CARTOON OF THE WEEK(AN OCCASIONAL SERIES)

SIGNS OF THE WEEK

MY SIGNS OF THE WEEK

MICHAEL WINNER-CAN YOU DISAGREE?

MICHAEL WINNER IN TODAY'S "DAILY MAIL"

OK , the last one is a bit extreme and I know Michael Winner is a fucking old twat and he is slightly more right wing than Ghengis Khan, BUT CAN YOU DISAGREE WITH HIM?

MUSLIM SENSIBILITIES

Above is printed the comment by Charles Moore on "Question Time", that the BBC has paid £30,000 of our money to the MUSLIM COUNCIL of BRITAIN because their feelings were HURT.

The £30,000 was paid after they threatened to sue the BBC.

Well I don't have the money the BBC has but I agree with every word of Mr Moore's statement so you can sue me. Leave a comment and I'll send you my details. Oh, and by the way, why did you not threaten to sue Hazel Blears for her letter to the "Guardian"?

CHRIST'S FACE IN MARMITE JAR LID

CHRIST'S FACIAL IMAGE IN A MARMITE LID

I swear to Christ, I am not making this up:


A family's breakfast turned into a religious experience when they spotted what they believe is the face of Jesus in a jar of Marmite.
Claire Allen, 36, was the first to notice the image, on the underside of the lid, as she was putting the yeast spread on her son's toast.
And husband Gareth, 37, said he could not believe his eyes when she showed him.
Mr Allen, of Ystrad, Rhondda, south Wales, said: "Claire saw it first and called her dad to come and take a photo of it.
"When I first looked at it I wasn't sure, but when I moved it away from me it started coming out. I thought Christ, yeah, she's right - that's the image of Jesus.
"The kids are still eating it, but we kept the lid."
Mrs Allen said her 14-year-old son Jamie had also remarked on the likeness.
She told the South Wales Echo: "Straight away Jamie said 'that looks like God', and my other boys (Robbie, four, and Tomas, 11) even said they could see a face.
"People might think I'm nuts, but I like to think it's Jesus looking out for us.
"We've had a tough couple of months; my mum's been really ill and it's comforting to think that if he is there, he's watching over us."


FUCK ME!

I hope you appreciate the shite I have to trawl through to come up with this pish!

SEAT SNIFFING MP KEEPS JOB

TROY "SEAT SNIFFING" BUSWELL

From the Telegraph:

Furthermore, despite the best efforts of John Prescott, the British political class cannot even lay claim to the most entertaining scandal. In 2008, Matt Brown, the police minister in New South Wales, Australia, resigned after admitting he had danced in his underwear during a party in his parliamentary office. Troy Buswell, the opposition leader in Western Australia, was forced to resign after admitting that he sniffed the seat of a female colleague after a meeting in his office.

Now isn't this the type of MPS WE WANT IN THIS COUNTRY.

Good down to earth NUTTERS AND PERVERTS instead of THIEVING BASTARDS!

JANE GOODY-FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

WHY THE FUCK CAN'T JANE GOODY DIE LIKE ANYONE ELSE?

I thought I was finally rid of the cult of GOODYISM when the stupid lassie died.

Now seemingly she has been in touch with her MOTHER, SPIRITUALLY, from beyond the grave.

I don't know what the entire conversation was but I believe she wanted her mother to get in touch with MAX CLIFFORD to see about a book deal because her HUBBY has spent all the money she made and there is nothing left for "her boys".

FUCK ME!

MOUNTAIN CLIMBING ON SKYE

ME MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IN THE CUILLANS

As it's a quiet news day, I thought I might treat you to a photo of me MOUNTAIN CLIMBING on SKYE at the weekend.

I was wanting to climb without the safety rope because I believe that's for pussies but my friend insisted. I'm still scraping dirt out from under my fingernails.

Unfortunately the picture was taken from a far distance away so you won't be able to see that I am having a PISH in mid air. That was difficult enough but tucking the beast away and pulling up my zip was even more frightening!

