BROWN FINALLY SPOTTED AT GOULD FUNERAL!

Gordon Brown was finally spotted yesterday at the funeral of Elliot Gould, the former party policy planner.  I would say there is plenty of body language in Brown's facial expression when he sees Blair, as in "Christ, not that fucker, how do I avoid him"!

But, why are we paying this man's salary.  Now to be fair to him, apart from his book, (available now from all bargain book stores in time for Christmas, price £1.99), he doesn't seem to be  making as much as he can on the back of being a PM.  Not like that other fucker who went before him.  He did of course want the job as head of the IMF, but unfortunately for him, as a Presbyterian, he had no chance in a job which the Jewish bankers reserve for one of their own.

He did once say he was going to work in an Oxfam shop, but allegedly they wouldn't let him in case he started throwing shitty charity stuff about while smiling.  I suppose he could have kept an eye in the shop when the workers were at lunch!

SMITH AND HARMAN-MUD SLINGING

HARRIET AND JACQUI "GO AT IT", TO SEE WHO WILL SUCCEED GORDON BROWN

At a secret location last night, the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and the Deputy Leader of the Liebour Party, HARRIET MARMAN, had a frantic MUD WRESTLE to see who is going to succeed our worst PM since the 12 year old PITT THE JUNIOR.

As we await the outcome, due to overdue mud-caking, DVDs of the contest as filmed by Jacqui's shamed husband, PORNO PETE, are available at all good SEX SHOPS and on the DEREK DRAPER WEBSITE, priced at £19.99. The nude version which includes a box of tissues can be purchased for the knocker down price of £3.99.

Next week's contest will be 10 times 3 minute rounds between, HAZEL "THE WEE YAPPY BASTARD" BLEARS AND JOHN "THE BRUISER" PRESCOTT.

SPEEDOS will be worn by both contestants.