DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.
In an open letter, the girlfriends of more than 40 priests have called for a relaxation of the church's stance on celibacy to allow a limited range of sexual practices, including the reverse Dutch Steamboat, the Stockholm Slip'n'Slide and the Sorcerer's Apprentice. But a Vatican spokesman said: "Having read the letter I can't help noticing that the shaky handwriting looks suspiciously like that of a man on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Not to mention the fact that several of the pages were stuck together."
"The Pope is not totally unsympathetic - he's seen Barbarella for Christ's sake - but he simply does not understand why a fully trained priest would seek comfort in the arms of a woman when he's surrounded by rows and rows of freshly packed boymeat."
At the height of their fame The Beatles enraged the Roman Catholic Church by famously declaring they were bigger than Jesus.
Their enthusiastic pursuit of the sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle also did little to convince the Vatican they were anything other than a thoroughly bad influence. But now in a move sanctioned by Pope Benedict XVI, the Catholic Church has offered the Fab Four its official seal of approval, forgiving them their various excesses and even lauding them as a “precious jewel”.
I would fucking think so, it's about time! I think with all the problems THE VATICAN have, with numbers as high as 20% of all PRIESTS BEING CHILD ABUSERS, A LITTLE HUMILITY WOULDN'T GO AMMISS! BTW, why do the CATHOLIC CHURCH always think they represent all CHRISTIANS. What about the millions of CHRISTIANS WHO ARE NOT CATHOLIC.
Now the Vatican has forgiven them, wait till you see the ANTI-SMOKING LOBBY going after PAUL for having a FAG IN HIS HAND!
The Devil is lurking in the very heart of the Roman Catholic Church, the Vatican's chief exorcist claimed on Wednesday.
Father Gabriele Amorth said people who are possessed by Satan vomit shards of glass and pieces of iron. He added that the assault on Pope Benedict XVI on Christmas Eve by a mentally unstable woman and the sex abuse scandals which have engulfed the Church in the US, Ireland, Germany and other countries, were proof that the Anti-Christ was waging a war against the Holy See. "The Devil resides in the Vatican and you can see the consequences," said Father Amorth, 85, who has been the Holy See's chief exorcist for 25 years. "He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, or even appear to be sympathetic. At times he makes fun of me. But I'm a man who is happy in his work."
FUCK ME! To think the Reverend Ian Paisley has been right all along!
