TORY MP SEEN IN B&Q!

The right honourable DOUGLAS HOGG QC MP for Sleaford (maj 12,456), was last night seen in his local branch of B&Q!

HOGGY, as he now likes to be called, told our reporter,

"Yes, since this bally EXPENSES THINGY, we've had to do away with our cleaner person." "Damn shame as she's been in the family for nearly 60 years". "I've brought one of my footmen in here to buy some kit, don't you know".

""I'm told this is the place to buy some of those lightbulby thingies, and they even have brochures which tell you how to change them. "Also looking for some chemicals to clean the bally SWIMMING POOL, full of leafies from last year". "I might even get some HORSE MANURE bags".

"OH I SAY, there's a chappy over there in a painter's uniform". "Saw that when they touched up the FRESCOS in the DRAWING ROOM last autumn". "They surely don't expect me to queue up with the HOI-PALLOI". " There must be a checkout for QCs and professional people so that these tradesmen don't have to smell us"! "What"!

One of Hoggy's constituents said, " he's a thieving, speccy BASTARD, I'd hang the FUCKING ARSEHOLE FROM THE NEAREST LAMPOST". "I can't wait until we get a LABOUR GOVERNMENT IN TO GET RID OF THESE BASTARDS"!