In the next picture, I'm told I'm scratching my oxter. I shouldn't really have drunk that sixth can of SPECIAL BREW before the climb, particularly not with a half bottle of voddy, but I like to live dangerously and anyway I wasn't driving home.

I can't wait to climb Everest in July!

MOTHERHOOD AND BOTOX

THIS STUPID WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN

As we are in the Whit sun recess, I thought that I would give you a bit of parenting news.

The stupid bitch on the right, hereafter called the MOTHER, has just paid £1200 for a Botox injection for her 18 year old DAUGHTER, the one on the left.

Now when I first saw this photo, (and I apologise for the quality, I got it from the Daily Mail), I thought the OLD FUCKER on the left was Chinese. Now not that there is anything wrong with the Chinese, I have some good Chinese friends, but let's face it their faces are different from your average Caucasian Scot.

I then realised that the problem is that her face is SO FUCKING TIGHT WITH BOTOX INJECTIONS, she just looks Chinese.

Does the silly old TWAT never look in a MIRROR?

Does she seriously want her Daughter to look as FUCKING UGLY AS THAT in 20 years time?

IS IT JUST ME???????

AYR VERSUS AIRDRIE-YING AND YANG

RYAN STEVENSON, GOAL HERO!

Today in the only really important Football game in the country, the famous Ayr United beat scummy Airdrie to win promotion to the FIRST DIVISION.


A few years ago in some obscure gripe about the Ayr chairman, several Airdrie thugs, invaded the pitch at Somerset Park and tore down the goalposts thereby stopping the game.

Well BASTARDS, some of us have long memories and today was payback for that.

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND, so I hope you enjoy your years in the SEASIDE LEAGUE!

THE SUNDAY POST-AT THE CUTTING EDGE OF JOURNALISM

THE SCOTTISH CURRY AWARDS 2009

Taste of success for our curry kings
By Colin Grant
MONDAY WAS Scotland’s hottest night of the year — and it had nothing to do with the weather!
It could only be the glittering ceremony to celebrate the culmination of the Irn Bru Scottish Curry Awards 2009, including the award for The Sunday Post Restaurant of the Year.More than 500 guests were treated to a sumptuous Asian banquet seasoned to perfection with subtle (and some less subtle) spices mixed together with exotic dancers and a charity auction of rare sporting and movie memorabilia.

ISN'T IT GOOD TO KNOW THAT WHAT WITH ECONOMIC MELTDOWN, MPS RESIGNING LEFT RIGHT AND CENTRE AND THE MOST UNPOPULAR PRIME MINISTER AND GOVERNMENT IN HISTORY THE SUNDAY POST GOES WITH:

THE SCOTTISH CURRY AWARDS.

FUCK ME!

RASHID WINS 100 METRES FREESTYLE

RASHID MOHAMMED WINS 100 METRES FREESTYLE

SPORTS NEWS: The 100 metres freestyle at the ISLAMABAHAD SWIMMING COMPETITION was today won by a 12 year old swimmer, RASHID MOHAMMED.

His time of 1.23.10 was a new games record.

When asked if he had been practising long, he replied "No, I've just started swimming lessons, but there was a FUCKING THING WITH BIG TEETH CHASING ME".

THE THING later turned out to be a MR YASOUFF IBRAHAN who has been eating street urchins for many years.

The games continue tomorrow with the SUICIDE BOMBERS PLAY-OFF. Favourite in this section is Indira Patel who is 11 years old. Her appearance is in some doubt however, as she has been PRACTISING ALL WEEK.

MORE SPORTS NEWS SHORTLY..................................

MP'S LONDON HOTEL SORTED OUT.

THE WESTERN HOTEL, BERMONDSEY

It has been announced that in future all MPs will lose their right to have second homes in London and instead will be put up at the WESTERN HOTEL, BERMONDSEY.

Dinner will consist of a BOWL OF RICE AND A CHAPPATTI. MPs will therefore be able to get the authentic REFUGEE EXPERIENCE without having to jet off on expensive and unnecessary foreign junkets at the taxpayers' expense.

