FIGHTING BREAKS OUT AT THE KILMARNOCK PEDALO REGATTA

SOME OF THE PARTICIPANTS ENJOYING THE REGATTA JUST BEFORE THE TROUBLE STARTED

Thousands of spectators and revellers basked in the sun at the Kilmarnock Council, Pedalo Regatta on Saturday for one of the highlights of the social calendar.



Unfortunately later in the day trouble started which has marred the occasion.
The vast majority of people were intent on dressing up, having a picnic, and perhaps even taking in the drunk pedalo racing.  Catering had been organised by GREGGS and stalls had been set up where strong cider and BUCKFAST were on sale.  Some stalls had even organised drinking competitions and it it thought that this was where the trouble first started.  As people munched away on Gregg's mince rounds and washed their feet in the waters of the reservoir, organisers had feared that the ambiance of the regatta, which they like to describe as an "Edwardian Garden Party", was beginning to be tainted by an outbreak of yobbery on the reservoir banks.
Sadie Wright, 34, from Ardrussan who works in LIDLS, was having her hen party with 33 friends.  " I DON'T KEN WHIT HAPPENED" she slurred, "some cow said something about my tits hanging out and I sconed her on the side of the heid with a GREGG'S mutton pie and the next think I knew, there was  a fucking melee".  "Her man, who was oot his skull with yon cheap cider, BTW, tried to stick the heid in me but I kicked him in the baws first"!  "The ambiance was fucked after that".
The only signs of conflict in the Stewards' Enclosure was the traditional battle of the hemlines.
Kylie McEwan, 26, from Glasgow, who had just arrived, looked stunned as she was turned away for wearing a dress which didn't have a hemline six inches above her knee.  "Am fucking scunnert"  she shouted at the Barstewards, "ave come aw the way frae Glasgow fur this, ya bunch of wankers"!

Kilmarnock Police insisted that the day had gone as expected despite the 650 arrests and the 6 people who drowned in the PEDALO RACES.  "That wasnae a problem" we were told by Sergeant Watt, "the fuckers were all from AYR".  Oh and 27 ducks had to be treated by the RSPCA after they ate some of the GREGGS SAUSAGE ROLLS that some of the REVELLERS had been throwing at the PEDALO RACERS.

MAN BUTCHERED, EATEN AND THE REMAINS SOLD TO A KEBAB STALL!

Russian police have arrested three homeless men suspected of killing and eating a 25-year-old and selling parts of his body to a kebab and pie kiosk. The alarm was raised when bits of a corpse were found near a bus stop on the outskirts of Perm, about 720 miles east of Moscow.

A statement on the Perm police website said the three alleged cannibals had previous criminal records.  The statement said they were detained on suspicion of stabbing a man to death and then chopping him up for food.

It went on: "After carrying out the crime, the corpse was divided up.  "Part was eaten and part was also sold to a kiosk selling kebabs and pies."

The three suspects are due to appear in court on Monday.

FUCKING HELL, it makes the term WHO ATE ALL THE PIES more poignant!

MAKE MINE A DEEP FRIED MARS BAR!

TOMMY COOPER'S FACE APPEARS ON A STEAK PIE!

Comedian Tommy Cooper may have died 25 years ago but his likeness lives on - on the bottom of a steak pie.Chip shop owner Crad Jones claims he discovered the image when eating his pie and chips at his shop in Caerphilly, South Wales, which was Cooper's home town.
He said: "I was about to eat my lunch in the shop, as I normally do. I got my Peter's pie, which I always have with chips and peas, and noticed the resemblance of Tommy Cooper on the bottom of it.
"The comparison was amazing. It was definitely Tommy Cooper.
"I called my daughter over and she recognised it as Tommy Cooper too. I got the pictures because I thought no-one would believe me.(CORRECT YOU TWAT!)

I reckon the DAFT WELSH WANKER must have drunk a BOTTLE OF VODKA with his PIE and PEAS if he thinks that LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE TOMMY COOPER!

SAINSBURYS REFUSE TO SELL CHEDDAR CHEESE TO PREGNANT WOMAN!

Pregnant Janet Lehain has criticised supermarket staff who refused to sell her a block of Cheddar cheese because it was too ''dangerous''.


Ms Lehain, from Bedford, had to lie and promise she would not eat the cheese herself before the Sainsbury's deli counter worker allowed her to buy it.

FUCK ME! What next, are they going to refuse to SELL PIES TO FAT BASTARDS?