BANANA BOY'S BROTHER GIVES POWER COMPANIES CONTROL OVER OUR HEAT AND LIGHT

'Smart meters' for gas and electricity are set to be approved for installation across the country in a huge project that could cost homes and businesses more than £500 each.



The meters are being presented as the key to doing away with estimated bills and encouraging families to cut down on their energy use by showing them how much they are using.  The huge scheme is to be unveiled by Climate Change Secretary, Ed Miliband, as part of a package of measures to cut the nation's carbon footprint ahead of the climate change summit in Copenhagen.

However, the cost of installation has been estimated by the Government at £9billion, while some analysts suggest the figure will be as high as £13.4billion.  Consumer groups fear that the major part of this bill will be passed on to housholders and could add up to £515 per family over a ten-year period.  It will be possible to send an electronic message to the meters to change the tariffs in line with price alterations. It will also allow companies to charge more during peak times. The meters could also be used to ration supplies across the network or cap electricity use in a particular household to a certain threshold.

DOES ANYONE TRUST THE POWER COMPANIES not to change tariffs, to charge extra when it's colder or cut your power if there's some problem with your DIRECT DEBIT.  I CERTAINLY DON'T.  As usual the Government will tell us they're bringing in safeguards, WHICH WON'T BE WORTH THE PAPER THEY'RE WRITTEN ON! 

HAPPY ST. ANDREW'S DAY TO ALL

A happy St. Andrew's day to everybody.  On this day in which the SNP bring forth their referendum question which I and many others hope will bring independence to this proud land, may I give you a few lines from our National Poet, Rabbie Burns, born just a few miles from where I am now, in Alloway near Ayr.  This poem was written by Burns to represent what he would have said had he been King Robert the Bruce before the Battle of Bannockburn, 1314, when Scotland finally won it's independence from England only for the Scottish Nobility to sell it for English gold nearly 400 years later.

'Scots, wha hæ wi' Wallace bled,

Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,

Welcome tæ yer gory bed,

Or tæ Victorie!

'Now's the day, and now's the hour:

See the front o' battle lour,

See approach proud Edward's power -

Chains and Slaverie!

'Wha will be a traitor knave?

Wha will fill a coward's grave?

Wha sæ base as be a slave?

Let him turn and flee!

'Wha, for Scotland's king and law,

Freedom's sword will strongly draw,

Freeman stand, or Freeman fa',

Let him on wi' me!

'By Oppression's woes and pains!

By your sons in servile chains!

We will drain our dearest veins,

But they shall be free!

'Lay the proud usurpers low!

Tyrants fall in every foe!

Liberty's in every blow! -

Let us do or dee!'

My apologies to anyone who doesn't understand the Scots dialect but it doesn't sound the same in English.

THEY MAKE A LOVELY PAIR!

THEY MAKE A LOVELY PAIR!

Guys, you know that bird that you took home to meet your parents and your mother's head was shaking, whilst your father's toungue was hanging out.  Well this FUCKWIT MARRIED HER!  I don't know though, I wonder if she farts in bed.  Mmmmm?

HEALTH AND SAFETY "STRIKE" IN 10 PIN BOWLING ALLEYS

It's a peril that only a crack team of health and safety experts could have uncovered.

After two years and £250,000, they found that ten-pin bowling alleys up and down the country could be a 'very dangerous' environment for families.  They concluded that it was too easy for children or teenagers to run down lanes and get trapped in machinery that sets up the pins - even though there was no record of any such accident having happened.


The bizarre Health and Safety Executive report found that members of the public would be at risk if they walked along the 60-foot lanes to knock over pins by hand. Its authors even considered ordering every bowling alley to put barriers across lanes. But they were forced to admit defeat - after realising that bowlers must be able to see what they are aiming at.

They also recommended that all staff wear FUCKING EAR-MUFFS to drown out the noise of the balls hitting the pins and I suppose you could forget to take your fingers out of the ball and get DRAGGED ALONG AFTER IT!

FUCKING RIDICULOUS.  £250,000 for that.  GET A LIFE! 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1231962/Elf--safety-strikes-bowling-alley--250-000-study-tell-tenpin-bowls-dangerous.html#ixzz0YIeYTyQF

ANOTHER SCOTTISH BLOGGER BITES THE DUST.

FROM SCOTLAND ON SUNDAY.

THE SNP was last night embroiled in a scandal after an aide to the Constitution Minister used the Internet to smear political rivals by posting scurrilous allegations about their private lives.

Mark MacLachlan, 46, has been forced to quit as Michael Russell's office manager after he used his blog and other electronic communications to spread abusive and defamatory messages about senior Labour and Tory figures.  The revelation, which echoes the resignation of prime ministerial aide Damian McBride earlier this year after an Internet dirty-tricks campaign came to light at Westminster, is deeply embarrassing for Alex Salmond.

MacLachlan, whose £30,000 job in the minister's Dumfries constituency office was funded by the taxpayer, published a blog titled "The Universality of Cheese" under the pseudonym Montague Burton, which promoted the nationalist cause.  The blog contained false allegations about the sex lives and behaviour of politicians and other prominent people in public life.  Among those smeared were Lord Foulkes, the Labour MSP, Paul McBride QC, the lawyer and high-profile Tory, members of the shadow cabinet and Labour councillors.-

I've read Monty's blog for about a year and it was obvious that it was a private blog, written by him in his own time.  To equate it with Damian McBride's blog is malicious nonsense.  McBride's blog contained spurious insinuations about prominent Tory Politicians including allegations of affairs and venereal disease.  It was also written from THE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE with it is gathered his TACIT APPROVAL.

What Mark did was stupid considering his position.  I think we have all had to consider our Blog's content over the last week or so.  I have taken down any reference to the SNP, because I will probably vote for them in May or whenever Shite-bag decides he's brave enough to take on the electorate, I do not represent them in any capacity.

