LOCAL MP, CATHY JAMIESON TOURS THE STRICKEN TOWN
President Goulache of HAITI, in a gesture of extraordinary generosity, has pledged that ALL MONEY raised by International Charities is to be donated to KILMARNOCK, after he saw the PICTURES OF DEVASTATION caused recently when the CHINESE CARRY-OUTS closed for the annual CHINESE NEW YEAR HOLIDAY.
Rampaging looters have been seen attacking CHIP SHOPS that have run out of CHINESE CURRY SAUCE for their CHIPS and the local SUPERMARKETS have been looted for ANY CHINESE FOOD. PRAWN CRACKERS have become the local currency with DRUG DEALERS giving away free 'SMACK' with every bag. The local WHORES have been dropping their KNICKERS for a SPRING ROLL and illicit SPECIAL FRIED RICE dens are springing up all over town.
HELPING KILLY'S single, Everybody Hurts, orchestrated by pop mogul Simon Cowell has been top of the singles charts for a second week running and famous WAG, CHERYL COLE has promised to visit the town if the POLICE can guarantee she won't be raped. POP-PIXIE, BOB GELDORF, is said to be ready and willing to put on an AID CONCERT to rival anything seen so far.
TOUR BUSES from the neighbouring, if more affluent town of AYR are quickly being organised by the local population and thousands of tins of DOG FOOD have been donated to THROW AT THE KILLY BASTARDS!