Wednesday, 30 December 2009
SCOTTISH SECRETARY MURPHY IN SUICIDE ATTEMPT AFTER 'ANUS HORRIBLES'
Scottish Secretary, Jim Murphy, was unfortunately recovering in Hospital after some stupid bastard rescued him, when he attempted to commit suicide at a Glasgow shipbuilding facility, earlier today.
Murphy, jumped into the freezing water after having consumed nearly a half bottle of Malt Whisky. One of the production crew who were there a Mr John Brown said, "aye, yir Murphy man, was well pished. He suddenly shouted something about an 'anus horribles' and jumped over the edge. Most of the guys wanted to leave the wee bastard but the gaffer said we had to pull him up. We did eventually, after we had been for our tea-break and by that time he had been in the water about 30 minutes and he looked even worse than when he went in, if that was possible."
Mr Murphy was rushed by ambulance to Woodford Green Hospital in London, a journey of 357 miles because no hospital in Scotland wanted to take him. A Police spokesman later, told Dark Lochnagar, that investigations about the 'anus horribles' were still at an early stage and that they were not sure if the 'Anus' in question referred to Lord Foulkes or if Murphy was talking about his own.