PERSONAL RESEARCH ON YOUR BEHALF ON NHS SCOTLAND

Don't say you don't get value for money on this blog.  As you read this I will be in Ayr NHS Hospital for an operation tomorrow, Tuesday. 

My new best friend, my POLISH, FEMALE ANETHISTIST tells me that due to my dickie heart, I have a 50/50 chance of a HEART ATTACK, STROKE OR DYING due to having to have a full anesthetic.  Cheery fuckers, the POLES!  Anyway while I am in, (for about a week), I will be keeping in touch by TWITTER on DarkLochnagar and my research on your behalf into the NHS in Scotland will be extensive!  Expect daily reports!

C'MON THE BULL!

One of Spain's top matadors has been seriously injured in Mexico when a 1,100-pound bull gored him in the BOLLOCKS and hoisted him into the air, causing major blood loss.
Jose Tomas received a transfusion of 17 pints of blood after being gored Saturday by a beast named Navegante in the Mexican city of Aguascalientes.

Which reminds me of the times I used to go to Madrid on business.  My business partner used to take me to a restaurant called 'Los Heuvos de los Toros'.  The speciality of the house was BULLS' BALLS fresh from the PLAZA DE TOROS that day, well from the ones that had died anyway.  These things were about the size of  a TENNIS BALL and were fucking delicious, stewed in an onion gravy.

Anyway I arrived in Madrid late one Sunday night and not having eaten I went straight to the restaurant.  There I told the waiter to bring me the BULLS' BALLS, as I was quite fluent in Spanish at the time.  About 20 minutes later he arrived with a silver platter with the balls, but they were only the size of MARBLES.

I called over the Head Waiter to express my disgust at the size of them, only to be told, "Ah but Senor, ze Matador, he does not always win"!

WHY I'M A NAT!

SNP LAUNCH BID TO BAN BBC LEADERS' DEBATE IN SCOTLAND IN THE INTERESTS OF FAIRNESS

THE SNP will go to court this week in an extraordinary legal move to block the third crucial party leaders' debate being shown on TV in Scotland if the BBC does not give it a podium place. The First Minister says the BBC must either include an SNP politician on Thursday's debate or organise a fourth debate with the Nationalist voice heard.
Alex Salmond said last night: "The decision by the BBC, who are meant to be Scotland's national broadcaster, paid for by our licence fees, not to have the country's political make-up properly represented next Thursday is a democratic disgrace".
He added: "Elections, to be democratic, have to be fair.   We want Thursday's BBC debate to go ahead, but we also want Scottish viewers to be given a fair picture of the choices on offer to them at the ballot box on May 6th. And in Scotland that picture includes the SNP."

Should you wish to help to contribute towards the £50,000 cost please go to www.snp.org/donate .

A GUIDE FOR SCOTTISH 'FEARTIES' OR UNIONISTS AS THEY ARE SOMETIMES CALLED

h/t Joan McAlpine

COMING SOON TO A COUNCIL NEAR YOU- THE NINE (9) BIN RECYCLING SYSTEM!

Families are being forced to separate their rubbish into nine different bins in order to meet tough recycling targets.
Households have been told to separate cardboard from paper, and plastic bottles from glass, tins and aerosols.  The new bin system by Newcastle-under-Lyme Council, includes a silver slop bucket for food waste, which is then emptied into a larger, green outdoor bin.  There is a pink bag for plastic bottles, a blue box for glass, foil, tins and aerosols, a green bag for cardboard and blue bags for paper and magazines.  Clothing and textiles go in a white bag, garden waste in a wheelie bin with a brown lid and non-recyclable waste in a separate grey wheelie bin.
If successful, the scheme is likely to be adopted by councils up and down the country.

Note to any councillors in SOUTH AYRSHIRE COUNCIL who may be reading this.  Don't bother YOUR ARSE EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT!

DRAMA UNFOLDS AS MAN WITH NEW FACE HAS HIS FIRST SHAVE!

A man who underwent the world’s first full facial transplant has had his first shave in five years, the surgeon who operated on him said.  Unfortunately, when he realised he had been given the face of Gordon Brown, he shaved the fucking thing off! 

CLEGG CATCHES PEANUTS ON NEW PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST!

SHOESMITH LOSES APPEAL OVER BABY P DISMISSAL

Sharon Shoesmith has lost her High Court battle against her dismissal following the death of Baby P.

