Further to our EXCLUSIVE last night about GEORGE, THE LORD FOULKES OF CUMNOCKER'S legs seen in a GAY SAUNA BAR in EDINBURGH, his Lordship has made the following statement.
After extensive discussions and soul searching with my immediate family, I can state for the record that the legs pictured were not mine. Mine are old, wrinkly, fat and have varicose veins. My TORSO was however in the GAY SAUNA BAR named, although my legs were not.
HOW THE FUCK, my torso got there without my legs, I have no idea, but it has been suggested to me that it might have been carried there by IAIN GRAY. I however left my BOLLOCKS with my legs in a bar in Rose Street.
I deny at any time performing the sex acts on Mr GRAY of CHOKING THE CHICKEN or as we say down here in the Land o' Burns, SPANKING THE MONKEY. I may however been at one time examining in a drunken stupor his FUCKING BIG PURPLE BELL-END.
I totally refute the allegation that I am gay and to this end I have released a picture , (as seen-Ed), of me with a couple of old slappers who I have been SHAGGING ON A REGULAR BASIS, for years.
My wife of 40 years is very understanding and for the sake of the children she has agreed to forgive me. She also wants to know if she can have a LESBIAN THREESOME with the OLD SLAPPERS, whilst I watch and "PU MY PUDDIN", which is another saying we have down here.
The four of us hope we can put this behind us and concentrate on family life and FIDDLING EXPENSES.