The winner of this year's World Porridge Making Championships has credited his success to pure hill water and a specially designed spoon.
Neal Robertson, from the Tannochbrae Tearoom in Auchtermuchty, won the Golden Spurtle award at the event in Carrbridge in the Highlands. His Spoon, a wooden, double-backed spoon, was designed to give twice the power to mixing and beating. The annual competition was said to be the closest run in its history. Second placed Ina McPherson said, "Robertson is a cheating bastard. Imagine anyone using a double-backed spoon, Gordon Mackintosh will be 'birlin' in his grave and if he had any porridge oats in his coffin, he would win the great prize again.
Mackintosh won the first ten porridge championships, when he was famous for stirring his porridge with, 'Big Tam'. It turned out that 'Tam' was not a spoon at all, but Mr Mackintosh's huge member, which on getting a sight of some hot porridge would grow to a fucking enormous size and it was this that Mackintosh would use to stir his porridge.
Although the judges would often complain about the odd pubic hair, Mackintosh's porridge was said to be the creamiest in the Highlands.