Office accommodation is provided but MPs are asked to bring their OWN CANDLES.

PARTNER'S ACCOMODATION is also provided at a daily rate of £256, but all partners will be expected to muck in making up beds and cooking the EVENING MEAL.

SUSAN BOYLE FINDS LONG LOST TWIN

SUSAN AND HER TWIN SISTER BERTHA

SHOWBIZ NEWS: Miss Susan Boyle tonight delighted audiences on you-tube by due-ting with her newly discovered twin sister BERTHA!

BERTHA is her older sister by 2 minutes and if possible has an even sweeter voice than our Susan.

SIMON COWELL, the well known IMPERSONIO and general ARSEHOLE claimed tonight,
"brilliant now I'll be able to rip off two nieve SCOTCH FUCKERS instead of one".

CHARLES AND HORSEFACE

"I THINK WE'VE LOST THE OLD FUCKERS".

CHARLES AND HORSEFACE HIDE FROM THE QUEEN AND PRINCE PHILLIP AT A GARDEN PARTY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE ON TUESDAY.

Best quotes about the Telegraph's MPs' expenses investigation

Peter Mandelson: "Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right."

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MINCEY!

EXCLUSIVE-JIMMY SAVILLE TO BE NEW SPEAKER

JIMMY SAVILLE, THE NEW SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, WITH SOME LABOUR MPS

In a shock announcement from Downing Street, this afternoon, Mr Jimmy Saville KPMG, has been revealed as the new SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

The 250-1 outsider has cost the Bookies millions as a late flood of informed bets from anonymous sources around Westminster brought him into even money favourite.

"JIM FUCKING FIXED IT FOR ME", smiled a jubilant LORD FOULKES as he left Ladbrokes grasping a large WAD in his pocket. The "WAD" later turned out to be an embarrassing testicular swelling which has been a problem for FOULKES for many years.

Jimmy Saville, who has been dubbed the WAKEFIELD WANKER by Tory MP, Sir SINGEON STEVENS, will start his duties shortly.

The famous shout from the SPEAKER OF "ORDER, ORDER", will henceforth be changed to "HOW'S ABOUT THAT THEN" and smoking will be re-introduced into the commons but only CIGARS will be allowed.

The LEADER OF THE HOUSE, HARRIET HARMAN MP has refused to smoke CIGARS as they give her a SORE THROAT, as indeed does JACQUI SMITH'S HUSBAND, WHEN SHE GIVES HIM A BLOW-JOB.

What is sure, is that the OLD HOUSE will be a more fun place in the future......

IT WAS LOCHNAGAR WHAT DONE IT!

MARTIN RESIGNS AFTER READING "DARK LOCHNAGAR" BLOG

Imagine my surprise when on checking on previous postings about SPEAKER MARTIN, I noticed a comment from Mr Martin stating that after reading my blog he knew the GAME WAS UP!

After my blog on the 12.5.09 he states, "I tried my best, but I have always been a THICK BASTARD, (AND THAT'S AS PIG SHITE! ED), I will resign this afternoon".

I was shocked and stunned because I have never met SPEAKER MARTIN unlike GUIDO FOX who once spilt his white wine in some pub in London.

Although this is a anti-Labour site, he obviously felt at home on a Scottish site even if it supports the SNP.

One question Mr Martin? If you're resigning why are you and McCavity laying down the law to the MPs who remain in the House?

MORE TOTALIARIAN RULES??

LADYBOY "RANSEN" LOOKALIKE TO BE MP

ESTHER "LADYBOY" RANTZEN TO STAND FOR PARLIAMENT

It is widely reported tonight that a ESTHER RANTZEN LADYBOY IMPERSONATOR is to stand for Parliament at the next General Election in the GLENROTHES CONSTITUENCY.

The current MP is Lindsay Roy, a balding KARIOKE SINGER.

Esther is livid that Mr Roy, who was elected on a "SAVE THE POST OFFICE" ticket, has not signed an early day motion along with 16 other LABOUR MPS, condemning the Government's privatisation plans.

