Saturday, 6 February 2010

NICKED KNICKER NICKING MASTERBATING MAYOR INCARCERATED



A mayor who got his ''sexual kicks'' by sneaking into bedrooms to steal women's underwear AND WANKING in the underwear drawers has been jailed for two years after he was caught out by a secret camera.  Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire.

Stafford was a trusted odd job man who worked for several OAPs.  One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts of her dirty knickers planted hidden cameras - which captured one episode of Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waist down with a pair of 'crusty' knickers over his head wanking furiously into her underwear drawer.  Stafford,  who resigned as mayor after being arrested, was jailed for two years after pleading guilty at an earlier hearing to three counts of burglary with exaggerated masturbation.

After hobbling into court using a walking stick, past his victims in the public gallery, his jaw dropped as he was sent down by Judge Heather Lloyd, who told him his actions were ''bluntly revolting''.  ''Your private desires or fantasies should only be your concern", she told him, ''To masturbate into a woman's underwear and place it back in the drawer, repeatedly, as seen in the DVD, was fucking disgusting.  I am determined to stop this wanking.  Only this morning I was telling my teenage son........".

15 comments:

subrosa said...

Help me out here DL, what's exaggerated masturbation? (Must keep up with the trends!).

I had to stop reading because I couldn't stop my hysteria after ' After hobbling into court using a walking stick...'.

Shades Of Ansel said...

Fucking hell.He looks like an alien.Ever likely he wanted to wank in knickers.He looks like he got left behind from the last ship.Must have been trying to phone home?..and of course he would be a church-goer and a highly respected member of the community.So was Harold Shipman.

Shades Of Ansel said...

knowing the British Prison service tho,he'll be provided with a hands-free wanking machine and a DVD of Driving Miss Daisy to watch in his cell.

HeadsonPoles said...

Hahahahaha - that is all.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Rosie, I know that you are a person who likes to keep a breast of things, so to speak. Exaggerated masterbation is when you do it with two hands at once. I have never been able to handle that, if you know what I mean, because unfortunately for me but probably fortunately for my wife, my appendage is not large enough to require exaggerated handling.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Ansel, as soon as I saw the wanker I just about fell off my chair. I mean would you trust him with your cat never mind giving him the keys to your house?

Dark Lochnagar said...

Ansel 2, yes probably his cellmate will let him wank into his clean underwear!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Headson- it's a cracking story! One of my favourites although it won't suit some of my more sophisticated readers.

Stout Heart said...

DL, I presume you were trying to flattering me when you write about your “more sophisticated readers” and I am gratified that you Scottish Johnnies recognise style when you see it but to the point: -
I don’t think this story could ever have taken place in Scotland because when ever I’ve played old hunt the sausage with one of the young Morgags in your neck of the woods they are all au naturelle in the underpant department.

I presume this is an economic issue because it must lead to icicles on the curly wurlies at any time other than August but it is quite sexy on the grouse moor.

Well I’m off for a roast partridge now, they’re delicious at this time of year then Reggie and his frightening missus is going back to London so I will be able to read the Mail on Sunday in peace in front of the fire.

Pip pip and enjoy the gruel or whatever it is you N Brits like Culthulan eat on a Sunday.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Stouters, actually I had Cuthulan in mind when I spoke of my more sophisticated readers. What made you think I was talking about you? Christ man, is one deranged?

Ah! The young knickerless lassies. How I use to love coming down the hillside when the fog rolled in and the English Redcoats couldn't see me to hide the sausage in young Morag's moist hairy twat. Those were the days. Now , I can't even climb the hill to get back down and if you put your sausage which is now a chipalato anywhere near big fat Morag's pleasure tunnel, you'd get it to play with, (so to speak).

Anyway I hope you have remembered to defrost your partridge properly after taking it out the freezer, because as us real toffs know, game birds are out of season at the moment, but one may have caught a salmon instaead, what? I'm just away for a plate of Morag's Kedgeree.

aka Grappin said...

You are a great Scots nit; the partridge season ended on 1st February (as it always does); then the bird is left to hang.

I gues if you shoot them in North Britain they are already frozen when they land - that maybe why you are confused.

I think you should stick tae fush n chups - more in line with your staion I think; leave the more complex tatstes to those that can appreciate them.

Now you've spoilt my snooze - harumph

Stout Heart said...

Oh dear DL - Grappin has said it for me.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Grappins, my apologies. I must have been mistaking a Partridge, an English bird for one from my own native heath ie. the Grouse or maybe it was a Haggis. Fucked if I can remember, I'm too pished with these Burns Suppers. p.s. a Fish and Chip hasn't passed my lips for years. I am a healthy twat and my body is a temple. I know, I know, the Taj Mihal. I've heard it!

Dark Lochnagar said...

Stouters, you better sharpen up your act. There's a new gunslinger in town called aka Grappin and as you might have noticed he is quite able to give me the usual upper class kicking without the racial overtones. So come on now, let's be having you!

Anonymous said...

agree :bd