Sorry to see another entertaining, at least in my eyes, BLOGGER BITE THE DUST.  Come back soon Mark!

FREE SHIRLEY BASSEY CD FOR EVERY COMMENTER IN TOMORROW'S DARK LOCHNIGAR!

YES THAT'S RIGHT!  A free DAME SHIRLEY BASSEY CD for every commenter in tomorrow's SUPER, SOARING DARK LOCHNAGAR!  This once in a LIFETIME super offer is brought to you in conjunction DL promotions. 



 *Only one CD per commenter.  *conditions apply

IRAQ INQUIRY BOMBSHELL-SECRET LETTER SHOWS BLAIR TO BE WAR CRIMINAL

An up until now SECRET LETTER written by LORD GOLDSMITH in July 2002, a full eight months before the Iraq invasion advises Blair that any invasion would be a breach of INTERNATIONAL LAW.

In it, Lord Goldsmith set out in uncompromising terms why he believed war was illegal. He pointed out that:
War could not be justified purely on the grounds of 'regime change'.
Although United Nations rules permitted 'military intervention on the basis of self-defence', they did not apply in this case because Britain was not under threat from Iraq.
While the UN allowed 'humanitarian intervention' in certain instances, that too was not relevant to Iraq.  .


The letter caused pandemonium in Downing Street. Mr Blair was furious. No10 told Lord Goldsmith he should never have put his views on paper, and he was not to do so again unless told to by Mr Blair.  The reason was simple: if it became public, Lord Goldsmith's letter could make it impossible for Mr Blair to fulfil his secret pledge to back Mr Bush in any circumstances. More importantly, it could never be expunged from the record as copies were stored in No10 and in the Attorney General's office.

Day by day, the evidence grows against the WAR CRIMINAL TONY BLAIR and I live for the day when he is taken from court to a place of execution to be HANGED FOR TREASON against the British people.



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1231746/Secret-letter-reveal-new-Blair-war-lies.html#ixzz0YCiZc5Ri

SATURDAY JOKE

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. “In most parts of the USA we can’t play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring,” the American said.


“Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter. Snow and cold are no object to us,” said the Scot.

“Well, what do you do? Paint your balls black?” asked the American.

“No,” said the Scot, “we just put on an extra sweater or two.”

LORD OF THE RING FACES BIG PROBE OVER "FAVOURS" FOR RUSSIAN BIGKNOB

Lord Mandelson is facing a fresh inquiry into accusations that he did 'improper' favours for his Russian billionaire friend, Oleg Deripaska.

A German MEP has demanded that the European Commission investigate what she claims is the Business Secretary's 'conflict of interest' when he twice lowered aluminium tariffs during his time as Brussels Trade Commissioner.  Those moves directly benefited Mr Deripaska, whose company Rusal is the world's largest aluminium concern.  The two men discussed trade issues at one of Moscow's most exclusive restaurants and shared a holiday last year when Lord Mandelson stayed on Mr Deripaska's luxury yacht off Corfu.  Both were dinner guests of billionaire financier Lord Rothschild and his son Nat at their luxurious home on the island.  The bastard is as bent as a two bob note.  

You can BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR that the fucking Rothschilds' fingers WOULD BE IN THE PIE! 

SAM FOX-WHAT A DOG!

The above is a pic of SAM FOX, who was appearing on some shitey reality TV programme, called "get my come out of here on ice", (It's about fertilisation stem-cell research).

Anyway, as most of you who read this pile of shite on a regular basis know, I am not a bitchy man.  But FUCK ME, she's LET HERSELF GO!  Last time I saw her was on "Top of the Pops" and she was a real stunner.  If ever a face needed BOTOX, THAT'S IT!

GOOD NEWS FROM LABOUR-TIMESHARES IN DUBAI FOR ALL TAXPAYERS

The Chancellor of the Exchequer announced this evening that he is going to insist that the £30 Billion owned to nationalised banks in DUBAI, is paid in property and all 20 million taxpayers WILL BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE WEEKS TIMESHARE ACCOMODATION every 3 years or so.

Alistair Darling told DL, " we might as well get something for our money instead of fucking wasting it like what we have done up to now.  DUBAI is ideal as a holiday destination as the weather is fucking roasting all year round and we'll soon own BRITISH AIRWAYS, so we'll be able to offer cheap flights as well.  Not just from English Airports either.  We expect to see flights leaving from all Scottish Airports, including BENBECULA and BARRA.  Whether anyone will come back is a different story.

AT LAST, Labour does something for Scotland.  So this is the UNION DIVIDEND THEY TOLD US ABOUT!  Well Alex, you can stick your SNP UP YOUR BIG, FAT ARSE, we're off TO THE SUN!

TURNS OUT FRED GOODWIN'S A GOOD'UN!

It transpires that while Sir Fred Goodwin was making £4.2 million in his last year at RBS, there were TWO HUNDRED, (200)!, other people who MADE MORE THAN HIM.

FUCK ME!  ALL TOGETHER NOW.  WE ARE SORRY SIR FRED THAT WE CALLED YOU A GREEDY ARSEHOLE.  In the circumstances you were VERY GOOD VALUE.  SORRY AGAIN!

SCOTTISH LABOUR'S "DAY OF SHAME"

The Labour Party was facing a wave of criticism last night from health professionals, anti-alcohol campaigners and the police after it was confirmed that its MSPs are to block minimum pricing for drink in Scotland.

The decision by Labour, revealed in DARK LOCHNAGAR four weeks ago, means that the party will now join with Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats to vote down the minority Scottish government’s bid to introduce the controversial measure, aimed at curbing supermarket sales of drinks such as cheap lager and cider.  However, Labour’s move brought condemnation from the British Medical Association in Scotland which said it was “confounded” by the party’s attitude.  Alcohol Focus Scotland, the campaigning group, said the rejection by Labour of minimum pricing was “a major blow which could set back attempts to make a positive change to Scotland’s drinking culture”. 

