Monday, 9 November 2009

SAFETY POLICE TO CHECK SMOKE ALARMS IN YOUR HOME!



SAFETY POLICE licensed by the DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH will soon have the right of entry into your home to check on the following: smoke alarms, stair gates, locks on medicine cabinets, windows and oven doors and finally bath temperature controls.

Initially this will be for homes with young children and a computer database will be set up. " One million accidents happen every year in the home to children and many of these are preventable" said a Government spokesman.


Mrs DL is seen in the photograph fitting a smoke alarm in case I set the chip pan on fire again when I'M PISHED!


However my friends, do you think the SAFETY POLICE WILL STOP AT FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN. I don't fucking think so! They'll soon be checking if you SMOKE OR DRINK in the house CONTRARY TO E.C. LAWS. Will they be checking to see if you have CLEAN KNICKERS ON, in case you have an accident? Soon there will be a series of court fines starting at £100 for SKIDMARKS in your Y's.


YES, WE'RE IN THE SHITE, but never mind nice Mr CAMERON, says he'll get us OUT OF IT! AYE RIGHT.

16 comments:

scunnert said...

I live in a hovel but have aspirations of becoming a Tinker. Will the EU protect me?

banned said...

What sort of half-wit nosey cunt would apply for such a job ? Some wanker who has got scared of being a PCSO because all the kids take the piss out of him ?
" Well Miss So&so, yer stair guard is fucked and yer smoke alarms battery is dead, tell you what; I won't tell Social Secuity Enforcement if you give us a shag ".

Barking Spider said...

When does the revolution start?

tommyknockers said...

They will be checking the fire alarms in hell next.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Scunnert, Indeed you will be protected by the mighty power of the E.C. Social cohesion will be the goal as we all sit in front of our goggle boxes being fed more and more shite like the Eurovision Song Contest and Eastenders as long as we remember to take our pills everything will be fine.....

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned , you mean there's a fly fuck as part of the jog description. Where do I sign up?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Spidey, everything will now fall into place now the Lisbon Treaty is ratified. Everything becomes a possibility because there is fuck all we can do about it if we don't like it, unlike the French who seem to have more backbone than us and get out in the streets. They then do fuck all about implementing it unlike us who say we don't like it but we must follow the rules. My fucking arse.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Tommy,The E.C. already have a sysytem for alarming hell. They also have a complaints procedure in place for heaven regarding the noise level of those noisy fucking angel cunts strumming and singing heavenly songs and disturbing the peace of others who just want a kip.

Shades Of Ansel said...

Jezus H fucking Christ on a bike.My head is getting too full of this shit and I think I'm about ready to blow a gasket or 12.I shall be watching Taxi (Bobby De Niro) for ideas.If they knock on my door,I'm afraid prison looms for me.I'm sick to the back fucking teeth of these cunts snooping,of CCTV,the nanny state and the erosion of everything my Grandparents ever fought for.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Ansel just check your knickers for skid marks, that's the most important thing. Get a shotgun ready in case they appear at the door and you can blast the bastards to kingdom come.

Shades Of Ansel said...

shotgun's already ready mate.its on a hair wire attached to my front door handle.

remove the battery before use said...

Your missus will come to fuckin hate that smoke detector DL. Every time she burns the toast she'll have you climbing up on the chair taking the battery out.
So do what I do. Just take the battery out and throw it in the bin when she's out. Simples.
O/T I got my new AA card today. No not for drinking too much but because I drive an old banger. It had a wee envelope for me to post the old card back to their recyling centre in order to help save the environment. I wonder if the whole world is really going mad like fausty and all those strange blogs try to make out?
Talking of mad I was listening to the esteemed George Galloway ( campaigning in Glasgow tomorrow on behalf of Rock on Tommy with the tan and libel case) and George said that Stalin didn't knowingly starve people to death. I was taught at school that Stalin killed millions with his death marches and gulags and salt mines. Were all my teachers liars ?
Even Jeremy Clarkson is going bonkers over at the sunset Times. Wanting The Lord of the Ring tied to a van and driven around the kingdom until he dies. The Times were nobbled and pulled the article but it's worth reading on Old Holborns blog. Funny as fuck it is.
Sorry got a bit off topic.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Remove the batteries, she won't get me up a stool, I let her do that. It's the only time I ger a sniff of her snatch now, but every man needs a hobby.

Catch up with Holborn in the morning, it's 2.20 and I've got a doctors app in the morning at 9. the Bastards!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Remove the batteries. I got a chance to read the Clarkson piece. Fucking brilliant. He seems to be able to write just what everyone else is thinking. Funny it got pulled though!

remove the batteries said...

The daft thing is DL that it's in the printed dead tree version so what's the point of trying to censor it now ?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Remove the batteries, The murdoch empire moves in mysterious ways that are not ours to comprehend!