Sunday, 4 July 2010



Thousands of spectators and revellers basked in the sun at the Kilmarnock Council, Pedalo Regatta on Saturday for one of the highlights of the social calendar.

Unfortunately later in the day trouble started which has marred the occasion.
The vast majority of people were intent on dressing up, having a picnic, and perhaps even taking in the drunk pedalo racing.  Catering had been organised by GREGGS and stalls had been set up where strong cider and BUCKFAST were on sale.  Some stalls had even organised drinking competitions and it it thought that this was where the trouble first started.  As people munched away on Gregg's mince rounds and washed their feet in the waters of the reservoir, organisers had feared that the ambiance of the regatta, which they like to describe as an "Edwardian Garden Party", was beginning to be tainted by an outbreak of yobbery on the reservoir banks.
Sadie Wright, 34, from Ardrussan who works in LIDLS, was having her hen party with 33 friends.  " I DON'T KEN WHIT HAPPENED" she slurred, "some cow said something about my tits hanging out and I sconed her on the side of the heid with a GREGG'S mutton pie and the next think I knew, there was  a fucking melee".  "Her man, who was oot his skull with yon cheap cider, BTW, tried to stick the heid in me but I kicked him in the baws first"!  "The ambiance was fucked after that".
The only signs of conflict in the Stewards' Enclosure was the traditional battle of the hemlines.
Kylie McEwan, 26, from Glasgow, who had just arrived, looked stunned as she was turned away for wearing a dress which didn't have a hemline six inches above her knee.  "Am fucking scunnert"  she shouted at the Barstewards, "ave come aw the way frae Glasgow fur this, ya bunch of wankers"!

Kilmarnock Police insisted that the day had gone as expected despite the 650 arrests and the 6 people who drowned in the PEDALO RACES.  "That wasnae a problem" we were told by Sergeant Watt, "the fuckers were all from AYR".  Oh and 27 ducks had to be treated by the RSPCA after they ate some of the GREGGS SAUSAGE ROLLS that some of the REVELLERS had been throwing at the PEDALO RACERS.


Dioclese said...

What fun you have in Scotland. I think we should introduce this at Henley.

Sophia Pangloss said...

Whit fun ye hae in Kilmarnock. Ah'm thinkin we should dae this in Embra.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Dioclese, cheap cider and scotch mutton pies may be the very thing to put a bit of sparkle in Henley. Shall I send a few debutantes down next year?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Sophes, no, no this is no sophisticated enough for the Capital. You stick to your pipers and that in Edinbra, there much more your thing. They tell me they've invited a South African vuvuzela band to the tattoo this year.

Key bored warrior. said...

"They tell me they've invited a South African vuvuzela band to the tattoo this year."

Iain Gray has been invited to conduct it.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Keybo, him and that wee speccy fucker that sits behind him with no teeth could stick one in their arseholes and give us 'That Old Dixie Lullaby', much loved by the black and white Minstrels who are no longer PC in this land of humour bypass victims in the Scottish Labour Party. The Bastards!