Stephen House, Chief Constable of Strathclyde Police, also implicitly attacked Labour, saying that introducing a minimum price for alcohol could play a substantial role in driving down crime and violence across Scotland and was the right thing to do.  Mr House said: “Pricing does have an impact on consumption. The past few years have seen more and more people buy their alcohol from supermarkets and off licences. The reason for this is quite clear — it is cheaper.  “My officers see the devastation caused by cheap, strong alcohol each and every day. They see people left shattered by violence, towns and cities blighted by fear and young people making foolish, drink-fuelled choices that will change their lives forever. Our jails, prisons and hospital wards are testament to this and it is time for it to change".

I'VE GOT A SIMPLE SOLUTION.  Ban Supermarkets from selling booze and bring back the old offi's.  No-one's trying to stop the guy who likes a few cans or a bottle of wine or even a wee voddy now and again.

After all, THERE WAS ALWAYS CHANGE AT AGNEWS!

PRINCE CHARLES'S NEW PORTRAIT? IS HE ENIGMATIC OR JUST PISHED! YOU DECIDE.

Georgina Barclay, the artist, seems to have had a struggle capturing the enigmatic, Mona Lisa-like smile of the Prince of Wales when he sat for her portrait. OR IS HE JUST PISHED?  Worse, does anyone GIVE A FUCK? 

IT'S A FUNNY OLD WORLD-FIDDLE YOUR BENEFITS AND YOU'RE JAILED, STEAL £1.6M AND YOU GET OFF!

A thieving aristocrat who treated his family charity like a 'magical piggy bank' walked free from court yesterday.


The Honourable Jonathan Davies, 65, plundered £1.6million from the fund set up by his philanthropist grandfather, spending the cash on personal luxuries and a failed business venture.  The charity, which helped a host of causes including caring for Bosnian war orphans, has collapsed because of his dishonesty.


Father-of-six Davies, who was educated at Eton and Oxford, spent the money on his daughter's school fees, gifts to family members, credit card bills, golf and fine wine, and tax and utility bills.  He also gave around £1million to inventor Joe Dawson, who was hoping to patent a new type of spark plug.

At Southwark Crown Court yesterday, Judge James Wadsworth sentenced the former investment banker to two years' jail but suspended the term for two years.  Davies is bankrupt and will not have to pay back a penny.

SEEMS THERE IS ONE RULE FOR THE RICH AND ONE FOR THE REST OF US.  Some silly wee lassie, pinches something out of a shop for her kids at Christmas and she gets JAILED and that FUCKER gets off with it.  NOT RIGHT.

CALMAN KICKED INTO LONG GRASS BY UNIONISTS

The recommendation's of the CALMAN COMMISSION have been kicked into the LONG GRASS.  EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.  So instead of wasting my time writing about it when I can be surfing other blogs, I give you a picture of a young lady with BIG TITS.  A sort of PAGE 3, EXCEPT CLOTHED.

TONY BENN'S SON IS EVEN MORE BONKERS THAN HIM!

Cutting a sausage a day from the average British diet is necessary to save the planet, scientists claim.

Their controversial report, which partly blames meat-eaters for climate change, was backed by Environment Secretary Hilary Benn's, ( A FUCKING VEGETARIAN BTW ), department last night.  The scientists called for a 30 per cent reduction in the number of farm animals bred for meat to prevent rising temperatures and rising sea levels.

WHERE DO THESE FUCKERS GET OFF!  If I tell Mrs D.L. that she's not getting HER DAILY SAUSAGE, SHE'LL GO OFF HER NUT!

A SHOOTING DILEMA, WHAT!

THE ROTHSCHILDS' SEAT-WADDESDON MANOR

Lord Mandelson has infuriated families of the Lockerbie bombing victims by attending a shooting party with Colonel Gaddafi's son.

The Business Secretary and Saif Gaddafi were guests of billionaire financier Lord Rothschild and his son Nat at the family mansion in Buckinghamshire.  In a bizarre confirmation of Labour's close links to the Libyan regime, Cherie Blair was also present.

SO HERE'S MY DILEMA.  I have a Purdey with two barrels loaded.  Into view hove, LORD ROTHSCHILD and his son NAT, MANDELSON, CHERIE BLAIR AND A GADDAFI.

FIVE FUCKERS all needing shot and you can only get TWO OF THEM.  WHO DO YOU GO FOR?

ME?  I would take out the TWO ROTHSCHILDS, WITHOUT COMPUNCTION!

BROWN ORDERS COVERUP TO HIDE BLAIR AND LABOURS' SHAME!

Gordon Brown was accused of engineering a new Iraq cover-up yesterday by handing Whitehall departments the right to block the release of secret documents about the war.



Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg ambushed the Prime Minister in the Commons, angrily accusing him of trying to 'suffocate' the Chilcot Inquiry. He used the weekly PM's Questions session to accuse Gordon Brown of 'suffocating' the Iraq inquiry, saying families of dead servicemen were desperate to know the truth, but the Government's 'shameful culture of secrecy' would make that impossible.

'Protocols' on the release of information have given civil servants and witnesses nine separate grounds on which to block the publication of damaging details.  The revelation came on the day that senior civil servants gave damning evidence to the inquiry which showed that Tony Blair had lied, lied and lied again about the Iraq War.  Blair was told 10 days BEFORE Iraq invasion that Saddam had dismantled WMD, the inquiry was told.  And after the war, when Mr Blair declared that 'massive evidence' had been found, officials had to warn him not to 'declare success too rapidly'.

