when Scotland landed on top of them. And what would happen in Aviemore, which is already fucking high would it touch the moon at night?

As usual you fucking engineers don't think things through but just go for the easy solution!

P.S. Where would the dumps end up?

an engineer explains things further said...

Obviously being engineers we would do calculations. Do a scale model and see how many turbines would be able to lift a certain weight. I think a 3 foot lift at a force 4 windspeed for one hour should give everyone time to take stock. Let the dog out. Do ablutions. Stock up on essentials. Watch Come Dine with Me etc.
Good point on the toilet flushing. Have to be a spring type expanding toilet outflow. Expandable up to 6 feet for any variations in weather conditions with a turbo type flusher to fire the turds further into the system than normal.
Should be ok at Aviemore etc. The 3 feet lift would keep our mountain tops way within safety limits.
I doubt if the sun would ever shine in Scotland so we would never " dry out ".

Dark Lochnagar said...

I apologise Engineer, you've obviously done your calculations and here was me thinking you were talking out of a hole in your arse. But tell me one thing, if the country was getting lifted 3 feet away from the centre of the earth would that not make us in theory 3 feet taller. This would be fucking handy, because I am 6 foot roughly and a fat bastard, or vertically challenged if you take my point. However if I was 9 feet tall I would be a lot thinner as my weight would be distributed over a longer body. This would however confuse my Doctor as it would depend when I went to his surgery as to whether he told me to lose weight or not. If I was 9 foot would my cock grow in proportion as it is too fucking wee now and I have difficulty in finding it to piss. (Although if it was one and a half times it's size I would have a whole 18 inches to play with)(aye right!)
Also if my height was 9ft my feet would be the same size and I would have difficulty balancing.

Would this turbo type flusher for tolleys be available on the NHS or is it something that we would have to purchase privately?

You mentioned previously rising sea levels. If the sea rose and when Scotland fell down when the turbines switched off, say because there was no wind or the nuclear power ran out, would there be a Sunami created which would drown those Irish cunts and hopefully their American diaspora?

an engineer said...

Because the earth is a fixed mass, as Scotland lifted up 3 feet there would have to be a depression of 3 feet at the opposite side of the earth to compensate. This would result in short term flooding in Australia. They're usually pissed most of the time so probably wouldn't notice. We could issue warnings like the Tsunami warnings just in case although they're usually ineffective ( note thousands drowned somewhere unpronouncable on the news despite the Pacific warning being issued.)
The Irish may be affected but luckily no one gives a fuck ( unless they vote NO in the referendum tomorrow - then they're cheery Irish chappies )
Your surgery visits would be unaffected.
There would be no physical effects on your body.

Dark Lochnagar said...

That's a relief, nobody is going to miss a couple of thousand convicts in OZ. I'm glad you are able to spell Tsunami properly, I was only testing by misspelling it to see if you were paying attention. I take your point about the Earth being a solid mass, but what would happen to England when Scotland rises 3 feet? Would it be like a pizza when you take a slice out of it and the cheese gets squelchy? Would there be a resultingt 3 foot drop from Carlisle to Brighton meaning that the rivers would change course and London would be swept out to sea. Hey result!

My wife is very disappointed that my cock won't get any bigger as she is fed up getting shagged by her tennis coach. My mistress doesn't mind got she's only got a wee fanny anyway.

an engineer said...

I think we would have to rebuild Hadrians Wall to stop any flooding down south. We need England to keep functioning in order to continue supporting our benefits system etc.
Purchase a strappadicktome and your wife will no longer have to shag the Cliff Richard lookalike. Give your mistress my name and I will sort her out properly.

Dark Lochnagar said...

A Cliff Richards lookalike! Give her a break she's not that ugly! Give me your real name and address and I'll send the mistress round to GIVE YOU a good seeing to and she'll not charge too much,BTW. Mr Salmond says we don't need England, all we need is our own oil revenue and we can tell them to fuck the fuck off. We may however have to rebuild Mr Hadrian's wall to stop the bastards coming here to sponge off us now we've got all this money. Fuck me, next thing they'll be wanting free education, personal care and frozen council tax bills!