Sunday 6 June 2010

POLITICS EXPLAINED

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.  And

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take bagpipe lessons.

8 comments:

Conan the Librarian™ said...

SNP: Take the Scots cows out of the British herd and keep the milk.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Conan, as long as we don't give it to Europe!

Down in the smoke said...

Too late DL. We're way down the lane of the "third way" in which you exchange the cows for magic beans, or the EU, as it's more popularly known.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Smokers, but you also get some seeds which you can sow and a huge tree will appear in the morning and you can climb up it if your arthritis isn't too bad and there at the top will be a fairy Prince/Princess depending on your preference and they will give you a big kiss and you will wake up a wealthy man. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

muddypaws said...

you buy 2 cows. you feed them hamburgers. you wait till they stagger about with with mad cow disease, then get a vet to put them down and the army to bury them.
claim government compensation.
buy 2 more cows, wait till they cough, get a vet to put them down and get the army to shoot some badgers. claim government compensation.
buy 2 more cows......etc etc

Dark Lochnagar said...

Mudders, welcome to the blog. Surely the army should be shooting insurgents rather than cows. Can that Vet not do it at the same time and save money all round?

banned said...

Only one natural response to all of those options. Put your cows on a ferry and fuck off to Spain with them.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Banned, I was just talking to the wife about that when her parents kick the bucket. Why would you want to live here. It's nearly midsummer's day and we've had about 5 days of decent weather where you could sit out. Although I am well tanned, it's because I have got a leather skin which takes the sun quickly. It's pishing of rain today and I'M GETTING DEPRESSED!