THIS FUCKING WAR CRIMINAL MUST BE BROUGHT TO BOOK, TO ALLOW THE REALATIVES OF THE DEAD, TO KNOW WHY THEY DIED.

IS AINSWORTH GROWING A PAIR OF BALLS AT LAST?

HAT TIP TO GIGITS WHEREVER HE IS FOR THE PHOTO

Bob Ainsworth, the defence secretary, has blamed Barack Obama and the United States for the decline in British public support for the war in Afghanistan.


The Defence Secretary's blunt remarks about the US threaten to strain further a transatlantic relationship. Mr Ainsworth took the unprecedented step of publicly criticising the US President and his delays in sending more troops to bolster the mission against the Taliban.  A “period of hiatus” in Washington - and a lack of clear direction - had made it harder for ministers to persuade the British public to go on backing the Afghan mission in the face of a rising death toll, he said.


CAREFUL BOB.  IF YOU DESTROY THE "SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP", YOUR GAFFER WON'T GET TO LICK OBAMA'S BLACK ARSE ANY MORE!

DAVID BECKAM CAUGHT SNIFFING WIFE'S KNICKERS BEFORE PENALTY SHOOT-OUT!

Football superstar DAVID BECKHAM was last night pictured sniffing his WIFE'S KNICKERS before a penalty shoot-out with LA GALAXY.


To make POSH'S KNICKER SMELL more portable, MULTI MILLIONAIRE DAVID, has had the essence made into a spray which allows him to sew it into his football shorts for a quick sniff during a game.  The spray which was made in the WORLD FAMOUS, ODOUR LABORATORY OF L'OREAL is designed to give a FANNY ODOUR with one spray, whilst two sprays in quick succession gives off the odour of POSH'S ARSEHOLE.  The spray is designed to boost David's TETESTERONE LEVELS at certain times during the match when he might need a wee boost.


One unfortunate side affect which afflicts DAVID, is that unfortunately he finds it difficult to run around with a HARD-ON so he has to take certain harmless herbal remedies before each game.




If you have been harmed by any part of this report or feel that you might like to sniff an ARSEHOLE, please call 07813-487619 and ask for Jim, or alternately e-mail j.murphy@arseholesareme.com

MAGGIE BACK IN DOWNING STREET!

FORMER prime minister Margaret Thatcher returned to No10 yesterday to attend the unveiling of her portrait.

Baroness Thatcher's portrait was being unveiled at a private reception hosted by the Prime Minister and will go on permanent display in the stateroom's lobby on the first floor of Downing Street.  Lady Thatcher is believed to be the first living politician to have her portrait hung in the official residence of the Prime Minister.


I hope the portrait is a view from the back, so BROWN CAN LICK HER CRUSTY, OLD ARSEHOLE WHEN HE WALKS PAST.

POLICE SECURITY FOR GRIFFIN ON QUESTION TIME COST £143,000

BNP leader Nick Griffin’s controversial appearance on Question Time will cost taxpayers £143,000 in police costs, it was revealed today.


Critics are now calling for the BBC to pay for the cost of protecting the leader of the far right party from anti-fascist groups who protested outside the corporation's studios in west London, last month.  The Met drafted in thousands of extra police at a cost of £109,000 and spent a further £13,000 in overtime, and £21,000 on road closures, erecting barriers and a helicopter.  The decision to invite Mr Griffin on to Question Time prompted a mass demonstration, with at least 500 protesters picketing the corporation.


Labour MP Andy Slaughter, whose constituency covers the Television Centre in White City, said BBC bosses should pay for the security out of the £17.5 million they pocketed in bonuses last year.

Sorry, I don't believe that should be the case.  The cost should be paid for by London Council Taxpayers.  If they want to have all these HQs on their doorstep they have to pay for them, the same way that Glasgow and Scotland as a whole is paying for the COMMONWEALTH GAMES.  We should not IMO be paying for the London Olympics but that is another matter.

Were the BBC right to have Griffin on QUESTIONTIME?  I believe so, but as discussed on previous postings the show was badly directed and presented.  As ARISTOTLE once said, "WHEN THE SWORD OF DAMACLESE FALLS, SOME FUCKER'S GOING TO GET CUT"! 

WOMAN HAVING 14TH CHILD VOWS, "I'LL KEEP ON GETTING PREGNANT UNTIL I GET TWINS"!

A mother expecting her 14th child has vowed to keep having children until she has twins.  Sara Foss, 39, already picks up £50,000 in benefits every year.
She said: 'All I've ever wanted is twins or triplets. It's my biggest wish, and I'm going to keep trying until I do it.


Miss Foss, of Derby, was 16 when she had her first baby, Patrick, in 1986.  But, traumatised by giving birth, she vowed not to have any more children. It was a decade before she changed her mind and had a second son, Stephen.  She has almost averaged one birth a year since.


She recently spent over £5000 in Toys R Us, over £350m per child.  Now I don't have children but £350, IS THAT NOT A BIT EXCESSIVE?

Time I think she was told, look dear, if you want more children the State is not going to pay for them, so you'll have to look after them yourselves.  Either that or STERELISE HER NOW and be done with it! 

SOLDIERS GOING TO IRAQ ONLY HAD 5 BULLETS EACH!

British military operations in Iraq were so badly resourced that some soldiers went into battle with only five bullets each, secret documents have revealed.



Troops were put at 'significant risk' on the front line as they struggled with an 'appalling' shortage of rounds, and radios which collapsed in the heat.  The kit revelations are among the most shocking contained in hundreds of pages of classified papers leaked in advance of Sir John Chilcot's inquiry into the Iraq war, which begins on Tuesday.
The reports also suggest that Tony Blair misled MPs and the public in the run-up to the invasion.  The documents raise serious questions over Labour's failure properly to equip soldiers heading for the conflict because of the then Prime Minister's desperate desire to conceal plans to invade Iraq from a sceptical public.