"I don't know a lot about it", she coo-ed, "but MR MANDELSON SAYS HE'LL FILL ME IN and the LORD FOULKES, says he'll teach me a thing or two if I send him a pair of SOILED KNICKERS AND A WEE PHOTIE"!

SPEAKER'S GRANDCHILDREN ON GREEDY WEE BASTARDS COURSE

SPEAKER MARTIN'S GRANDKIDS PASS FIRST PART OF GREEDY BASTARDS COURSE!

The speaker's Grandchildren have passed their EAT-AS-MUCH-AS-YOU-CAN-FOR-A-FIVER exam in a Burger Bar in SPRINGBURN.

Their father, who will inherit his father's constituency, when his father retires with his £1.4 million pension given by the taxpayer in thanks for his many years of unstained service to the country, passed a similar test at the same age.

Then, of course, he was required to eat a record number of FISH SUPPERS for an eight year old, managing nine before he passed out. This was washed down with 10 bottles of Tizer.

The prize was a pair of ANTIQUE CANDLESTICKS, kindly donated by a sycophant taxpayer.


The kids were later taken to YORKHILL SICK CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL to get their SHITEY NAPPIES CHANGED.

THE SUN SAYS-NEW LABOUR FUCKED!

THE SUN BACKS THE TORIES FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1997

THAT'S YOU FUCKED McCAVITY!

ADAM INGRAM MP-IS HE CORRUPT?

ADAM INGRAM MP TAKES CORRUPTION TO A NEW LEVEL

Adam Ingram Mp for East Kilbride has got a few nice little earners. This so-called sociaLIST has a LIST OK,of paid EMPLOYMENT OUTSIDE PARLIAMENT totalling £170,000 per annum.

The most corrupt of these is a company called EDS. When INGRAM was MINISTER OF STATE FOR THE ARMED FORCES, his department awarded EDS A FOUR BILLION POUND CONRACT. Shortly after being sacked from his role by GORDON BROWN, he took up employment with EDS which pays him £55,000 per year.

THESE BASTARDS MUST THINK WE'RE FUCKING STUPID.

The former ORANGEMAN has decided he is not going to stand at the next election. NO FUCKING WONDER!

His SOCIALIST pal, IAN McCARTNEY ALSO HAS A NICE LITTLE EARNER! He gets £3,125 PER DAY from a company called FLUOR CONSTRUCTION.

The list is endless and doesn't even include the likes Of ERIC JOYCE, MP for FALKIRK, who has claimed over £1,000,000 in EXPENSES.



KEIR HARDIE WILL BE BIRLIN' IN HIS FUCKING GRAVE!

Jim Murphy-IN SEX CHANGE SHOCKER!

Jim Murphy MP, Secretary of State for Scotland before the sex change operation.

The news is emerging tonight from Dover House, his official residence, that JIM MURPHY MP, may be about to have a SEX CHANGE OPERATION.

His officials have known for some time that Jim, or Brenda as he will want to be called, has been unhappy in a MAN'S BODY.

THE MAN, WHOSE BODY HE WAS IN, told him to take a running FUCK to himself.

As he told our reporter, "there I was leaning over the freezer to get a chicken and before I knew what had happened he had entered me from behind". "I was really embarrassed because I am a regular customer at TESCOS".

Jim has been very quiet the last few weeks and some have put it down to him and his WEST OF SCOTLAND CRONY MPS, SHITTING THEMSELVES, about their expense claims hitting the media, (what fucking fun we will have).

However the Scottish Lobby Correspondents know that it is the much less embarrassing SEX CHANGE STORY that is the reason!

p.s. Jim, for FUCK'S SAKE get them to do something about your ears while your in.

MARGARET BECKETT-HORSE FACED BASTARD

MARGARET BEFORE HER "WEE OPERATION

THEY JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT!

Margaret Beckett said:
"Empty homes blight local neighbourhoods and can potentially attract anti-social behaviour. That is why councils must do all they can to bring empty homes in their area back into use.

