A gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting SLUG PELLETS into their curry after he was accused of SHAGGING their three-legged cat.
Gary Stewart, 37, had been at loggerheads with Marie Walton and Beverley Sales for months.
But things looked brighter when he made a peace offering of some curry, claiming he had ordered too much from the Indian takeaway.
When the women started to eat, they found the curry studded with SLUG PELLETS.
They called the police and Stewart was arrested. He was later charged with attempted murder and CAT SHAGGING which is punishable by having your GONADS circumcised with a sharp piece of PIANO WIRE under a little known 1784 Act of depraved sexual relations with domestic animals.
The Act fortunately does not cover SHEEP AND OTHER FARM ANIMAL SHAGGING which is a constant source of relief for most men North and West of Inverness.
BTW I've had some bad curries in my day, but never one with BLUE CROUTONS!
(Alright he didn't shag the cat, he just kidnapped it)