The OUTLAW TONY BLAIR, must be taken in front of the enquiry and made to ANSWER IF HE KNEW THAT THERE WERE NO WMDs in IRAQ.  Then taken out, FOUND GUILTY of TREASON AND SHOT!  AND SHOOT THAT BASTARD MURPHY AS WELL!


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1229995/Leaked-Army-files-Iraq-reveal-appalling-failures-equip-soldiers.html#ixzz0XdnKe7Xb

TESCOS HIRE ORANGE ORDER FLUTE BAND TO PLAY A WEE TUNE!

WHEN Tesco wanted to inject a little colour into the opening of a new multi-million pound store, managers thought they had found the perfect entertainment with local musicians.  Instead the supermarket giant was left embarrassed after failing to take into account the West of Scotland’s sectarian sensitivities by booking an Orange flute band.

Members of the Bellshill Imperial Flute band met in the car park of the town’s new Tesco Extra superstore after being booked to perform a set of four songs. They were to start with "The sash my father wore", continuing on to "We'll guard old Derry's walls", then playing that old Londonderry air, "the Pope's a fucking cafflic", by which time they would be pished and finish off with "Are you watching fenian scum".  Their guest conductor for the day was none other than Tescos super-employee, TONY BLAIR.

But as around 20 members warmed up, panicking managers realised their error and hurriedly gave them their marching orders.  Dozens of onlookers – some sporting Rangers strips – watched as disappointed band members packed up their belongings and moved on.

IMMIGRANTS PAY £250 FOR CERTIFICATES THAT CLAIM THEY SPEAK ENGLISH!

THE BIRMINGHAM LANGUAGE SCHOOL

Immigrants who don’t understand English have been able to buy language certificates that give them the right to settle in Britain.


It has come to this blog's attention that staff at English language colleges in London and Birmingham have been offering migrants who speak little or no English Home Office-regulated English and Citizenship certificates for £250 each. Tests are rigged to allow almost anyone to pass.  Staff hand out crib sheets with questions and answers in English. Others let candidates write the sound of English words on the sheets in their own tongue, so the answers appear right, but they don’t know what they are saying.

At the UK Learning Academy in Birmingham, a staff assessor told an undercover reporter that candidates did not have to take any courses or speak any English to pass the tests. The assessor simply asked if the candidate knew their own name, date of birth and address. When told that they did, the assessor replied: “That’s all right then. That’s a guaranteed pass.”

WHY AM I NOT SUPRISED?  Is there anyone in this country, (apart from me), that's NOT ON THE MAKE?

SCOTLAND 9 AUSTRALIA 8

SCOTLAND 9  AUSTRALIA 8

LET ME TELL YOU THIS, DAME EDNA EVERIDGE, SKIPPY THE BUSH KANGAROO, FLYING DOCTORS, NEIGHBOURS, NED KELLY, GREG NORMAN, HOME AND AWAY, FOSTER'S LAGER, EVONNE GOOLAGONG, SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE AND DAME NELLY MELBA-

YOUR WILD COLONIAL BOYS TOOK ONE HELL OF A HIDING!

Memo to the BBC - Why at a Scotland- Australia rugby game did the commentary team consist of 2 English, 3 Australian, 1 Irish and only FUCKING 1 SCOTTISH COMMENTATOR?

HETEROSEXUAL PRIESTS JUST AS LIKELY TO ABUSE CHILDREN AS HOMOSEXUAL ONES!

Gay priests are no more likely to molest children than heterosexual clergy, a preliminary report commissioned by U.S. Roman Catholic bishops on the roots of the clergy sex abuse scandal found.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN!  I WAS A BIT WORRIED FOR A MOMENT THERE.

BRITISH NAVY FORCED TO APOLOGISE TO DAGOS!

The Royal Navy was accused yesterday of using a Spanish flag as a machine-gun target.

Giles Paxman, the UK's new ambassador in Madrid, was forced to apologise after sailors fired at a red-and-yellow flag affixed to a buoy while patrolling off Gibraltar.  He was summoned to the Spanish Foreign Ministry for a dressing down and officials said he had conceded there had been an 'error of judgement'.  The incident is alleged to have taken place five nautical miles from Gibraltar outside of SPANISH TERRATORIAL WATERS.

But the ambassador - who has been in post for just a month - denied that the crew of HMS Scimitar had been insulting Spain's flag.  Instead, he told them the sailors had actually been firing at Nato's maritime flag for the number '1' which shares the same distinctive colours.

Never mind apologising, we should THEM TO FUCK OFF!  And if they don't stop their SHITE OVER GIBRALTER, we'll stop selling our ENGLISH BREAKFASTS in Spanish cafes and then watch their fucking economy go into FREEFALL!

PREGNANT MOTHER'S FOETUS IS MICHAEL JACKSON!

It looks like an ordinary ultrasound scan, with a blurry contrast of light and shade.

But to Dawn Kelley and William Hickman, it's the face of Michael Jackson.


The imaginative couple say they can clearly see the face of the late pop star when they look at the picture of their unborn baby.  Mr Hickman, 29, a window cleaner, said: 'I showed my daughter Ami, who's six, and she saw it straight away, so I thought "well, if she can see it too, it's not just me seeing things".'

LOOKS MORE LIKE TOMMY COOPER EATING A STEAK PIE TO ME!

LABOUR'S IAIN GRAY WINS NUMEROUS AWARDS AT HERALD'S POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD

Labour Leader in Holyrood, IAIN GRAY won numerous awards last night at the HERALD'S POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR AWARD.  The categories which he won were as follows:

SCOTTISH POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR
POLITICAL DEBATER OF THE YEAR
PARTY LEADER OF THE YEAR
WITTIEST DEBATER OF THE YEAR
INTELLECTUAL OF THE YEAR
HUMANIST OF THE YEAR

For those of you who are by now shaking your heads and saying, you've got to be joking he's fucking hopeless, well I am joking and he is fucking hopeless!  Mind you if it had been the Scotsman awards instead............