INCLUDING THE THREE THAT SHE HAS PLUS HER FUCKING CARAVAN!

And BTW Beckett, you were SHITE on QUESTION TIME tonight.

HORSE-FACED, PUCKERED BASTARD!

TORY MP SEEN IN B&Q!

The right honourable DOUGLAS HOGG QC MP for Sleaford (maj 12,456), was last night seen in his local branch of B&Q!

HOGGY, as he now likes to be called, told our reporter,

"Yes, since this bally EXPENSES THINGY, we've had to do away with our cleaner person." "Damn shame as she's been in the family for nearly 60 years". "I've brought one of my footmen in here to buy some kit, don't you know".

""I'm told this is the place to buy some of those lightbulby thingies, and they even have brochures which tell you how to change them. "Also looking for some chemicals to clean the bally SWIMMING POOL, full of leafies from last year". "I might even get some HORSE MANURE bags".

"OH I SAY, there's a chappy over there in a painter's uniform". "Saw that when they touched up the FRESCOS in the DRAWING ROOM last autumn". "They surely don't expect me to queue up with the HOI-PALLOI". " There must be a checkout for QCs and professional people so that these tradesmen don't have to smell us"! "What"!

One of Hoggy's constituents said, " he's a thieving, speccy BASTARD, I'd hang the FUCKING ARSEHOLE FROM THE NEAREST LAMPOST". "I can't wait until we get a LABOUR GOVERNMENT IN TO GET RID OF THESE BASTARDS"!

SPEAKER MARTIN-TIME TO GO

When Michael Martin, the ill suited SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, first got the moniker GORBALS MICK, I was a little annoyed. Just a little because although I would rather CUT OFF MY FUCKING RIGHT ARM than vote for the Labour Party, he was Scottish and I saw it as a anti-Scottish issue AND ALSO A CLASS THING.

However after seeing yesterday his performance in the House on Monday, I now believe it is time we got rid of the FUCKING, FAT TWAT.

The man is FUCKING STUPID. He has been doing the job for years and his performance was worse than FUCKING ABYSMAL!

He is as THICK AS PIG SHITE! I have met people from Kilmarnock who had more brains and they are some of the thickest BASTARDS I have ever met!

He is of course waiting to get his payoff which will be worth around £100,000. This is coming from a thieving Bastard who has fleeced the taxpayer until the pips squeak.

FUCK OFF YOU SPRINGBURN SHITEBAG!

ANGELA RIPPON-ANNOYING TWAT

ANGELA RIPPON FUCKING ANNOYING , GOODY TWO SHOES, TWAT

Just to get away from the THIEVING BASTARDS IN WESTMINSTER, PLEASE answer me a question. Is there a more annoying TWAT on TV than ANGELA FUCKING RIPPON?

I like antiques programmes and every time one comes on it seems to be presented by this FUCKING JOLLY HOCKEY STICKS BASTARD.

She walks as if she has FARMER GILES or as if someone has a red hot POKER up her WRINKLY OLD ARSE!

She is beginning to think she is an antiques expert with her "c'mon we have lots more things to find". Well seen she went to a single sex school. Just not sure what the SEX WAS.

Well if I was doing CASH IN THE ATTIC, (I know I'm a sad bastard), and she was presenting it, I would tell her to shove her programme alongside the poker and Morecambe and Wise.

PAKISTANI ARMY ARE A JOKE

THE PAKISTANI ARMY TRY OUT THEIR NEW ANTI-TALIBAN WEAPON

Whilst our troops are being killed on a daily basis fighting the TALIBAN on the AFGHANISTAN/PAKISTAN BORDER, the PAKISTANI ARMY'S new SECRET WEAPON is to wear a KISS-ME-QUICK HAT with the message, GO TALIBAN GO.

Are they trying to be FUCKING FUNNY? Is this some sort of TWISTED MUSLIM SENSE OF HUMOUR?

Do they honestly believe that the TALIBAN who are recruited from the MUJAHADEEN who have fought and won wars against the BRITISH, the RUSSIANS and now the YANKS are going to give up because they wear a FUNNY HAT?

