THE OLYMPIC FLAME IS ON IT'S WAY!

OLYMPIC SWIMING EVENTS CANCELLED DUE TO HOSEPEIPE BAN!

 

All Olympic water events are to be cancelled in July, due to the Hosepipe ban, Health and Safety officials from Thames Water have said.

In an astonishing case a pensioner from Tooting has brought a case to the High Court claiming that if she can't water her roses then the Olympics shouldn't be able to fill swimming pools full of water.

The Government is expected to take the case to the ECHR in Strasbourg.

HOW CAN WE SPEND £80 MILLION ON OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY?

I must be a right stupid bastard.  Here's was me thinking we were skint.  But it seems I was wrong.  The Government is spending £80 million of our money on a two hour opening ceremony at the Olympics.  It was supposed to come from sponsorship and ticket sales of course, but our Lords and Masters have decided it's worth it, so they can bask in the glory like some fucking ROMAN EMPEROR!

SHOCK AT OLYMPICS AS CANADIAN SKATER FORGETS HER KNICKERS!

There was a shock tonight in the ICE ARENA at the Vancouver Olympics when top Canadian skater, Marylee O'Connor, took to the ice for her routine not wearing a pair of panties, which she had left in the changing room.

Miss O'Connor did not realise she was not wearing her knickers until she went into her first TRIPLE SOLSKA, when the waft of wind round her ARSE alerted her to the fact.  She however managed to complete her routine, earning A WORLD RECORD POINT SCORE for artistic impression.
Unfortunately the Ice Dancing had to be discontinued after her performance as two of the elderly male judges had to be rushed to hospital with suspected heart problems.

One Old Timer and big Ice Dancing Fan, DAN FOGERTY, told our reporter, "you don't usually see the CANADIAN BEAVER until mid march, but I suppose with all the mild weather we've been experiencing...."!

SHOCK NEWS FROM VANCOUVER-ORGANISERS FIND SKATER WHO ISN'T GAY!

Organisers at the VANCOUVER OLYMPICS were shocked yesterday when American skater, JOHNNY WEIR, (pictured),  insisted that he was the only male skater at the Olympics who WASN'T GAY.

He was merely said to be 'EXPLORING HIS FEMININE SIDE'.