Tuesday, 23 March 2010


As the election draws nearer, I thought it time that I tell you about my darling husband, Dark.

We met all those years ago in BERTIE'S FISH AND CHIP SHOP.  I a fish-fryer and he a struggling blog student.  As our eyes met across the range, I heard myself say, "do you want a pickled onion with that"?  Since then it's been one crazy time together.  He's not the tidiest of men.  Sometimes I have to put his dirty shirt in the wash basket and he won't touch his own knickers if they've got skidmarks, but I know he's so busy blogging away that sometimes they get that way when he's sitting on his big, fat arse all day.

But we share the chores.  Sometimes he lets me lie on the couch and fart, while he does the ironing!  But not too often!  Last week he nearly cleaned the toilet.  After all it was his mother who made the mess of it, but as he rightly pointed out, I had invited her to stay.

We've been trying for a baby.  He feels it's important for his public persona, particularly since RANTIN' RAB'S wife, FAB-RAB had a baby a few months ago.  Maybe if he hadn't been shagging that slut at the office!  Oops, sorry!  We're putting that behind us for the good of the children.  When we have some.

Anyway, Bi for now and I'll speak to you later in the campaign.  KYLIE LOCHNAGAR XXX


Tiger said...

Go easy on him Kylie. He's got a dodgy ticker.
Give me a shout if you want a bit of black.

Kylie Lochnagar said...

Tiger. Thanks for the offer, but I've had a bit of black. My first boyfriend was a coalminer in Fife and to be perfectly honest with you, I found the coal dust scratched the inside of my fanny.

Down in the Smoke said...

I do wish you would keep your personal relationship issues to yourself.


Kylie Lochnagar said...

Smoky, I think that could be my Aunt Bella and Uncle Roy. In saying that I haven't seen them for a while. Not since Uncle Roy tanned Daddy's Wine cellar that time he was looking after the house for a week. I seem to remember that some of Mumsy's jewels went missing too.

banned said...

KYLIE, you are clearly too good for that Dark chappie who does not deserve you. Should you feel the need for a bit of hot Anglo ponce action, you know where to call.


Kylie Lochnagar said...

Banned, No, No laddie. Once you've had a Scotsman you know what a real ride is!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kylie,

Your life with Dark sounds absolutely idyllic. It really warms my heart to hear of two people so much in love.

In fact you have encouaged me to consider going straight.

All right condidered it.


Thanks anyway.


ps Your typing looks remarkably like Dark's. I suppose that sort of thing happens after you have lived together for a long time.

Kylie Lochnagar said...

Mr Rab, Going straight to where? Oh, I see. Are you gay? Well I'll let you into a secret. If I was a man I'd be gay too. I'd love all that canoodling with all those hunky men. My husband always says if he was a woman he's be a lesbian. He loves all that soft fleshy stuff. Still we can't all be the same can we?

High and dry said...

My husband also has a problem with soft fleshy stuff.
Unfortunately it's his.

Dark Lochnagar said...

High and Dry, have you thought that it might not be so soft when he's at the office. Just musing!

Shades Of Ansel said...

Mrs DL,has Dark started back-scuttlin' yer yet and let it slip up the shitter instead of where it SHOULD be?If this is the case,he's probably a just a confused lesbian.Good luck.

Kylie Lochnagar said...

Mr Ansel, no not at all. I trained my fanny muscles when I was young, so it's tight yet slidey! The receptacle that you mention is only for doing no.2s in our family, you dirty bugger!