The former director of children’s services in Haringey was fired over the scandal. The toddler suffered 50 injuries inflicted by his mother, her boyfriend and a lodger over eight months and died despite 60 visits from social workers, health visitors and police officers.
Ms Shoesmith was sacked from her £130,000 a year job by Ed Balls, the Children's Secretary, in December 2008 after inspectors delivered a damning report into Haringey children’s services.  She had sought a judicial review of the decision to sack her on the grounds that it had been unfair.

I would think so too.  THE BASTARD IS LUCKY SHE'S NOT IN JAIL!

BROWN RUMBLED-HE'S LYING ON HIS OWN CONSTITUENCY LITERATURE!

EXCLUSIVE-FIRST PICS OF TORY PRESCOTT LUNGER-RIGHT BODY SHAME ABOUT THE MASK!

SENIOR LABOUR POLITICIANS STICK UP FOR CLEGG IN ATTEMPT TO STAY IN POWER!

Senior Labour politicians have sought to defend Nick Clegg amid increasing signs that the party has accepted it can stay in office only with the support of the Liberal Democrats. 
In an unprecedented show of support for a rival leader, Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary, and David Miliband, the Foreign Secretary, attempted to shield Mr Clegg from the increased scrutiny which has followed his sudden popularity.
Although Labour are trailing in third place in most opinion polls, the way the parties’ votes are distributed means that a strong showing for the Liberal Democrats could allow SHITEBAG Brown to stay in No 10.

If you are thinking about voting Lib Dem, can I urge you not to.  In Scotland we had a coalition between LABOUR and the LIBDEMS in the Scottish Parliament and the Lib Dems were squashed by Labour and given a few paltry posts in Government.  The same thing will happen in WESTMINSTER.

If you're in SCOTLAND please vote SNP to keep Labour out and in ENGLAND please vote for the TORIES or UKIP where they strong, (Bercow's seat!).  DON'T LET FUCKING LABOUR BACK IN BY THE BACK DOOR! 

LIBDEM LEADER IN ASTONISHING NAZI SLUR ON BRITAIN

Nick Clegg has claimed that the British people have ‘a more insidious cross to bear’ than Germany over the Second World War.

In an astonishing attack on our national pride, the Liberal Democrat leader said we suffered from ‘delusions of grandeur’ and a ‘misplaced sense of superiority’ over having defeated the horrors of Nazism.

Well Mr Clegg, I'm old enough to have had a father who fought bravely against the NAZI HORDES and saw many men die in battle beside him.  The Battlefields of the World are littered with brave men who fought and died against your GERMAN FRIENDS and believe me when I tell you that all over Britain tonight, people are seeing the LIBDEMS in a different light, as the APPEASERS OF TYRRANY.  You Sir, are nothing but a POPINJAY!
 The HUN may come again, but know one thing, when Dark Lochnagar is dragged before the FIRING SQUAD, at least I'll know I died a SCOTTISH PATRIOT and not a STINKING LIBDEM! 

HIS NOBLE LORD ADONIS ADMITS, "WE GOT FLIGHT BAN WRONG"

NOTE TO STRANDED PASSENGERS-THIS IS FUCKING BRITAIN WE LIVE IN, AN ISLAND 10 MILES OFF FRANCE.  IT'S NOT ON THE MOON.  GET A TRAIN OR A BUS!

The Transport Secretary has today admitted the government was 'too cautious' in imposing a blanket six-day ban on flights from British airports.

The admission will further enrage tens of thousands of passengers who are continuing to face delays despite the reopening of all British airports after they were shut by the volcanic ash cloud.
Lord Adonis, another unelected moron, said 'we  think it's fair to say that we have been too cautious. "We" being the international safety regulators.' Yeh, like the "GLOBAL" RECESSION!

This whole affair has been handled badly.  If ANYTHING, IT SHOWS why we have to be rid of this BUNCH OF CACK-HANDED IDIOTS, then the VOLCANIC ASH FIASCO IS IT!

In a totally separate move, EASYJET passengers are considering suing the Government for starting the flights again.

LATEST POLL OF POLLS-SNP UP EIGHT PERCENT!

The latest polls have shown a rise in support for the SNP of eight percent from the 2005 General Election.

SNP Depute Leader Nicola Sturgeon said:
 "This is a very strong showing from the SNP as the only party to gain  ground in Scotland from the last Westminster election. SNP support is up 8  points as all the London parties see their vote fall.  "Voters are turning away from the 2 main UK parties and choosing a positive alternative - in Scotland this poll demonstrates that alternative  is the SNP.
 "While the Lib Dem's may fool voters in England that support is not being  replicated in Scotland because people have a more credible and attractive alternative to the failed Westminster parties.
 "Despite their high profile in the TV debates Labour, the Lib Dems and the  Tories are down on the 2005 election as Scottish voters turn against the  Westminster machine and in favour of local and national champions.