Message to Pakistani Army--YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOOT THE FUCKERS!

Anyway I think what with PakiSTAN, AfghaniSTAN, UzbeckiSTAN etc we should be looking for this STAN BASTARD and FUCK BINLADEN!

BARONESS THORNTON-THIEVING BITCH

LABOUR PEER, BARONESS THORNTON, SPECCY THIEVING FAT BITCH

Behold the LABOUR PEER, BARONESS THORNTON, who has claimed £230,000 for her Mother's home in FUCKING YORKSHIRE, despite living with her family not TEN MILES from WESTMINSTER!

WHAT A DESPICABLE THIEVING BASTARD!

I fervently hope that her next SHITE IS A HEDGEHOG.

PRIME MINISTER-THIEVING BASTARD

I WISH I WAS A FUCKING BANKER

Can anyone explain to me, WHY GORDON, (I'm going bonkers), BROWN, needs a SECOND HOME in LONDON?

Since 1997, the INSANE, SON OF THE MINCE, has been either living in NO 10/11 DOWNING STREET. Why then does he need a SECOND HOME in London.

Can you imagine the American President NOT LIVING IN THE WHITEHOUSE, but instead having a flat in downtown WASHINGTON?

Not only that. He also has a MAIN residence in what's that fucking smell(?), KIRKCALDY and a COUNTRY PAD AT CHEQUERS! That's three residences.

HOW MANY DOES THE FUCKING ONE-EYED TWAT NEED?

Who does he think he is, THE FUCKING ROYAL FAMILY?

GAY LORD IN HETEROSEXUAL SHOCKER

THE GAY LORD FOULKES WITH TWO SLAPPERS.

Further to our EXCLUSIVE last night about GEORGE, THE LORD FOULKES OF CUMNOCKER'S legs seen in a GAY SAUNA BAR in EDINBURGH, his Lordship has made the following statement.

After extensive discussions and soul searching with my immediate family, I can state for the record that the legs pictured were not mine. Mine are old, wrinkly, fat and have varicose veins. My TORSO was however in the GAY SAUNA BAR named, although my legs were not.

HOW THE FUCK, my torso got there without my legs, I have no idea, but it has been suggested to me that it might have been carried there by IAIN GRAY. I however left my BOLLOCKS with my legs in a bar in Rose Street.

I deny at any time performing the sex acts on Mr GRAY of CHOKING THE CHICKEN or as we say down here in the Land o' Burns, SPANKING THE MONKEY. I may however been at one time examining in a drunken stupor his FUCKING BIG PURPLE BELL-END.

I totally refute the allegation that I am gay and to this end I have released a picture , (as seen-Ed), of me with a couple of old slappers who I have been SHAGGING ON A REGULAR BASIS, for years.

My wife of 40 years is very understanding and for the sake of the children she has agreed to forgive me. She also wants to know if she can have a LESBIAN THREESOME with the OLD SLAPPERS, whilst I watch and "PU MY PUDDIN", which is another saying we have down here.

The four of us hope we can put this behind us and concentrate on family life and FIDDLING EXPENSES.

EXCLUSIVE-Scottish Labour Leader's legs in GAY SAUNA SHOCKER!

EXCLUSIVE- SCOTTISH LABOUR LEADER, IAIN GRAY'S LEGS SEEN IN GAY SAUNA IN EDINBURGH.

When doorstepped by our "man in the know" tonight after blushing Gray said, "they might be my legs, but I can categorically deny that the rest of my body was with them and certainly not MY GENITALS".

"GEORGE LORD FOULKES and I went for a bevvy in Rose Street at lunchtime and we were LEGLESS by 5 o'clock". "they must have gone to the GAY SAUNA on their own".

Our reporter explained to a now very agitated GRAY, that the lower half of their bodies were quite visible in the photograph. "OK", he shouted, " THE LORD FOULKES was about to CHOKE MY CHICKEN, but what we do in private is up to us"! "And by the way, my wife will be sticking by me".

