Friday, 25 September 2009

LABOUR TO TAX TOILET PAPER (FOR ENVIRONMENTAL REASONS)


The government has today announced it's White Paper into the taxing of SHITE PAPER. The Department of the Environment sponsored Bill, The Tolley Paper Tax and Ancillary Nose Blowing Paper Act, 1909 with guidance from H.M. Treasury is hoped to become law within this Parliamentary Session.
Her Majesties Government is concerned that too much toilet paper is being used, over and above the statutory double sheet and this is damaging the environment and leading to GLOBAL WARMING.
Henceforth a tax of 50p per standard 120 sheet roll will be levied to stop excess SHITE ROLL damaging our rivers and sewage works, (ANY EXCUSE FOR A RIP-OFF TAX)!
All of those with FUCKING BIG FAT ARSES who are now normally using, three or even four sheets will have to go on a diet to save money on CRUD CLEANER, thereby leaving more grub for the rest of the population who are SKINNY BASTARDS.
MPs and BANKERS will as usual be exempt from paying the new tax as HM Government don't want to endanger the fragile recovery.
Anyone found to be WIPING THEIR ARSE with OLD NEWSPAPER or KITCHEN ROLL will be liable for a on the spot fine not exceeding £1000. SHITE WARDENS and SNIFFER DOGS are in the process of undergoing arsehole newsprint training as we speak!

7 comments:

INCOMING!!!!!!! said...

DL your on the money there. Each sheet has it's own wee RFID tag and they can spot over zealous use of the shitsheets from space. Then they send a signal down and the bogroll dispenser bursts into flames before your eyes. ;-)

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Consistant as always DL. Another shite post!!!

Gigits said...

Asswipes bring in new Asswipe Tax. It'll happen, you mark my words.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Thank you guys for your usual analytical observations. Reminds me of the old joke of British Rail doing a shite paper survey as they were using too much so they numbered the sheets. the inspector is waiting on the train for the first guy to come out the loo and he rushes in to inspect the numbered toilet roll sheets and sees it's at no. 5, so he used four sheets. Next guy goes in and he is right in behind him and he's used 6 sheets. The next inhabitant is a big fat woman and after she is in he dives in and the emply toilet roll os spinning on the spindle. He rushes after her shouting, "here that's fucking terrible you used nearly a whole roll"! She replies, "weel son, I cannae get my right hand round and I cannae get my left hand round, so I just swing my leg over it and pull until I get to a clean bit! (told you it was an old one)!

Barking Spider said...

It's not beyond the realms of possibility witl Labour and the EU, DL - funny shite!

Stout Heart said...

It won't be long before a lot of those Labour idiots are buying their own sanitary products again; serve them right, interfering, thieving idiots.

The way we are going the Bank of England will be printing the lavatory paper soon enough anyway or maybe they are trying to turn us Muslim – if they do DL, please just try to remember which hand to use after a few down “Tam O’Shanter’s Inn” otherwise the keys on your laptop will never be the same again.

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