Some other categories he might have won:
LEADER OF THE PARTY WITH THE UGLIEST BASTARDS
LEADER OF THE PARTY WITH THE THICKEST FUCKERS
LEADER LEAST LIKELY TO SURVIVE

Who did win the awards?  Well it was a clean sweep for the SNP with JOHN SWINNEY getting the top award.
Not bad from a Unionist paper, eh!

SNP WIN BI-ELECTION WITH INCREASED MAJORITY AND 6% SWING FROM LABOUR

The SNP have scorched Labour in the first test after the Glasgow NE bi-election in a bi-election in BO'NESS AND BLACKBURN. 

 The results of the first preference votes were:



SNP (Ann Ritchie): 1,604 votes - 58% (+10%)
Labour: 823 votes - 30% (-2%)
Tory: 283 votes - 10% (-3%)(mince)
LibDem: 79 votes - 3% (3%) (pish vote)

A 6% swing from Labour to the SNP.


Just shows what happens when there is not a POSTAL BALLOT.  This must be sorted out before the GENERAL ELECTION.  No wonder Labour don't want to give the responsibility of SCOTTISH ELECTIONS TO THE SCOTTISH PARLIAMENT.

IT'S PUMPY VAN RUMPY! OH AND SOME UNKNOWN LABOUR BARONESS

Two turkey-necked unknowns embrace after being picked by EC Leaders to be the two most powerful  people in Europe.  Hermann van Rompuy from Belgium and Baroness Ashton from Britain, (in lieu of Blair not getting the President's job), have been picked to be the President and Foreign Minister of Europe.


The low-profile Belgian Prime Minister Van Rompuy - known to his laugh a minute Belgium colleagues as PUMPY VAN RUMPY, favours the introduction of EU-wide taxes, the introduction of Euro identity cards and the abolition of national flags and anthems.  Baroness Ashford was until a short time ago Labour Leader in the Lords.  REMEMBER WHEN LABOUR SAID THEY WERE GOING TO REFORM THE LORDS?  Now they're choosing un-elected NOBILITY TO RULE OVER US, DESPITE THEIR LACK OF EXPERIENCE! 

Once more the laughable, so called democratic EC is shown to be what it is, a cartel for powerful interests and Bankers.

I wonder how many years it will be until you can't access NHS care, pay by credit card, withdraw or deposit money in the Bank, use a debit card or credit card or go about your daily business without an ID card.  THEN THEY'LL WANT TO IMPLANT CHIPS which can be turned off, or on, at will and the control WILL BE COMPLETE.

COME BACK GEORGE ORWELL, BRITAIN NEEDS YOU!

A COMMENT FROM TORY CHAIRMAN'S BLOG

There follows a comment on Tory Chairman, Eric Pickle's blog on which most of the comments are criticising Cameron's backtracking on Europe.

Ok moaners, you have made your point, Go ahead and vote elsewhere and condemn the rest of the country to another disastrous five years of Mr Brown.  The Lisbon Treaty exists, ratified by every EU country including ours. Blame Brown not Cameron for this, including no referendum for our voters before we ratified it.  The issue of a future vote on withdrawing from the EU is another question needing probably a year of informed debate. I suspect most people would opt for the status quo rather than face an uncertain future of UK on its own. Comparisons with the Norway solution is wishful thinking. Norway has a population only the size of Birmingham and massive oil and gas reserves in the North Sea, plus hydo-electric power.

SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER COUNTRY I KNOW!

MOTHERWELL COUPLE EVICTED FOR PAINTING COUNCIL HOUSE IN BURBERRY TARTAN

A Motherwell couple Rab and Sadie Thomson and their two weans, Kylie and Kimberlie were yesterday evicted from their Council property in Motherwell after they painted it in "BURBERRY TARTAN".

"Me and Rab, jist love yon Tartan" a distressed Sadie told Dark Lochnagar yesterday, "maist of oor claes and the wean's pram is covered in it.  Ma Rab's bunnet is the same colour.  It's no fair, that it's just thae POSH BASTARDS doon in London that can have it, what aboot us scruff, we're FUCKING ASPIRATIONAL as weel.", she added.

"Am gaun tae write to that Alex Salmond.  This is supposed tae be the "year of the homecoming" and we paint oor hoose tartan to welcome thae Yanks an' that, an' thae Bastards evict us furr it!  Weel it's no fuckin fair.  Ah suppose weel havtae go and live wi his Maw noo, the crabbit faced auld craw.  She spoils thae weans by gaeing them tatties wi their mince.  Next thing the wee bastards will be wanting, milk oan their Rice Krispies".

Motherwell District Council Spokesman, Ed McKillop told us, "we're looking at moving the family to one of our properties in Wishaw, however this may cause problems moving a middle-class family into a working class area".

LORD FOULKES OF CUMNOCK NAMED "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"

Labour "lush" Lord Foulkes has been named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive", reclaiming a title he first won in 1973.  FOULKES, whom People described as "the king of cool with the killer cheekbones," succeeded 2008 winner The Elephant Man. Other stars who have received the honor twice include George Galloway and Labour Leader, Iain Gray.



"Whether it's in the House of Lords or in Holyrood, FOULKERS has that PATRICIAN LOOK, the high cheek bones, the parched face, the shitey red complexion due to the drink, the nose with the boils on it like MP Jim Devine and finally the 'glazed over expression eyes' which are a direct result of exposure to too much free whisky", People said in a statement.