 We will show that in a balanced Parliament it is only a vote for the SNP that will put Scotland's interests on the Westminster agenda."

A WEE ADULT FAIRYTALE!

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;

'Vote for GORDON BROWN! Vote for GORDON BROWN!'

Snow White fell to her knees, praying, 'Thank fuck! At least Dopey is still alive....!'

VOTE FOR A LOCAL CHAMPION TO CHAMPION SCOTLAND!

The SNP today launched their manifesto with the theme of, 'ELECT A LOCAL CHAMPION FOR SCOTLAND'.

With the prospects of a hung Parliament now becoming probable rather than possible, a large tranche of SNP CHAMPIONS, WHO WILL FIGHT FOR SCOTLAND, would be a huge advantage for the country, rather than the 'FEEBLE Labour fifty', we had in the Thatcher years.

Mr Salmond said: "Running through this manifesto is the SNP vision of a new future for Scotland. A Scotland that is independent, socially just and economically secure.  "The real alternative to the discredited Westminster system is a fresh, independent future for our nation. And our MPs will work to make sure the people of Scotland can choose this future in a referendum.  "Our nation deserves more than a decade of dismal cuts - a decade of wasted opportunities and lost hope. 
"A window of opportunity is emerging for Scotland. And it is an opportunity our nation can seize by voting for more than just a politician."

DAVID MILIBAND TALKS SHITE ABOUT IRAQ-WAS HE JUST NOT TOLD?

BRAVE BRITISH SOLDIERS ARE SLAUGHTERED IN IRAQ

'Banana boy', David Miliband stated yesterday in contradiction to BLIAR that Britain would not have invaded IRAQ if we had known that SADDAM did not have any WMD.  His fucking arse!

We have to presume then that Miliband was not told the real reason we invaded, THE PETRODOLLAR.  Saddam was selling his oil in EUROS which was contrary to the USA's interests as every country in the world who wanted to buy OIL had to pay in DOLLARS, which the USA prints to order, even today, enabling them to run a huge trade deficit which is financed by printing money.  The whole system is going to collapse very soon.  Get you money into metal not, paper gold as quick as you can.  The Petrodollar scam is explained better than I can do in the link above.

MAN BANNED FOR DRUNK DRIVING WHILST DRIVING 4MPH KIDS BARBIE CAR!

A father-of-four has been banned from driving for three years after getting behind the wheel of a toy car when drunk.  Paul Hutton, 40, was over the legal alcohol limit when he climbed into the seat of a 4ft by 2ft electric Barbie car, which has a top speed of just 4mph. 
On the day of his arrest, he said he jumped into the 4ft by 2ft electric car to drive it to his friend's house.
  The mini-jeep, which he could only drive with his knees tucked up under his chin, runs on 12-volt batteries and goes slower than a mobility scooter. Hutton was breathalysed by police and found to be over the drink-drive limit.
He was given a mandatory three-year ban because he had received another drink-drive ban within the past ten years.

Fuck me!  It's no wonder people in other countries laugh at us.  How can you possibly ban someone from driving for three years for driving a toy car?  We have to GET THIS COUNTRY SORTED OUT AND SHARPISH!

ZIMBABWE- THE BASKET OF AFRICA TO BASKET CASE

CHILD CADETS CELEBRATE WITH GUNS ON ZIMBABWE'S ANNIVERSARY

ZIMBABWE, a country that's gone from supplying most of Africa with food to a bankrupt, corrupt BASKET CASE OF A COUNTRY.  I wonder if they had OIL if the country would have been allowed to fall into this state.  I'm all for independence.  I want it for my own country!  But, why do we allow BASTARDS like Mugabe to crush and kill any opposition like some sixteenth century DESPOT?  How many countries are better now than when they were ruled by the 'white man'.  Not too many I would bet and that's not a racially prejudiced comment, just a fact of life.

My Aunt lived and died in ZIMBABWE for 40 odd years.  Thank Christ, she died 25 years ago. I wouldn't have wanted her to see the state of the country and people that she loved.  She must be 'BIRLIN' IN HER GRAVE!

WOULD A HUNG PARLIAMENT BE A BAD THING?

The big two parties and the Tories in particular are busy spinning against a HUNG U.K. PARLIAMENT.

But would that be such a bad thing?  I don't think so.

This country is in the shite.  The NULABOUR EXPERIMENT has failed.  We are bankrupt.  It has not hurt the Scottish Parliament having a minority Government, although it has stopped the SNP from bringing forward some of their manifesto pledges.  For too long in the U.K., the minority parties which have a more than substantial vote have been sidelined, meaning that some of the most talented politicians have not been in power.  Why should the LIBDEMS have a bigger share of the vote than LABOUR and only get a third of the seats?