LORD FOULKES OF CUMNOCK, (THE FAT FUCKER), was unavailable for comment.. He is thought to be in talks with his immediate family about issuing a statement.

We hope to carry that statement in later bulletins

BROWN SACKS BROTHER-MOTHER EMPLOYED AS NEW CLEANER!

GORDON'S OLD MUM CLEANS THE EXECUTIVE TOILET BLOCK AT NO 10

In a shock move today, THE GREAT LEADER, sacked his BROTHER after the controversy surrounding his employment as CLEANER IN NO 10.

In an equally shock move, his OLD MUM, INDHIRA, has been brought out of retirement and forced to clean up after Gordon and Sarah.

"I was enjoying my retirement", Indhira said, "but if my son needs me, I'll see what I can do".

"I must admit though, I didn't think I'd be clearing out the SHITEHOUSE on my first day" she laughed "and that SARAH could SHITE FOR SCOTLAND."

It is also reported that BROWN is paying her well below the minimum wage because she is a pensioner.

"But to be fair" she says, "he does let me fix all the broken mobiles and printers that he flings around and if I can fix them he lets me sell them to his Cabinet Colleagues. "I got good money off Jack Straw last week for a NOKIA 98 for his son's Christmas", she chortles!

DAVID CAMERON, THE CONSERVATIVE LEADER SAYS, " I'm fucking seething! " I wanted a NOKIA for my wife's Birthday, now I'll need to buy one and put it on my exes, fucking one-eyed BASTARD"!

More rumours later..........

BROWN PAYS HIS BROTHER FOR CLEANING!

GORDON'S SISTER IN LAW, DAPHNE, DOES SOME IRONING FOR THE GREAT LEADER

Revelations into MP's expenses in the Telegraph tomorrow, will show that BROWN paid his BROTHER over £7,000 for cleaning services last year.

This is more than some of his supporters earn in a lifetime!

Does this man have no scruples. He keeps his Brother and Sister in Law, chained up in the bowels of No 10, only letting them out after dark, WITHOUT CLOTHES, to clean up after his and his wife's sick and sordid lifestyle!

How low can this man get. Next thing he'll be using HAZEL BLEARS as a POT SCOURER.

Lochnagar is on his case and I can promise more sickening photos tomorrow.

SHOCK NEWS-MANDELSON IN SEX CHANGE HORROR

****PETER MANDELSON IN HORROR SEX CHANGE OPERATION-OFFICIAL****

Trade and Industry, LORD MANDELSON, known to his friends as "MINCEY MANDY" has undergone a horror sex change operation, according to a SENIOR LABOUR PARTY SOURCE.

Seen above as he parades her new body at BRIGHTON'S FAMOUS NUDE BEACH, Mincey or BIG BRENDA as she now likes to be called was quoted as saying, "it will be an honour to be only the second woman Prime Minister of the UK, just as soon as me and Harriet get rid of Gordon and his Scottish cronies", "I will be following Margaret's policies to the tee and in addition, my TITS are bigger".

LADY MANDELSON was later seen to be carried away by TWO MEN IN WHITE COATS.

MANDELSON SAYS "BE CHEERY BASTARDS"

"A recession, is a psychological event " Peter Mandelson- 6th May, 2009.


"Thank fuck for that, I was worried there for a minute" says Gordon Brown.

SMITH AND HARMAN-MUD SLINGING

HARRIET AND JACQUI "GO AT IT", TO SEE WHO WILL SUCCEED GORDON BROWN

At a secret location last night, the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and the Deputy Leader of the Liebour Party, HARRIET MARMAN, had a frantic MUD WRESTLE to see who is going to succeed our worst PM since the 12 year old PITT THE JUNIOR.

As we await the outcome, due to overdue mud-caking, DVDs of the contest as filmed by Jacqui's shamed husband, PORNO PETE, are available at all good SEX SHOPS and on the DEREK DRAPER WEBSITE, priced at £19.99. The nude version which includes a box of tissues can be purchased for the knocker down price of £3.99.

