Sunday, 20 February 2011



The D.L. news agency can exclusively reveal tonight, that plans are afoot to have a FOOTMAN, masturbate HRH Prince Charles, should he be near death.

All footmen in the employ of the Royal Family, have been issued with sperm collection bottles to be used if the Prince is about to snuff it.  The command has come from HRH, the Queen, who fears that Charle's sons, Willie and that other twat who was fathered by some polo player are unfit to take over the throne, if and when Charles ascends, provided of course the old fucker ever croaks it and that is debatable, because with modern medicine she may be kept alive until 143, meaning that she will have to send herself 144 telegrams.

In the quite likely event that Willie and Harry get eaten by some large animal, while visiting some country, to start some patently obviously, useless charity, next to where the England Rugby/Football/Hockey/Polo/Womens' Volleyball team just happens to be playing, or get the shite kicked out of them in some night club,  then the Prince's sperm will be used to create another Royal Patriach to look after the secret  family fortune which is hidden from view in various bank accounts.

The Queen's fifth cousin, David Cameron has suggested that if the Prince's sperm is not up to the job, then the Queen's nearest Royal relative, the son of Emperor Hirohito of Japan, should be invited to take up residence as the Royal family, in the time honoured custom.


banned said...

I have urgently e-mailed the Daily Mash instruction manual "The Stylish Masturbator" to

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, thanks be to Allah!

CrazyDaisy said...


He intends spreading his Bilderberger's seed! Poor man talking to flowers and having posh wanks using holes in trees usually reserved for squirrels!

See what a beer does?!


banned said...

DL mate, Defender of the Faiths mate, Defender of the Faiths.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Daisy, Yes but the only problem is it takes you about twice as long to do as you keep on hitting the wrong key.

He's wanking into trees. This is news. Tell me more.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, aye the “British” Royal Family, ostensibly of Germanic descent, whose half-witted ancestors were ridiculed and despised by all right-thinking Prussians, are closely related to and are controlled by the Ashkenazi Jewish Rothschild Dynasty.

That'll be the faiths he's defending and also the treehuggers.

Dioclese said...

This story can't be right as I have it on good authority that Camilla has castrated him.

cynicalHighlander said...

she may be kept alive until 143, meaning that she will have to send herself 144 telegrams.

mmm. Ah! you've been listening to Iain Gray

Dark Lochnagar said...

Greekers, actually I think that might have been Diana when she found out about Camilla.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Highlander, what I believe you don't know is that it is convention to send a telegram after you get to 120, on the 1st of January of the new year just in case you don't get to your birthday but enter a new year so to speak, thereby enabling her most gracious Majesty to send a telegram and damn good show, What? Hurrah, Hurrah!

I never listen to Mr Gray, but in this particular instance I got sent a e-mail from SNP HQ this afternoon, so they probably thought there was some significance,to be actually working on a Sunday.