Perhaps it is time, in these days of unprecedented economic problems that the most talented and least crooked politicians came to the fore, regardless of WHAT PARTY THEY ARE A MEMBER OF.  Maybe then we could have MPs voting with their brains and knowledge rather than how they are told by party whips.

FASHION FEATURE-CHUNKY THIGHS ARE IN!

Skinny models are OUT!  CHUNKY THIGHS are in. Mrs D.L. will be pleased!                                             

JUG-EARS MURPHY AIRBRUSHED PHOTO TO 'MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER'!

THE AIRBRUSHED PHOTO OF MURPHY AT THE RALLY

MURPHY'S PHOTO AS HE REALLY IS!

Gordon Brown's attacks on David Cameron for ‘airbrushing’ his Election posters backfired last night after it was revealed that a Cabinet Minister’s picture had been digitally enhanced to make him look more attractive!
Ex-Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy distributed a leaflet to voters in his East Renfrewshire constituency showing him – looking suspiciously bright-faced and disembodied – standing with students at an anti-BNP event.
Last night, a spokesman for Mr Murphy admitted that  the former Scottish Secretary had ordered the picture to be ‘improved’ to spruce up his looks.

Hee, Hee!  This JUG-EARED BASTARD is SO UGLY, that when he was born the MIDWIFE SLAPPED HIS MOTHER!  His parents used to WRAP HIS SCHOOL SANDWICHES IN A ROAD MAP!  He came home from School once and the REST OF THE FAMILY HAD MOVED!  His wife and kids HIDE WHEN HE COMES IN THE HOUSE!  Gordon Brown keeps him in a CAGE IN THE BACK OF THE CABINET ROOM!  All the mirrors in his house are COVERED UP IN CASE HE LOOKS IN THEM! 

AIRBRUSHING HIS PHOTOS, THE VAIN WANKER!

A TALE OF TWO CITIES!

One of these photos is taken in LAHORE, PAKISTAN a Muslim country and the other is taken in DEWSBURY, YORKSHIRE.  Guess which is which?

h/t don't call me dave

'SKULLMAN' JIM MURPHY IN HEROIC DEED!

FROM THE 'SCOTSMAN'

JIM MURPHY RECOUNTS HIS HEROIC DEED!

SCOTTISH Secretary Jim Murphy came to the aid of a woman who had fallen on the road in his East Renfrewshire constituency.
He said: "I was shocked to see this lady stumble and fall into the Ayr Road in Newton Mearns. It's a busy road, so I didn't think twice about jumping in to stop the cars and pick her up. She was in real pain and covered in blood – I think with a facial injury. I hope she makes a full recovery."

PASS THE FUCKING SICK BAG!  PRICK.  I WISH TO FUCK I'D HAVE BEEN DRIVING THE CAR THAT HE STOPPED!

h/t bugger the panda

'HONKERS' CASE DISMISSED AS OFFICE BANTER

City bosses who referred to a female banker's breasts as “honkers” and said that women “belong at home cleaning floors” were today cleared of discrimination.
Maureen Murphy, 30, and Anna Francis, 37, lost their £3 million tribunal claim after a series of remarks were deemed “trivial” rather than offensive. They said they were forced out of their jobs by sexist and racist Japanese bosses at bank Nomura.

Quite right too.  Who has not worked in an office where sexual remarks and jokes weren't part of the office banter.  £3 million quid.  THEIR HONKERS ARE NOT THAT FUCKING BIG!

SALMOND TARGETS ENGLAND WITH ASH IN REVENGE FOR LEADERS' DEBATE!

After consultation today in Edinburgh, FIRST MINISTER, ALEX SALMOND, has ordered all WINDFARMS in Scotland to blow the VOLCANIC ASH which currently sits over Scotland TOWARDS ENGLAND!

"It's essential that we get our Airports and infrastructures back on line as quickly as possible and anyway blowing the ash towards ENGLAND will teach the bastards for not letting me take part in the LEADERS' DEBATE last night to give the SCOTTISH VIEWPOINT" he told D.L. this morning.
IAIN GRAYMAN, the Scottish labour leader has protested stating, "this is typical of the Scottish Government picking fights with my GAFFER.  The SAVIOUR OF THE WORLD won't now be able to fly home to support Labour candidates the length and breadth of Scotland in their campaigns, (to their GREAT RELIEF).

D.L.'s POLL OF POLLS-IT'S DICK GREGG AND THE LIBTHINGIES!

Now I know that most of you Desperados who read this SHITE, think I just make it up, but tonight after extensive research, well I read THE MAIL, I can give you the poll of polls on the leadership debate.

Despite the fact that the SNP, who are the SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT were not represented, the THREE STOOGES POLLED THUS:  Dick Gregg  53%,  Dave Cameron  27% and the SHITEBAG BROON  20%.  Does this mean we have to take the LIBTHINGIES more seriously?  I don't know.  But I'll tell you one thing.  DAVEBOY better get his FUCKING ACT TOGETHER OR WE'RE HEADING FOR A HUNG PARLIAMENT.  Which would suit me, particularly if the SNP get into double figures.

HAVE WE COMPLETELY LOST THE PLOT IN THIS COUNTRY?

A DISABLED CARAVANNER has been fined £40 and given a criminal record for having a SWISS ARMY KNIFE IN HIS CAR!

Full time carer Rodney Knowles kept the knife in his glove compartment of his vehicle.
The 61-year-old, who walks with the aid of a stick, was stopped by police on suspicion of drink driving - he was below the legal limit - but officers found the knife in a pouch in the car's glove box.
The retired maintenance engineer, who has no previous convictions, said: "It was in my glove box in a pouch, along with a torch, first aid kit and waterproofs.  I USED IT TO CUT UP FRUIT ON PICNICS".

Have we really reached the stage in this country, where a pensioner is done for having a Swiss Army Knife in his Car?  What did the THICK POLICE BASTARDS think he was going to do with it?  Become a mass murderer?  Slash some world famous paintings?  Attack the Italian Army?  Become a Terrorist?  FUCK ME!  It's no wonder some of us despair sometimes!

UKIPPER CANDIDATE RESIGNS AFTER CALLING QUEEN A 'GERMAN BITCH'

THE OFFENDING UKIPPER IS 2ND FROM THE RIGHT AND LOOKS A RIGHT WANKER!

A UKIPPER CANDIDATE in Ilford South has been forced to resign after making an 'offensive' postings on his FACEBOOK SITE.
After making derogatory comments about Mrs Nancy Reagan, he said that the First Lady is the American equivalent of the Queen.  But he is then reported to have written: 'If you want one so bad, you can have the German bitch who has just handed our sovereignty to Europe without a murmur!'  Earlier in the month, he was reprimanded for ranting about 'Muslim nutters' and 'Romanian gypsies who beat their wives and children' on a social care website.


I personally don't see ANYTHING WRONG in his comments, but I know some of my commenters are sycophantic Royalists.  The Queen and Princess Anne are the best of a bad bunch, but they've both fulfilled their Royal duties satisfactorily.  As for the other two comments, well WHO WOULD ARGUE WITH THE MAN?  BTW, I hope that's  fotocopy he's burning.

IS LORD SUGAR THE BASTARD CHILD OF 'CARRY ON' STAR SID JAMES?

NEW PORNO MAG IN BRAILLE FOR THE BLIND PRINTED- WTF?

A pornographic magazine for the blind has been launched - complete with braille text and raised pictures of naked men and women.
Among the 17 raised images include a naked woman in a 'disco pose', a woman with 'perfect breasts' and a 'male love robot'.  The book was designed by Lisa Murphy and is called Tactile Minds. It is designed to be 'enjoyed' by the blind and visually impaired - and is on sale for £150.

WTF is that all about?  I always thought that looking at porn was a kind of LONESOME OCCUPATION.  I mean if you're blind and you've got to read it by RUNNING YOUR HAND OVER IT,  and I think you can guess where I'm going here, do you have to get someone to CHOKE THE MONKEY?  And for £150, there's places where you could get at least 15 BJs for the same money.  KILMARNOCK, for instance.  And for that sort of money you'd also get B&B FOR A FORTNIGHT!

NO WONDER STEVEN PURCELL TOOK TO THE MAN SHAGGING!

This is KATRINA MURRAY, the PPC for one of the seats in DUNDEE.  She is also the EX-WIFE of the well publicised COKEHEAD,  STEVEN PURCELL, the former Leader of Glasgow City Council.

It's no wonder he went to the MAN SHAGGING, IF THAT WAS WHO HE WAS MARRIED TO.  I ask the question again.  Why are ALL LABOUR PEOPLE, UGLY BASTARDS?

MAN GETS FINED £4,000 FOR DOSE OF THE CRABS!

A keen environmentalist has been ordered to pay £4,000 after catching, cooking and eating endangered native crabs.
Christopher Hemsley, 41, thought he was doing a good deed by catching what he believed to be invasive American signal crabs in a trap his wife had bought him.
 A nosey bastard spotted them and alerted the Environment Agency, which called in the police.    When told what the crustaceans were, Hemsley admitted killing white-clawed crabs contrary to the Wildlife and Countryside Act 1981; and taking fish in an inland water with a trap without a licence, contrary to the Salmon and Freshwater Fisheries Act 1975.
Diana Matthews, chairman of magistrates, imposed a fine of £3,500 for killing the crabs and £400 for trapping them, and ordered to pay £85 costs and £15 victim surcharge, making a total of £4000.

FUCK ME!   £4K FOR SOME CRABS!  I had a mate got a dose of the CRABS IN THAILAND and came back to MOTHERWELL and opened  A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT!

A WEE JOKE!

A Somali arrives in Glasgow as a new immigrant to Scotland . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Scotsman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Scotland !'  The person says, 'I not Scottish, I Vietnamese.'


The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Scotland !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Scottish !'


He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Scots ?'  She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Scottish people ?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

(Or signing on at the dole office, depending on which part of Glasgow you're in).

FORMER SCOTTISH SECRETARY-LABOUR WILL GIVE EVERY OAP A FREE LIGHTER!

FORMER SCOTTISH SECRETARY, JIM MURPHY has pledged that SCOTTISH LABOUR will give every PENSIONER in Scotland a 'FREE DISPOSABLE LIGHTER'!

Launching the Labour party's MANIFESTO in Scotland, Murphy told the expectant press pack, "Er, we couldn't come up with anything that wasn't the SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT'S responsibility so we came up with the free lighter scheme for the elderly.  We are sure that SCOTLAND'S SENIOR CITIZENS won't want to bother their families, HARDWORKING MUMS AND DADS, to complain about the LACK OF HEAT in their homes next year, WHEN WE ABOLISH THE FUEL BONUS, so with their free lighters they will be able to set light TO SOME OF THE FURNITURE to keep warm through the long winter nights.  As ever unlike the SNP, Scottish Labour are at the forefront of innovative thinking in a modern society".

LIBTHINGIES LAUNCH MANIFESTO FOR HIGHLANDS WITH LEADER DRESSED AS BEAVER!

The LIBTHINGIES have unveiled their plans for the north of Scotland with a manifesto for BEAVERS.
On a visit to Inverness, party leader Tavish Scott pledged support for lochs well stocked with SALMON and lots of branches so the BEAVERS could build those "FUCKING INTERESTING DAM THINGS".

"We need to support BEAVERS as much as possible, because they are lovely FURRY THINGS WITH CUTE FRONT TEETH" he told an AWESTRUCK CROWD in Inverness College.

A LIBTHING SPOKESMAN was heard to mutter, " FUCK ME!  I THOUGHT CHARLES KENNEDY COULD TALK SHITE!"  Mr Scott was later escorted back onto the LIBTHINGY'S BATTLE MINI by two men in WHITE COATS. 

GREEK BAILOUT TO COST BRITAIN £650M-WE DEMAND CORFU!

A GREEK GIRL SUNBATHING IN CORFU YESTERDAY

Greece was last night handed a generous national bailout by its euro partners which will end up costing British taxpayers more than £600million a year.  In a move aimed at shoring up dwindling confidence in the stricken country, the 16 euro zone members announced they would lend 30billion euros this year alone.
Germany and France agreed that Athens should receive preferential cut-price loans to stave off a financial crisis.

But another cash injection from the International Monetary Fund means Britain will have to pay part of a further £13billion bill to prop up Greece in the money markets.  Because the UK contributes 5 per cent of the IMF annual budget, this would equate to a £650million bill for the taxpayer.

If Germany and France want to bail out GREECE, then they should pay for it entirely.  The EURO EXPERIMENT was their doing entirely and BRITAIN WHICH IS NOT IN THE EUROZONE, shouldn't have to contribute towards it.  How come we contribute 5% to the IMF.  I thought we were skint!

If we have to, WE SHOULD DEMAND CORFU as retribution!

VATICAN 'FORGIVES' BEATLES FOR JESUS REMARK-NOT BEFORE TIME!

At the height of their fame The Beatles enraged the Roman Catholic Church by famously declaring they were bigger than Jesus.
Their enthusiastic pursuit of the sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle also did little to convince the Vatican they were anything other than a thoroughly bad influence.  But now in a move sanctioned by Pope Benedict XVI, the Catholic Church has offered the Fab Four its official seal of approval, forgiving them their various excesses and even lauding them as a “precious jewel”.

I would fucking think so, it's about time!  I think with all the problems THE VATICAN have, with numbers as high as 20% of all PRIESTS BEING CHILD ABUSERS, A LITTLE HUMILITY WOULDN'T GO AMMISS!   BTW, why do the CATHOLIC CHURCH always think they represent all CHRISTIANS.  What about the millions of CHRISTIANS WHO ARE NOT CATHOLIC.

Now the Vatican has forgiven them, wait till you see the ANTI-SMOKING LOBBY going after PAUL for having a FAG IN HIS HAND!

OLD CODGER GETS ASBO FOR SWEARING AT POLITICIANS ON T.V.

A former Royal Navy seaman has been given an Asbo – to stop him swearing at politicians when they appear on his TV or on the radio.
Martin Solomon, 64, has already spent the past two weeks in prison waiting to be sentenced after admitting he had breached a previous Asbo by shouting and swearing loudly in his home in Stroud, Gloucestershire, and disturbing his neighbours last month.  He has promised to avoid General Election coverage!  ‘I am sorry, I have nothing against my neighbours at all,’ he told the court. ‘When I see Question Time sometimes I get angry but it’s not directed at anyone else, it’s at the TV.

FUCK ME!   It's a good job I get on with the guy next door or I would be getting an ASBO every week!  My favourite is shouting at DIANE ABBOT on 'This Week', to "shut the fuck up, it's not your turn to speak you arsehole" or screaming "MURPHY YOU ARE A FUCKING, LYING, CONIVING BASTARD OF THE FIRST DEGREE, YOU LABOUR ARSEHOLE BASTARD"!  Or words of that description!

MUSLIMS TO BE ALLOWED TO THROW SHOES DURING PROTESTS!

SCOTLAND YARD has bowed to Islamic sensitivities and accepted that Muslims are entitled to throw shoes in ritual protest — which could have the unintended consequence of politicians or the police being hit.


News of the concession by the Metropolitan police has come to light amid a series of trials of more than 70 mostly Muslim demonstrators who were charged with violent disorder after last year’s Gaza protests outside the Israeli embassy in London.  Aquib Salim, 21, an IT student at Queen Mary, London University, who was involved in a shoe-throwing incident, is almost certain to avoid a prison sentence as a result.  “The court accepted that the earlier shoe-throwing incident was simply a ritual form of protest and therefore not a criminal act of violence,” Holt said.


Well, here in this part of SCOTLAND it is the custom to throw HAMMERS during protests at for instance, LABOUR POLITICIANS.  So I FUCKING BETTER NOT GET ARRESTED, when I bounce one of MR STANLEY'S FINEST HAMMERS off the considerably SWOLLEN HEAD of GORDON BROWN or even better, THAT BASTARD MURPHY!

CLAIRE SHORT SHOULD BE HUNG AS WELL AS THE PARLIAMENT!

A hung Parliament would be "terribly good" for the country, former Cabinet minister Clare Short has insisted.
A hung Parliament would help to "bring some power back" to the House of Commons chamber and make the Government less "arrogant", claimed Ms Short.

They want to hang her, the ARROGANT BASTARD.  This is the FUCKING ARSEHOLE, THE BLAIR BABE, who didn't resign when ROBIN COOK, a man of honour, made his stand against the IRAQ WAR.  She couldn't handle a ministry and was quickly sidelined by BLAIR after licking his SCRAWNY ARSEHOLE FOR YEARS.  She is pictured with her TRADEMARK SCARF which hides her VULTURE LIKE NECK.  Someone should strangle her with it.  Who gives a FUCK WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY!  Anyway why are these NULABOUR BASTARDS SO UGLY?

'COFFIN DODGERS' TOLD THEY CAN'T SIT AT EMERGENCY EXIT-QUITE RIGHT!

A couple were outraged when airport check-in staff said they couldn't sit in the emergency exit seats they had paid extra for because they were too old.
Marion Webb, 77, and husband Derek, 79, forked out an extra £100 for seats with extra leg room on top of the £2,360 they paid for a trip to Egypt with Thomson Airways.

QUITE FUCKING RIGHT TOO!  What would have happened if one of the OLD COFFIN DODGERS had died on the Flight?  People could have been trapped in the plane.  Why are they going to EGYPT in the first place.  Do they have a TOMB LINED UP?  Anyway what's wrong with BLACKPOOL?  They could sit on the prom and feed SANDWICHES TO THE SEAGULLS, instead of looking at some ANCIENT MONUMENTS, some, as old as them.  They should be leaving their money for their weans anyway.  Obviously a PAIR OF GREEDY OLD BASTARDS!