Next week's contest will be 10 times 3 minute rounds between, HAZEL "THE WEE YAPPY BASTARD" BLEARS AND JOHN "THE BRUISER" PRESCOTT.

SPEEDOS will be worn by both contestants.

PRESCOTT GETS SWINE FLU

BREAKING NEWS- JOHN PRESCOTT HAS SWINE FLU!

After his face turning into a snout, John hopes that next week he'll get a pair of long pointy ears.

In a few weeks time he hopes to be able to grow a cute little piggy tail out of HIS FUCKING BIG FAT ARSE!

URGENT HEALTH DEPARTMENT NEWS

****AN URGENT COMMUNIQUE FROM THE RT HON GORDON BROWN MP***

LADY FOULKES-NO SWINE FEVER HERE

AT A SWINGERS' PARTY IN CUMNOCK LAST NIGHT, LADY FOULKES DECLARES THAT SWINE FLU IS OVER.

MORE THIEVING LABOUR BASTARDS

IS IT BECAUSE I'M A BLACK MUSLIM-NO, ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE A THIEVING BASTARD!

LABOUR PEER, BARONESS UDDIN has claimed over £100,000 for a flat in Maidstone as her primary home despite never having lived there and it being unfurnished. The thieving BASTARD lives in a home with her family FOUR MILES FROM WESTMINSTER.

LABOUR MP, JIM DEVINE has claimed £90,000 in car expenses, despite being driven around by his agent at her own expense and he has only ever re-imbursed her for £60. THIEVING BASTARD!

AN AS YET UN-NAMED LABOUR MP has claimed thousands from the taxpayer putting a SAUNA in his second home. He says he needs it for a skin condition. AYE HIS FUCKING BARE-ARSE CHEEK!

THREE LABOUR MPS are on SUICIDE WATCH after their expense claims show them to have been having extramarital AFFAIRS.

Was there ever such a sleaze ridden Government before? They make JOHN MAJOR'S lot look like a SUNDAY SCHOOL PICNIC!

SWINE FLU- A LOAD OF PISH!

SWINE FLU IS CRAP - OFFICIAL

You heard it hear first, SWINE FLU is a load of shite.

I believe it has been made up by the World's Governments to keep our thoughts away from this so-called GLOBAL economic downturn,

The deaths in MEXICO are being re-classified and like all flu strains it is mutating and becoming less virulent.

So, basically who cares really if 100 or so Mexicans out of a population of 100 million dies from Flu, thousands die in the UK from Flu every year.

It will be like that Bird Flu, remember that? They made a Film about it called;

ONE FLU OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST!

Margeret Thatcher-Bad for Scotland?

GORDY INVITES MAGGIE TO NO 10 FOR NEW INSTRUCTIONS

MAGGIE THATCHER. Do you love her or hate her? I know in Scotland she is mostly a figure of hate. But why?

When she came in the country was in some fucking state. Believe me I was living at the time, not getting the story from my parents. The Unions ruled the country, we had been to the IMF to bail us out, (could happen again!), the dead went unburied, the rubbish piled up in the streets, we had had a 3 day week to save energy, I remember being at a Airdrie-Ayr game on a Wednesday afternoon because floodlights couldn't be used and the Argies thought they could Nick a British territory because we were too weak to stop it happening.

But Maggie sorted all this and lots more.

OK, in Scotland, the miners got fucked thanks to their stupid Union bosses picking a fight when the stockpiles of coal were enormous and Ravenscraig which was uneconomic got shut down. Both of these cost us the taxpayers a fortune in subsidies.

Contrary to today's cries, the Poll Tax was not foisted on Scotland as an experiment. The Council rates in Scotland were much higher than in England and the country was crying out for some financial relief. I had a friend in England whose house was three times the size of mine and he was paying only half what I was in rates.

Love her or not she is the only ISM and we are all THATCHER'S CHILDREN, including the Liebour party.

I KNOW WHO HISTORY WILL SAY DID MORE FOR THE BRITISH/SCOTTISH ECONOMY AND IT WON'T BE BLIAR/BROON!