FOULKERS will receive his award on Monday, if anyone can work out which parliament he is thieving his wages from that day.

NIGERIAN MARRIES OWN DAUGHTER SO THAT SHE CAN STAY IN UK AND HOME OFFICE KNOW

A Nigerian Home Office worker 'married' his own daughter to get her a British visa, Dark Lochnagar can reveal EXCLUSIVELY TONIGHT, (well apart from the Daily Mail).



The extraordinary scam was apparently executed by Jelili Adesanya while ministers turned a blind eye.  Mr Adesanya, 54, has lived here for more than 30 years and holds a British passport, but wanted his daughter, her husband and their four sons to join him from Nigeria.  He faked a wedding ceremony complete with a photograph of the happy 'couple' which helped fool immigration officials that his daughter, Karimotu Adenike, was really his wife.  Miss Adenike, who is in her mid-30s, was duly granted permission to live in the UK.


The pair are waiting for her to be granted a permanent right to remain before they undergo a quiet divorce and attempt to bring the rest of her family here.  It is expected she would try to remarry her real husband to get them all visas.


But despite being tipped off two years ago, the Home Office seems to have done nothing to stop the scam by one of their own workers.  Until recently, Mr Adesanya was employed as an occupational health nurse for the Home Office, working with immigration officials at Gatwick airport.

WHY DON'T WE JUST FLING THE LOT OF THEM INCLUDING THE FATHER OUT? 

WHO WOULD WE WANT AS HEAD OF STATE IN AN INDEPENDENT SCOTLAND?

WHO WOULD WE WANT AS HEAD OF STATE IF WE WERE INDEPENDENT?

I am going to put up a poll for this and would like some suggestions from you.  Would the position be hereditary like our present Royal Family? Would someone be invited by a panel of the GREAT and GOOD. Would we have an ELECTION?


WHO COULD THE CANDIDATES BE?

I propose for discussion the following:

H.M. THE QUEEN
PRINCESS ANNE
PRINCE CHARLES
THE FIRST MINISTER AT THE TIME
AN ELECTED PRESIDENT, INDEPENDENT OF THE PARTY POLITIC
SEAN CONNERY
BILLY CONNELLY
ANN GLOAG
LORD FOULKES (just kidding)
Who else in your opinion would make a WORTHWHILE HEAD of STATE?

STOP PRESS

NOMINATIONS SO FAR- NONE, EVERYONE, RAB C. NESBETT, BILLY CONNELLY, ELECTED HEAD OF STATE, QUEEN, LORRAINE KELLY.
(I'm beginning to think you Bastards are taking the pish)

ANYMORE BEFORE IT GOES UP?

BUTCHER GIVING HIS MEAT AWAY FREE!

Butcher 'giving meat away'

A Co Fermanagh butcher has devised a rather expensive strategy to convince customers to plump for his meat - he is giving it away free.


We had a Butcher in our village who liked to give his meat away free as well.  Unfortunately his wife found out and they're divorced now!

PETROL TO BE £1.10/LITRE, (£5/GALLON) BY CHRISTMAS AS BROWN PILES ON TAX MISERY

Petrol prices are set to soar past 110p a litre - £5 a gallon - in the run-up to Christmas.



It will be the highest since September 2008 and a rise of 26 per cent since the start of this year.  Motorists will suffer further misery in the New Year when the Government imposes a planned 2.5 per cent increase in VAT.  Experts blame the continuing rise in forecourt prices on speculators, who are stockpiling massive amounts of oil.


Once again as one of the LARGEST OIL PRODUCERS in the world, the U.K. and in particular SCOTLAND, are hit with the HIGHEST PRICES IN EUROPE.  I wonder how much less money will be spent in the shops this Christmas, sorry Holidays, FUCK IT, CHRISMAS, thereby endangering the FRAGILE RECOVERY!

HOW MUCH IS BRENT CRUDE ADDING TO THE ECONOMY NOW MESSRS, MURPHY AND BROWN? 

HATE PREACHER ABU HAMZA GETS SPECIAL TAPS AND MASTERBATING MACHINE IN JAIL

The jail cells used by extremist Muslim preacher Mr Abu Hamza have been specially-adapted to accommodate his hook - prompting angry claims that prison officials are 'bowing down' to him.  The cells used by the 51-year-old - who is serving a seven-year sentence for inciting murder and preaching hate - have been fitted with lever taps costing £650, despite claims he is perfectly capable of using the standard twist ones.

Handrails were also put in the lavatories used by Mr Hamza, who is allowed to wear a prosthetic arm and hook inside the high-security Belmarsh prison.  An ARSE WIPING AID has also been installed as MR HAMZA kept RIPPING HIS HOLE WITH HIS HOOK when he wiped his fucking big arse.

Amid controversy it has also been revealed that MR HAMZA has been given a MASTERBATING MACHINE, A RUBBER VIBRATING FANNY for when he wants to have a SHERMAN, (cockney rhyming slang for a WANK-Sherman Tank), dreaming of his 60 VIRGINS.

"I don't feel we're treating him any differently"! said the Governer  his voice shaking with emotion as he lent across his desk being shagged by MR HAMZA from the back, "I have sexual relations with many of the inmates, it's a Government scheme to stop them re-offending, although so far quite a few of them want to come back."

There has also been riots in the prison about the length of time the TV set is tuned to an ARABIC STATION, although MR HAMZA has his own 48inch PLASMA SET in his double cell.  "We're trying to teach the western prisoners why we make them pray to ALLAH 5 times a day.  Some of them are moaning they are CHURCH OF E. but it's more or less the same GOD and it makes MR HAMZA feel at home", a spokesman added.

MAN BUTCHERED, EATEN AND THE REMAINS SOLD TO A KEBAB STALL!