P.S. if you look closely, you'll see the old twat has pished the front of his trousers!

LABOUR CANDIDATE IN MORAY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SACKED

STUART MacLENNAN, the LABOUR candidate, in MORAY has been sacked by that ARSEHOLE JIM MURPHY for amongst other things calling OAPs, 'COFFIN DODGERS'.
In a series of posts scattered with four-letter words, he attacked the Commons Speaker John Bercow ("tit"), David Cameron ("twat"), Nick Clegg ("a bastard") and the Labour backbencher Diane Abbot ("a fucking idiot").

Well, WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO ARGUE WITH THAT?  The words that Stuart used are the language of the young.  TWITTER is full of similar comments.  LABOUR should have the courage of their convictions.  The whole thing is a load OF PISH!  Just wait till I get onto TWITTER.  I'LL SORT THE BASTARDS OUT!

LIBTHINGIES ARE ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN AS USUAL AS CRACKS APPEAR

DICK GREIG AND CHAS KENNEDY ARGUE ABOUT WHOSE TURN IT IS TO BUY THE DRINKS ON THE GLASGOW PLANE

QUESTIONS were being asked yesterday about the true position of the Libthingies on  issues, after the party's leader, Dick Grieg, appeared to contradict his Treasury spokesman on tax on his first campaign trip to Scotland.

Meeting Scottish candidates in Glasgow, Mr Grieg said the Tories would have to raise the rate of VAT to pay for their pledge to reverse Labour's increases in National Insurance contributions.
But in the recent chancellors' debate, his Treasury spokesman, Electricity Cable – yesterday 355 miles away in Cambridge – refused to rule out an increase in VAT, (BUT HE DID GET MORE LAUGHS!).

As usual the LIBTHINGIES are trying to be all things to all men.  The difference this time around is that their POLICY is under scrutiny.  A VOTE FOR THE LIBTHINGIES IS A WASTED VOTE, PARTICULARLY IN SCOTLAND.  There's only one party can beat LABOUR in SCOTLAND and everyone knows that's THE SNP!

BTW, old Charles doesn't look happy in the above photo, does he?

GETTING AWAY FROM POLITICS - THIS IS A HOOT, (SHORT)

H/T UKIPPERS

WE DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU, YOU MISERABLE WANKER!

Labour Party hopeful, Gordon Brown, started the second day of the campaign by emphasizing what an ordinary, miserable wanker he is.
"Sarah and I sometimes just sit in Downing Street, after having had a supper of frozen Cottage Pie from The Co-Op, watching some game of footy on the telly or one of those reality game shows like, "Mandy rehearses for the part of Tinkerbell" and how we laugh!  Not for us, the 'high life' that the Tories enjoy".

A Mr Ainsworth, a baldy twat, who has taken to wearing a 'syrup of figs' in recent years and was standing nearby, was heard to remark, "FUCK THAT!  I hope that miserable SCOTCH FUCKER gets his.  I'm fed up being ordinary.  I want to be in STRINGFELLOWS WITH DAVE AND GEORGEY-BOY!

'CALL ME DAVE' SINGS THE COMMON PEOPLE

DISGUSTING! -THE BROWNS DRINK EACH OTHER'S PISS! **PICTURE**

DIRTY GITS!

SIR ALEX FERGUSON-TYPICAL SOCIALIST BAD LOSER!

FERGUSON WIPES AWAY THE SNOTTERS AFTER LAST NIGHT'S GAME

Sir Alex Ferguson reacted to Manchester United’s Champions League elimination on a sour note by labelling Bayern Munich as ‘typical Germans’ after claiming Louis van Gaal’s players deliberately targeted Wayne Rooney and influenced the second-half dismissal of defender Rafael da Silva.

Typical SOCIALIST.  EVERY BODY'S FAULT BUT OURS!  Rafael should have been off for his tackle in the first half.  PRICK!  And he's an ex AYR UNITED player.  Whit a disgrace to his country!

UKIPPER POLITICIAN SUSPENDED (!) FOR BEING A TORY

A prominent member of the UKIPPER PARTY has been suspended although hopefully not literally, from the party by the National Executive.

Rob Ager was chairman of UKIPPER's Liverpool branch until party chiefs found out about his films, which include scenes of bondage, incarceration and flagellation.  One of Mr Ager's films, called The Sex Game, features a half-naked man being whipped and abused by a "dominatrix".  The man is obviously a CLOSET TORY.  If he had been caught MASTERBATING WITH A PLASTIC BAG over his head, he would have been a SOCIALIST.  FUCK KNOWS what the LIBTHINGIES GET UP TO!