|HRH PRINCE CHARLES CONTEMPLATES A WANK YESTERDAY|
The D.L. news agency can exclusively reveal tonight, that plans are afoot to have a FOOTMAN, masturbate HRH Prince Charles, should he be near death.
All footmen in the employ of the Royal Family, have been issued with sperm collection bottles to be used if the Prince is about to snuff it. The command has come from HRH, the Queen, who fears that Charle's sons, Willie and that other twat who was fathered by some polo player are unfit to take over the throne, if and when Charles ascends, provided of course the old fucker ever croaks it and that is debatable, because with modern medicine she may be kept alive until 143, meaning that she will have to send herself 144 telegrams.
In the quite likely event that Willie and Harry get eaten by some large animal, while visiting some country, to start some patently obviously, useless charity, next to where the England Rugby/Football/Hockey/Polo/Womens' Volleyball team just happens to be playing, or get the shite kicked out of them in some night club, then the Prince's sperm will be used to create another Royal Patriach to look after the secret family fortune which is hidden from view in various bank accounts.
The Queen's fifth cousin, David Cameron has suggested that if the Prince's sperm is not up to the job, then the Queen's nearest Royal relative, the son of Emperor Hirohito of Japan, should be invited to take up residence as the Royal family, in the time honoured custom.