Friday, 16 April 2010

SALMOND TARGETS ENGLAND WITH ASH IN REVENGE FOR LEADERS' DEBATE!


After consultation today in Edinburgh, FIRST MINISTER, ALEX SALMOND, has ordered all WINDFARMS in Scotland to blow the VOLCANIC ASH which currently sits over Scotland TOWARDS ENGLAND!

"It's essential that we get our Airports and infrastructures back on line as quickly as possible and anyway blowing the ash towards ENGLAND will teach the bastards for not letting me take part in the LEADERS' DEBATE last night to give the SCOTTISH VIEWPOINT" he told D.L. this morning.
IAIN GRAYMAN, the Scottish labour leader has protested stating, "this is typical of the Scottish Government picking fights with my GAFFER.  The SAVIOUR OF THE WORLD won't now be able to fly home to support Labour candidates the length and breadth of Scotland in their campaigns, (to their GREAT RELIEF).

16 comments:

wee boaby said...

I was going to wash the car today but there's no point now. Phew.
I never realised the noise that aircraft make around these parts until they all stopped flying . Weirdly silent. Watch the UFO reports go to zero aswell as most sightings are just normal aircraft.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Boabs, aye I've noticed that. I stay near Prestwick and the silence is deafening. It will not stop, UFOs, they've got different propulsion systems. For Fuck's sake have you never watched Startrek?

banned said...

Thank fuck for your timely explanation DL, I thought it was Iceland resorting to Tectonic Terrorism in the wake of their failure to wreck our economy by stealing all our money!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, as ever your soaring DL is first with the news. The BBC and ITN are both after me but fuck them, I have to stay loyal to my core readership. You and Boabs!

wee boaby said...

It's been a strange day DL. Enviromental Health saying to avoid the volcanic dust due to potential lung damage yet some bloke in Shetland licks it off of his car on the BBC. For some reason the BBC don't mention that the bloke in Shetland is a BBC DJ ( Tom Morton Radio Scotland 2pm - 4pm for donkeys years). Then for something that's costing us £100m a day they send up a shitty little plane to test the air. WTF ? You could drop concrete slabs on top of the volcano for £50m a day and shut the fucker down quicker.
We've definitely lost the plot.

The Boggart said...

Right now some tosser in the Treasury will surely be brewing up some form of V.A.T or Volcanic.Ash.Tax no doubt measured in millimetres cubed,
To be levied on us motorists :
I can hear the Gorgon now "you have 2m cubed billions" of V.A.T
on your car this will cost us £89
per car to fix.
From your previous posts darky this is surely no big stretch of the imagination :-)

banned said...

I think its just another scare story instigated by the met office to try and hide their shame over Climategate.
Some twat on the radio yesterday talking about that plane, "Just because we didn't actually find any ash, doesn't mean it's not there". So what's the fucking point of that then?

wee boaby said...

Has the gorgon mentioned anything about our Afghan war casualties yet ? Doubt it. Hopefully they will be shipped to Oz instead. There's no long term critical care facility at camp Bastion.

Dark Lochnagar said...

boabs, I've been wondering when we're going to see the first picture of some daft fucker walking around with a face mask on, a la swine flu!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Bogey, rest assured if thre is a tax to be levied those labour bastards will be levying it. They've already skinned every body in the country apart from themselves. So much for the working man!

SNP for me said...

The volcanic eruption is caused by global warming...

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=ice-cap-thaw-iceland-volcanoes

Don't say we didn't warn all you deniers.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, the whole fucking thing is pish. Why don't they fly under the ash. To the best of my knowledge there are no mountains near Heathrow above 5000 feet!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Boabs, there just going to soot the wounded on the spot and then they can get a nice send off when they come home. Mind you if the numbers go up, they won't bring them home but bury them where they are!

SNP spokesman said...

The volcanic eruption is caused by global warming...

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=ice-cap-thaw-iceland-volcanoes

Don't say we didn't warn all you deniers.

Dark Lochnagar said...

SNP Spokers, welcome. " They said there was no sign that the current eruption from below the Eyjafjallajokull glacier that has paralysed flights over northern Europe was linked to global warming". SHITE! Does that mean I'll need to send my do-it-yourself-wind-turbine-for-the-roof-which-may-scare-away-next-doors-pigeons?

Dark Lochnagar said...

SNP Spokers-Eh, with 'back' at the end!