LOCAL MP, CATHY JAMIESON TOURS THE STRICKEN TOWN
President Goulache of HAITI, in a gesture of extraordinary generosity, has pledged that ALL MONEY raised by International Charities is to be donated to KILMARNOCK, after he saw the PICTURES OF DEVASTATION caused recently when the CHINESE CARRY-OUTS closed for the annual CHINESE NEW YEAR HOLIDAY.
Rampaging looters have been seen attacking CHIP SHOPS that have run out of CHINESE CURRY SAUCE for their CHIPS and the local SUPERMARKETS have been looted for ANY CHINESE FOOD. PRAWN CRACKERS have become the local currency with DRUG DEALERS giving away free 'SMACK' with every bag. The local WHORES have been dropping their KNICKERS for a SPRING ROLL and illicit SPECIAL FRIED RICE dens are springing up all over town.
HELPING KILLY'S single, Everybody Hurts, orchestrated by pop mogul Simon Cowell has been top of the singles charts for a second week running and famous WAG, CHERYL COLE has promised to visit the town if the POLICE can guarantee she won't be raped. POP-PIXIE, BOB GELDORF, is said to be ready and willing to put on an AID CONCERT to rival anything seen so far.
TOUR BUSES from the neighbouring, if more affluent town of AYR are quickly being organised by the local population and thousands of tins of DOG FOOD have been donated to THROW AT THE KILLY BASTARDS!
10 comments:
Sitting here crying DL. What a nice gesture.
Thank goodness I'm not in charge of that area.
Mass spraying with DDT then a follow up for any survivors with a spray of the UZI 9mill.
I salute your indefatigability.
Dirty Rat, i sit not 10 miles from the devastation. I would however recommend the use on machetes as there is no point in wasting bullets on the scum!
Strangely, in all my travels I don't think I've ever stopped in Kilmarnock or a few of the other towns in the area. Maybe it's because I was en route south or something...
Rather than aid, which breeds despondancy I'd rather supply the neds with haggis seeds to promote sustainable self-sufficiency.
Rosie, you have then been very fortunate. Had you stopped you may have been traumitised by the sights you may have seen, that is if you didn't become sexually assaulted by the rape gangs who roam around the town looking for a strange female face to attack. And that's just the POLICE.
Banned, unfortunately they are well past that stage. They have become ferral, like rats holed up in the stinking ships of the 16th century that plied their trade between here and the new world bringing Bubonic plague to all who came in contact with them. No, no. The only humane solution is to put them down as humanely as possible. Machetes sound good.
Ayr, where men are men and so are the wimmin!
On a serious note, Kilmarnock really is a fucking dump. The rectum of Ayrshire.
As a three towns lad originally, it must be bad for me to say that!
Rab, I know where your from! I thought you'd like this one. Can you imagine what Killy was like before they built that new estate at Rowallan and three thousand private house punters from the south side of Glasgow moved in? Fuck me!
A couple of years ago, Western buses were celebrating 75 years in business or something and had an open day at the bus depot.
I went with the missus and took an open top bus tour of Kilmarnock.
I now know what it was like to tour London after the blitz.
Rab, I bet there were more buildings standing after the blitz. What sort of refreshments did they give you, haggis suppers and Irn Bru?
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