The government has today announced it's White Paper into the taxing of SHITE PAPER. The Department of the Environment sponsored Bill, The Tolley Paper Tax and Ancillary Nose Blowing Paper Act, 1909 with guidance from H.M. Treasury is hoped to become law within this Parliamentary Session.
Her Majesties Government is concerned that too much toilet paper is being used, over and above the statutory double sheet and this is damaging the environment and leading to GLOBAL WARMING.
Henceforth a tax of 50p per standard 120 sheet roll will be levied to stop excess SHITE ROLL damaging our rivers and sewage works, (ANY EXCUSE FOR A RIP-OFF TAX)!
All of those with FUCKING BIG FAT ARSES who are now normally using, three or even four sheets will have to go on a diet to save money on CRUD CLEANER, thereby leaving more grub for the rest of the population who are SKINNY BASTARDS.
MPs and BANKERS will as usual be exempt from paying the new tax as HM Government don't want to endanger the fragile recovery.
Anyone found to be WIPING THEIR ARSE with OLD NEWSPAPER or KITCHEN ROLL will be liable for a on the spot fine not exceeding £1000. SHITE WARDENS and SNIFFER DOGS are in the process of undergoing arsehole newsprint training as we speak!