Russian police have arrested three homeless men suspected of killing and eating a 25-year-old and selling parts of his body to a kebab and pie kiosk. The alarm was raised when bits of a corpse were found near a bus stop on the outskirts of Perm, about 720 miles east of Moscow.

A statement on the Perm police website said the three alleged cannibals had previous criminal records.  The statement said they were detained on suspicion of stabbing a man to death and then chopping him up for food.

It went on: "After carrying out the crime, the corpse was divided up.  "Part was eaten and part was also sold to a kiosk selling kebabs and pies."

The three suspects are due to appear in court on Monday.

FUCKING HELL, it makes the term WHO ATE ALL THE PIES more poignant!

MAKE MINE A DEEP FRIED MARS BAR!

ID CARD DEVELOPMENT COSTING £230K PER DAY

Almost £230,000 is spent every day on 'Big Brother' identity cards and biometric passports, despite the project being widely considered doomed.



Taxpayers' cash is being lavished on 'development' costs, amounting to a record £42million spent in six months this year - or £229,508 every day.


LibDem spokesman Chris Huhne, who obtained the figures, said 'such enthusiastic spending is brazen'.


He added: Any taxpayer's money spent on ID cards is wasted - they will not fight terrorism, cut crime or halt illegal working.


So Alex, when one of your UNIONIST PALS stands up at FMQs on Thursday and asks how much you are spending on the independence referendum, you can tell him that a scheme that HAS NO CHANCE OF COMING TO FRUITION COST £85 MILLION IN 2008/09.

DARLING'S CLAMPDOWN IS SHITE!

Labour threats to tear up the contracts of bankers given excessive bonuses were dismissed as ‘window dressing’ last night, as it emerged they would affect almost no one.



Chancellor Alistair Darling said the Financial Services Authority would be given tough new powers to veto bankers’ contracts if they included bonuses that could lead to excessive risk-taking and endanger the stability of the banking system.


But the Treasury last night admitted that there would be no absolute cap on the scale of bonuses and the measures will do absolutely nothing to STOP THE £6 BILLION IN BANKERS' BONUSES coming in the next few weeks.


OH HERE, HAUD ON!  There must be some FUCKING MISTAKE!  BROWN said he had this MATTER IN HAND and we COULD TRUST HIM! 

That's UNBELIEVABLE!  The BASTARD!

SPEED CAMERA DOUBLES CASUALTIES!

A motorway speed camera responsible for earning the Government £500,000-a-year in fines has been blamed for increasing accidents since it was installed.

The camera, which monitors a busy stretch of the M11 in Essex, results in 9,000 tickets a year, but figures released by police show crashes have risen by a quarter at the site.


A Freedom of Information request made by campaigners who oppose what they see as revenue-based penalty tickets also showed casualties have almost doubled since 2001 when the camera was set up.



The first party who promise to end the SURVELLANCE STATE and give us back our hard fought liberties by ridding the country of the EC HEALTH and SAFETY SHITE, will sweep to power at the next election.

WHAT ABOUT IT MR CAMERON?



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1227998/Speed-camera-rakes-500-000-year-blamed-doubling-motorway-casualties.html#ixzz0WysztSOf

LONDON BLOCKS SCOTTISH MEDICAL SPECIALIST NEEDS

THE Scottish Government's bid to attract doctors from outside the EU in four key medical disciplines has been rejected by Gordon Brown's Westminster administration, Dark Lochnagar can reveal.


The UK government knocked back an SNP attempt to fast-track job applications of foreign ear, nose and throat (ENT) doctors, biochemists, eye specialists and oral-surgery consultants seeking positions in Scottish hospitals.


THIS IS ANOTHER ARGUEMENT FOR INDEPENDENCE!  Whilst London controls who can migrate here from their own country to help us out in ours, we ARE BEING HELD BACK and what is worse our HEALTH IS SUFFERING!  Not only that, but these people earn money and gain experience which will be handy in their native countries if they ever decide to return at some stage.
 
 

LET US DECIDE WHO WE NEED, BROWN!

BRUTAL CHILD MURDERER PAID £4,500 TO LEAVE BRITAIN AFTER SERVING 5 YEAR SENTENCE!

Agnes Wong, 29, a woman who was convicted and served 5 years in prison for the brutal murder of an 18 month old child by swinging it by it's ankles and smashing it's head against a wall thereby displacing it's brain and killing it, was released from jail 2 weeks ago.

Fair enough you might say, but under a LABOUR scheme called the FACILITATED RELEASE SCHEME, the BASTARD was paid £4,500 in vouchers to spend in her native MALAYSIA and given a flight home.  This scheme will pay up to £5,000 to anyone who after being released from prison doesn't fight deportation by using HUMAN RIGHTS LAWS or CLAIMING ASYLUM.

Now I know some Malaysian people and they tell me that with £4,500 you can live like a KING, QUEEN for years.

What about the HUMAN RIGHTS OF THE KID SHE KILLED?


SHE SHOULD BE PUT ON A SHIP AND MADE TO WORK HER PASSAGE TO MALAYSIA AND NEVER ALLOWED TO COME HERE AGAIN!

THIS BASTARD IS WORSE THAN GORBALS MICK!

JOHN "the midget" BERCOW AND HIS LABOUR SUPPORTING WIFE are proving to be bigger TROUGHERS than even their predecessor MAD MICK.

In the three months since he was elected as Speaker he has spent £45,000 on new televisions, furniture and decoration to his grace and favour apartment in Westminster.


The couple also spent £4,000 on a three day trip to Rome. I THOUGHT HE WAS ELECTED TO CLEAN UP THE SPEAKER'S POSITION. After his previous FLIPPING of two homes and his large expenses bill which he seems to have got away with, it seems to me HE IS WORSE THAN MICK! He also refuses to alter his pension pot which enables him to retire on half wage even if he goes tomorrow.

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT!