PEOPLE OF HAITI TO DONATE CHARITY MONEY TO KILMARNOCK

LOCAL MP, CATHY JAMIESON TOURS THE STRICKEN TOWN

President Goulache of HAITI, in a gesture of extraordinary generosity, has pledged that ALL MONEY raised by International Charities is to be donated to KILMARNOCK, after he saw the PICTURES OF DEVASTATION caused recently when the CHINESE CARRY-OUTS closed for the annual CHINESE NEW YEAR HOLIDAY.

Rampaging looters have been seen attacking CHIP SHOPS that have run out of CHINESE CURRY SAUCE for their CHIPS and the local SUPERMARKETS have been looted for ANY CHINESE FOOD.  PRAWN CRACKERS have become the local currency with DRUG DEALERS giving away free 'SMACK' with every bag.  The local WHORES have been dropping their KNICKERS for a SPRING ROLL and illicit SPECIAL FRIED RICE dens are springing up all over town.

HELPING KILLY'S single, Everybody Hurts, orchestrated by pop mogul Simon Cowell has been top of the singles charts for a second week running and famous WAG, CHERYL COLE has promised to visit the town if the POLICE can guarantee she won't be raped.  POP-PIXIE, BOB GELDORF, is said to be ready and willing to put on an AID CONCERT to rival anything seen so far. 


TOUR BUSES from the neighbouring, if more affluent town of AYR are quickly being organised by the local population and thousands of tins of DOG FOOD have been donated to THROW AT THE KILLY BASTARDS!

**IT'S THE BIG ONE**-DL PEOPLE OF THE YEAR/DECADE

• POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR- Kenny MaCaskill for not capitulating to U.S. pressure and doing the right thing in the end
• WORST POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR-Iain Gray for Labour in the Scottish Parliament for not holding the Government to account
• SUCCESS OF THE YEAR-Susan Boyle for her incredible voice
• FLOP OF THE YEAR-Tiger Woods for losing his sponsors $7,000,000,000
• SPORTSPERSON OF THE YEAR-Catriona Mathew for winning the British Open Golf so soon after giving birth
• SPORTSFLOP OF THE YEAR-Scottish Football for being shite
• NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR-Daily Telegraph for the expenses expose
• WORST NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR-The Scotsman for it's bias against the SNP
• BEST U.S. PERSONALITY-Hilary Clinton for accepting post under Obama and doing it well
• WORST U.S. PERSONALITY-Robert Mueller of the FBI for being a cheeky bastard
• SORRY THEY DIED-Keith Floyd for being a character and there are too few of them
• GLAD THEY'RE STILL DEAD-Pope John Paul for the genocide he caused in Africa from denying the people the use of condoms and thus letting AIDS spread
• **PERSON OF THE YEAR**-Joanna Lumley for her work on behalf of the Gurkhas
• **ARSEHOLE OF THE YEAR**- Michael Martin closely followed by the Bankers and some MPs

      PEOPLE OF THE DECADE

• PERSON OF THE DECADE-HM The Queen for recovering from the death of Diana and the criticism that brought and standing tall at her age. (I'm not a Royalist BTW)
• ARSEHOLE OF THE DECADE-Take your pick from Osama Bin Laden, George W Bush, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Mugabe

I've enjoyed your company since the end of March since I started writing this shite and thanks to all of you who contributed.  May I wish you and yours, A VERY HAPPY, HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR and 'Aw the best at the Bells'!